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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Breaking up with my sister

18 replies

mylittleyumyum · 10/09/2021 10:04

My half sister came back into my life around March of this year. We never had a relationship before this, I'd met her once or twice and spoke briefly at our Dad's funeral. I was kind of blindsided by the contact out of the blue and we arranged to meet.

She was very emotional and tearful and attached from the word go. I was more curious, and willing to let things build.

She has had quite a lot of recent trauma, and I feel that's what led her to seek me out. She told me she was never going to "let me go" again.

I'm introverted by nature. I have my little family around me, and I'm the type that sees friends very irregularly. She wanted to call and meet every few days.

She's nice, pleasant, very open, heart on her sleeve, but she is exceptionally needy and only wants to talk about herself.

She doesn't sense my discomfort when she's screaming in public to strangers "THIS IS MY BABY SISTER" and manhandling me constantly.

Basically she is far too full on and hasn't taken my personality into account at all.

She went off the radar for a few weeks as she was working away, and in that time I realised that I was hoping she would never contact me again, as bad as that sounds.

But she has. She has booked a table at a fancy restaurant and told me to get dolled up and put on my highest heels. I have no heels. I don't do dolled up. She will screech across the restaurant.

My friends have told me to meet her and have a few drinks and a proper chat, see how it goes. I feel like I'm stringing her along.

I really feel terrible for not warming to her the way she has taken to me. She video calls me and sobs over me. I think she's using me as some sort of crutch.

I never expected this kind of intensity and I'm really, really questioning whether I want her in my life.

Glad to get that off my chest.

OP posts:
Marni83 · 10/09/2021 10:05

* She doesn't sense my discomfort when she's screaming in public to strangers "THIS IS MY BABY SISTER" and manhandling me constantly*

Huh? Why would she need to scream this?

Marni83 · 10/09/2021 10:05

How old are you both?

mylittleyumyum · 10/09/2021 10:24

I am 40's, she is 60. She told me "I need to scream this from the rooftops!" then proceeded to tell the world I am her sister. I wanted the ground to swallow me up.

OP posts:
Marni83 · 10/09/2021 10:25

Good grief she sounds unhinged

What other family do you and she have

Shamsa03 · 10/09/2021 10:29

@mylittleyumyum

I am 40's, she is 60. She told me "I need to scream this from the rooftops!" then proceeded to tell the world I am her sister. I wanted the ground to swallow me up.
Why? Hmm

Does she know where you live? If not, cut her off just because she's your sister doesn't mean you have too like her.

Newestname002 · 10/09/2021 10:42

I think you have to tell her how you feel, @mylittleyumyum as she doesn't seem to be reading any body language you may be sending out.

You've explained how you feel very clearly in your OP. Can you tell her the same in person or would you feel better putting your feelings in a letter/email?

You do not sound like an unkind person, just an overwhelmed one, so I'm sure you will be kind when you tell her, clearly, just how her clinginess and over-exuberance makes you feel. Let her know, if you truly do want a relationship but on a much calmer scale.

Good luck - I hope you manage to sort something out with her. 🌹

mylittleyumyum · 10/09/2021 10:42

She is very extroverted. She has several other sisters and a teenager. Her 'closest' sisters have moved away, one quite recently. Her mum died last year, and she is very recently divorced.

I live with my husband and two kids. They have met her. Husband thinks she's nice (she is, just a bit much) my kids are bemused.

OP posts:
mylittleyumyum · 10/09/2021 10:46

@Newestname002

I think you have to tell her how you feel, *@mylittleyumyum* as she doesn't seem to be reading any body language you may be sending out.

You've explained how you feel very clearly in your OP. Can you tell her the same in person or would you feel better putting your feelings in a letter/email?

You do not sound like an unkind person, just an overwhelmed one, so I'm sure you will be kind when you tell her, clearly, just how her clinginess and over-exuberance makes you feel. Let her know, if you truly do want a relationship but on a much calmer scale.

Good luck - I hope you manage to sort something out with her. 🌹

Thank you, yes - she doesn't read my body language at all.

I really need to think hard about whether I want any kind of relationship at all, she is always at the back of my mind and I'm exhausted at the thought of ever spending any time with her.

I'm terrified about meeting her child, and she has mentioned introducing me to her social circle, and of me rekindling some sort of relationship with the other sisters.

If I carry on seeing her, I feel these things will be inevitable.

OP posts:
Ijsbear · 12/09/2021 09:59

would you be able to arrange a meeting and tell her that you are more comfortable with meeting sometimes, but not quite as often as now? That this level of contact isn't someone you have ever had with anyone before and it's overwhelming? that meeting every month or so and a couple of texts a week is fine, and that you'd appreciate less physical contact?

