Dp doesnt want to have sex anymore

[geordiemacminxpie]

Please forgive me if this gets a bit long and rambling - its all a bit mixed up in my head....

Since having ds 7 months ago dp hasnt been uniterested in sex at all, infact if I'm honest it started before then, but I just thought it was the whole pregnancy thing.

At first I thought it was because he "couldnt", and posted on here about getting some Viagra, but after further discussion it seems that he has no sex drive at all. I asked him if he wanted to try and fix the problems - expecting him to say yes, but he actually said he wasnt that bothered, and that at 43 he has had more than his "share" of sex and that he wouldnt really be bothered if he didnt have sex again. This absolutely crucified me, as you can imagine, especially as I am not yet 30.. . He now waits until I have been in bed a few hours before he comes up to ensure I'm asleep. I try and suggest early nights - even if its just for cuddles but it is met with the same enthusiasm as...well...I dont know.

We started to talk about things a bit more over the weekend, and agreed to start and take things slowly - kissing, cuddling, massages etc, but then I went and ruined it all last night by wanting too much.

I desparatly want to turn him on, to show him that it can be good, and remind him what it used to be like but he just puts up a barrier, We had cuddles and kisses last night (not allowed tongues though - sorry tmi).

Its making me feel so very very sad - Its hard eniough getting your confidence back after having a baby - stretch marks, c/s etc but at the moment I just feel like I'm here to look after the house and our son. I worry s much thats its me, even though he assures me that its not. I wish there was something I could do. It makes me feel so awkward even just lying in bed on a morning together, I want him so much but I feel like some sex-crazed maniac.

I know you are all going to suggest going to see the doctor, but he wont,its taken 8 months for us even to discuss it, there's no chance of him going.

He really is the person that I want to spend the rest o my life with, but can I honestly live the next 35 years without sex? At 25 that frightens the life out of me...

Thank you so much to anyone who has managed to get to the end of this and manages to reply, I just havent got anyone else to talk to.

Look this is entirely normal after you have a baby. It's ficking scary for blokes and they get all confused thinking sex is a bad thing and they do get over it eventually. DH was the same, mind you we only managed to have sex twice in 13 months and both times I got pregnant so it's fairly understandable if he's a tad reticent

Don't feel that you are 'ruining things' by being enthusiastic, you aren't. It's completely natural (If I were you I'd buy a vibrator and indulge in some solo flying till things get better). But keep up the physical contact and realise that this will change.

You have both taken the first important step and that is talking about it which can be really hard to do.

I have a very low sex drive and dp has a huge sex drive so we have clashed at times, you need to be jonest and keep talking things through.

If you confide your feelings and thoughts in each other you eill become closer and maybe even close enough to start having a sex life again, in the mean time take it slow and keep up the kisses and cuddles and possible buy a vibrator to satisfy your physical needs.

But he said he wouldnt be bothered if we never had sex again ....If he "couldnt" but still wanted to then I would feel a whole load better, but how d you go about things when he's said he actaully isnt bothered one way or the other. It also scares me that even if we do end up getting things sorted that every time we end up having sex it will always be at the back of my mind that he isnt enjoying it, and that its all just an "act" for my benefit.

God this is such a mess

I think you need to find out what is behind it all. Until then you can't really tackle what the problem is.

He may feel differently about you because you have had a baby, or maybe he feels under a lot of pressure at work, and maybe at home too. There are many things that can affect the sex drive.

Whatever the reason is, talk about it and you can work it out.

What your dh is saying, and what is really going on may be two different things. How many times have you blurted out something that you know isn't really true, just to get out of a embarrassing moment/conversation?

Ours is the other way round - I could take it or leave it, and poor DH is constantly wanting it. For what its worth, there is a huge mental pressure if you don't really "want" sex, and you know your partner does. I find even the thought of a snuggle sometimes gets me stressed taht DH will want more.
When I get there, I really enjoy it, and i wonder if your DP might be the same? I try and get myself into a mind set of, "well tongith would be a good night", without telling DH, coz he doesn't like it being scripted or planned.

Our DD is only 4 months old and still in our room so there is the wierdness of hearing this little voice singing while you try and get intimate. Also DS has recently started waking early, so we are often "disturbed". This all makes sex much more stressful, and is not much of a turn on, esp if you are struggling to get in the mood.

I know that this is about me, and not about whether I fancy my DH. Please don't lose faith in yourself and how attractive you are.

