Depression

[Pieinsky]

Has anybody been through partner with depression?
Backstory I was in a long relationship which was very toxic. I met new partner 3 years ago very quickly after ex. it has been wonderful. He has been caring sweet kind funny and attentive. I know his past relationships have also been dysfunctional and we both couldn't believe how well we got on and how honest and open with each other. We spoke of a future.
With covid he lost his job. Hasn't worked and I know this has affected him hugely. Both financially and mentally. In the last few months he has become really argumentative, no intimacy and unhappy. He has opened up to me that he had suffered with depression in the past. He recognises that he is suffering now. Not looking for work, picking fights etc.I have been very understanding and compassionate. I've been there when he needs me. It has been tiring for me but I love him and he has never had support in the past from exes.
Today there was an argument and nothing I said helped. I snapped and told him he was being selfish.It is so hard to see the person you care about turn, numb and talking to you like a stranger. It's all about him and he doesn't want to know how I feel. He said some really hurtful things. Completely out of character.
I am going to give him space because I know I can't help him. He won't seek medical help and is doing the Poor Me.
It never occurred to me that depression would break us.
I don't know where to go from here. I feel like crying but I won't let myself. There's no point. I can't fix him. The more I hang around the more I look like a doormat that is accepting the behavior. It's like a disease that's taken over his personality. I don't like the person who he has become and I wish I could do something but I can't. He doesn't seem to care about anything right now least of all me. It's hard to swallow that when only weeks ago his face would light up when he saw me. I am giving him space, as he suggested, although I don't think I'm the problem being around is killing us.
Any helpful tips or experience would help right now.

Sorry to hear of the difficulties you and your partner are going through.

When you say 'It's like a disease that's taken over his personality' I would say yes, depression is an illness and it can have a profound effect on a person, their outlook, behaviour etc.

I would suggest you try the advice phone/email helpline at Mind the mental health charity. They have resources on how to cope with a partner's depression.

www.mind.org.uk

Unfortunately it can be difficult to persuade someone to seek help but that's clearly what your partner needs. Depression tells lies, it says you will never recover and there's no point in anything. Does your partner have any specific reason for avoiding seeking help?

I wish you strength and luck.

Thanks so much for response.
He is a very proud person.Won't seek help as too stubborn or proud. Said today 'maybe i don't want help.' Was so hard to hear that. His personality and that trait of understanding and compassion has been replaced with, I don't care.
It's heartbreaking and we always sorted things together as a team but doesn't care what i say now. God i want to cry but won't let myself cos if i do i will feel it's the end.

If he wont seek medical help then it's time for you to boost op. I'm sorry but there is no excuse for a partner to treat you like shit and not seek to change when they are aware of what they are doing. Nastiness and abuse is nastiness and abuse and there is no excuse for it.

You've been down this road before. Its worthwhile to note that many abusers claim depression as an excuse for their behaviour. But whether or not this is the case, you should know that you have every right to put yourself first. And infact, should practice this even more vigilant, knowing that you have a history of tolerating shit you should not have.

He is in a partnership. He doesn't get to say 'no' to help because his depression is also hurting his partner. At least, he doesn't get to say no and for you to accept that and stay. Women are not rehab for damaged men.

This time, choose you. Give yourself permission to walk away.

That is exactly what I needed to hear. A virtual slap.!