Doesn't solve the weird problem of her shouting out that you're her little sister all over everywhere mind you :s but maybe meet her in private.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if her sisters find her too full on too, and she's poured all this clinginess onto you. They might be very different kettles of fish.

It might be worth having this conversation with her and trying to set boundaries. If not ... it's awful to have the thought of her behaviour making you flinch and draining you, and the only solution would be to step back.

mylittleyumyum · 17/09/2021 13:44

Thanks everyone for the replies. I was losing sleep over our imminent meeting and messaged her to cancel citing my anxiety. She pressed me to meet during the week and I just said I wasn't able to commit socially just now and I'd be in touch... bit of a cop out.

I've decided I'd rather not keep in touch with her at all... I had no contact with my dad until I was an adult and curiosity led me to him. We had an okay relationship during his latter years, but when he died I was happy to leave it at that and get on with my own life without any involvement with that side of the family. There was 10 years between his death and her contacting me out of the blue.

Again it was curiosity that led me to agreeing to meet her. But now she just reminds me of the 'relationship' our parents had, and as much as I'd forgiven our dad, I find it difficult to be in the company of someone who still worships him so much.

I don't know why I'm pouring it out here... I guess I'm looking to be absolved of guilt, and told "she'll get over it, tell her straight, make the break."

I wish I had never agreed to meet her in the first place.

OP posts:
DFOD · 17/09/2021 14:04

She sounds horrendous and I feel suffocated and railroaded just reading this.

But you have done lots of good things here - so be proud of yourself.

You met with her once - you never committed to a complex, lifelong, intense relationship - that’s her assumption and her mistake.

You have now read the situation well and you have attended to you feelings - taking time to work through those where conflicts and guilt feelings which were derailing you from your true gut feeling.

You have come to a conclusion that is healthy authentic and honest and you just need to implement it swiftly, calmly and confidently - close the door politely and kindly on this uninvited guest and resume your peaceful life.

Do appease her by getting involved further with her social life and child. Deal with it now.

Well done on getting so far. If she is not someone who reads body language then I would send a brief text or card or have a brief call - where you have one message rinse and repeat. Blunt and clear.

“It was interesting to meet you but my life is already full and busy and I don’t want to take this relationship any further”

Don’t have to get personal. Don’t have to answer any Qs - just repeat the above.

cloudacious · 17/09/2021 14:05

I don't think you owe her a relationship.

DFOD · 17/09/2021 14:06

Don’t appease her!!!

mylittleyumyum · 17/09/2021 14:12

Thank you. I needed this. I will brace myself and make the break.

I know I will feel much better for it.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 17/09/2021 14:40

Tell her.

Please stop talking about you; I need to tell you something about me.

I am a very quiet person and you are very intense. That makes me feel uncomfortable.

It would be best if we try to meet half way.

For instance, , I'm not interested in that kind of restaurant/dinner. so I'm not coming.

we could meet for coffee in the park.

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 17/09/2021 15:08

I was in a very similar situation as you OP. Connected with a distant relative who was extroverted, over the top with affection and wanted a very close and open relationship, one that was far too suffocating for me. Trying to force me onto other relatives, phoning me up for unwanted chit chat etc. I'm an introvert too and just couldn't give her what she wanted. We're no longer in contact, though we did have some good times and I wish her well. If you are feeling that uncomfortable then cut ties, get it done and breathe a huge sigh of relief - you don't owe her a relationship.

Fatcatsrock · 17/09/2021 15:51

Hi there, something similar happened to me... I found out that I had an older half sister I never knew about,. We got in touch and initially I thought it was a lovely to have a sister... but I am an introvert and she is an extrovert. She is very open and full on and I am a private person with some close family and some wonderful friends...

She wanted to know everything about me and some of her questions bought back forgotten traumas into my life...

I ended up going to therapy which has been life changing and I have made lots of new decisions prioritising what's good for me over what's good for other people. Previously I always prioritised other people's feelings...

One of my decisions was to cut contact with my half sister for the sake of my mental health. This has been a decision I haven't regretted at all...

Do what's right for you and listen to your feelings. Sending you a big hug x

Ijsbear · 17/09/2021 17:00

what DFOD said (apposite name too!)

Perhaps if this lady had been able to tread more softly and take things more slowly, been more sensitive to you in such a tricky situation, it might have been different.

But your feelings and wishes are clear (and very very understandable!). Best if you step away.

Good luck, what a difficult situation it is.

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