Thnaks,

I just wish I could fix it, and that he would talk to me more. I'm so frightened about "saying the wrong thing" or touching him incase its wrong and it makes things even worse.

hi

i'm in exactly the same situation as you. My husband also told me that he couldn't care less if he never had sex again. He's just not that bothered about it. Has a very low sex drive. He says he loves me and fancies me and is very affectionate and cuddly and holding hands etc but NEVER initiates sex and my advances get constantly knocked back. This has been going on for years and is now a big problem (but more for him than me).

I have tried speaking to him, not speaking to him, sexy underwear, romantic weekends away, waiting for him to make the move, me taking control, crying, begging, threatening, joking - NOTHING works!

Things have got slightly better of late, I've been doing loads of exercise and lost a bit of weight which has made me feel a lot better about myself. My husband is now 'giving in' to my advances very occasionally but with a total lack of enthusiasm or foreplay, I know that he is just trying to make an effort for me and it's like it's just another job for him to tick off along with 'feed the cat, take the rubbish out'. After sex he always says it was good and he loves me but i'm still left feeling very unsatisfied (I never have an orgasm - he's not bothered) and I know it's because I feel like his heart isn't in it.

I'm 30 and have a high sex drive, the thought of a celibate life is heartbreaking. I should also add that I fancy my husband like mad and it's soooo frustrating!

No advice for you but just wanted to say that I totally understand what you're saying and also think that it's more than just babies and small children (we've got 2 kids).

hugs
x

meant to say in first paragraph problem is more for me than him - think he's quite happy with his lot when i'm not mithering him for sex!

Thats exactly how it is and how I feel.

anyone else offer any advice? Please?

Could you persuade him to go to a therapist with you or have a look at the online relate website as you can even have phone consulatations with therapists? Have you told him that how this problem is affecting your self-esteem? He is being very selfish in saying that HE could easily go for the rest of his life and not have sex - is he not in a partnership with you, what about your feelings? He has buried his sex-drive for some reason, it doesn't mean it can't be ressurected again, and much less does it mean that it's something about you/how youo look - it's about him. Is he stressed at work or anything?

The only advice I can offer is back-off and try not to over-analyse....also being pro-active isn't going to help I fear.

My guess is that everything will return when you least expect it and all the pressure is removed on both sides.

gmm. {hug}

i would be surprised if it had anything to do with you tbh. you are a sexy, strong and vibrant woman and yep - i understand what you mean about post pg body and confidence etc etc. you cant take this on board as being anything about you.
maybe dp is saying that he coudl take it / leave it for teh rest of his life as a defencse mechanism? maybe he is a bit more freaked about the change in his life than he is willing to accept?
i do think it is a bit unfair of him to say that this si kinda it for the time being and beyond. there are 2 of you and 2 people with needs and if this a door being shut on future affection and sex - then it of course affects you and your needs.
have you told him how sad / bad this makes you feel and that despite wanting to share the rest of your life with him, you want sex to be part of that?

I don't think backing offas robin3 suggests will do any good tbh. I agree that you need to take it slowly with him and be subtle but it really does need addressing as these type of problems can fester on for years (believe me!)

Feeling like you're dead from the waist down in your 20's is no fun and it doesn't need to be like that.

excercise is good to get the blood pumping around cobwebbed parts iykwim.

it can really help to boost a sex drive.

Hey GMM.. sorry you are going through this babe I was with my ex for 7 years and during the last few this was a big issue for us. In his case it was all linked to depression and although things were improving slightly before the end, we never really resolved it. (there were many many more issues in our rel. that lead to the breakup btw, this was not the biggest issue we had so please don't take that the wrong way)

I don't have much constructive advice I'm afraid but I want you to know you are not alone. I was only in my early twenties too when this was going on and the 'can I go the rest of my life without sex' was a big ? in my mind. It does make you feel unattractive, unwanted, rejected, and all of that was without me having just had a baby! I agree with WO that it is not fair of him to only be thinking of his needs. Obviously you can't force him and wouldn't want to but he shouldn't really be talking/ thinking in terms of want HE'D be happy with for the rest of his life.

I think you need to just keep talking about it. Try and back off completely for now, as hard as that is, and take the pressure off him in terms of trying to actually get him to have sex but do keep lines of communication open. xx

I think I really need to back off for a bit cos I think the pressure from me isnt gelping things - I dont mean to put it just seems to be taking over everything at th moment - my sex drive isnt usually that high but its just one of those things isnt it - if you cant have something you want it even more..... good job B&Q had 18 AA batteries on offer at the weekend for £4.99

Thanks for all your kind words, it really helps as I dont really have anyone in RL to talk to.

gmm - it isnt alwas the kind of thing you talk to your mum about but-- there are some of us here in RL too.

we'll have an earbending on thursday and if i hear the hum of batteries - i'll want to know why!!!!!