How on earth do you cope with the Disney Dad routine??

[Hopeful22]

My god , he is pathetic, if only he treated his kids like that before we decided to separate !!! Its disgraceful the shit he is doing now I want to scream at him for being a fake pysco loser!!! Ugh my god its killing me watching this....because the poor kids, he wont be able to sustain this and is just doing it to annoy me , he suggests that we all sit around the table to play a board game ?! Eh after all the harassment and shit he has put me through this week alone and he expects me to sit at a table with him and suffer through his passive aggressive diatribe- yes I know I should do it for the kids but I cannot - I hate him so much ....anyone any tips on how to block this Disney Dad rubbish out ?? 😭😭😭

Oh god I feel your pain, my ex would only see our kids if he could come to my house to see them, I allowed it to continue for way too long as I wanted the kids to have a dad but as soon as I said he couldn’t come round anymore he stopped seeing them, he use to expect us to sit their watching films together and eating dinner together 😑 he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to be around him. You absolutely don’t have to do it for the kids! I disagree with anyone who thinks you should have to for the kids especially in cases where there has been abuse, tell him no!

No, it's another form of control, my ex used to be the same, blathering on about 'putting on a united front' (no idea who for, certainly not the kids) and getting really shitty and abusive when I didn't want him organising outings etc for all of us. He couldn't even be bothered to take them to the park when we were together, but wanted to be dad of the year once I'd chucked him out! Too little, too late! Stick to your guns and do what's best for you and your family.

I would paste a faintly amused smile on my face and make it clear I thought it was funny that he was doing all this now.

Requests/suggestions to do stuff together would have me laughing and saying, Goodness, no! We've split up. You do what you like with the children on your contact time, but don't include me. I have plans.

Just refuse to rise to the bait and ignore, ignore, ignore.

All whilst looking amused.

No need to spend any time with him. It won't benefit the dc when they grow up and realise what you put yourself through by seeing him..

Reduce contact with him to the absolute minimum. Only discuss things related to the children.

Ignore the Disney dad bullshit. It’s unsustainable so it’ll drop off eventually. At least your kids might have some fun whilst it lasts.

Why should you “do it for the kids” that’s not the law and there are limits. You’re not a couple anymore. Doing it for the kids is being polite, being polite at their weddings, not bad mouthing each other. That’s it. If you end up good friends then you can do days out together but it’s not obligatory. The benefit of being single is you now get to say no to him all day, every day. Say no with a smile on your face. Go on. Do it. Screw him. Your life, your rules. Enjoy!

It’s very annoying! Mine takes them to an American candy store every week and they can choose whatever they want. He puts sweets in the school snack box. When we were together he was pretty strict about sweets and sugar. He often buys them big toys now, too. I’m just same ol’ boring Mum!

Jesus I so needed to hear your replies .. thank you . This is what I do , like @MadMadMadamMim said I have this bemused look on my face as if to day - really?? Really ? Where was all this wonderful behaviour when we were actually a family and I was desperate to see it so I could convince myself you were actually human? Nope, nowhere to be seen.
It's almost manic really, the singing and whistling around the house, the over enthusiastic attitude.

It drives me insane but I won't let on , I kind of just laugh to myself - but really I should be grey rocking him. He's doing it to get a rise out of me and is is still obviously so annoyed at me for instigating this seperation.
But thank you all for your replies because I was feeling guilty that I should be doing it for the kids, but really like @Brollypackedforscottishholiday said it's not like they will remember or benefit- and why should I put myself through it. If he was behaving like a sane adult I could stick a half am hour board game , but it was obviously a ploy to make me look bad to the kids , again him using the kids to get at me . It's frustrating but that's what living with an arrogant controlling narcissist is like unfortunately and under the same roof until we get to mediation/ Court 🤬

I am 11 years post Disney Dad...
Before they were 7 my ds's had every tech device.. Mostly smashed and shoved under their beds at exh's house... He never ever went into their rooms. They mostly slept still dressed
.

At 12 and 14 they packed there stuff and never went back.
Their own words were that they wanted a proper parent...
We squeezed them in ft. They had a phone each at best..
Even their dsf who went and collected them. None of this unwillingness to parent a dsc business..
Throwing cash at them didn't make him a decent df in their eyes..

God I needed to read this. My two are 6 and 10, been separated from their dad for nearly 2 years, he left 18 months ago.
He too is a controlling narcissist who was emotionally abusive. Although we only split after I discovered a third affair 🙈.
But, he earns a lot of money (over 6 figures,) and keeps buying the kids stuff. In one week he bought them a paddle board each (for a 6 year old?!) and new football kits. He buys takeaways every time he has them. Worse thing he is pays less than half the maintenance he should so I am struggling to make ends meet so I'm the boring, stressed out mum who can't afford anything.

@Worakls that's awful. Because yes we are still the mums who give normal discipline, are consistent with everything but of course, we have to say no , due to money , or just due to normal boundaries for kids and them not being spoilt.
That's awful though that you are not even getting proper maintenance and he is on a huge salary? Seriously, these men are pathetic, you think about honest decent hardworking men who are tired to the bone of providing for their family whilst being decent husband's and fathers....just makes me sick that men like ours get away with shit like this ...

I have had this experience too. Also have had to invite him on our summer vac plans because otherwise he wouldn't bother to organise (or pay for) any holiday time with the kids himself. The thing that's got me through it is the thought that it is only temporary, the kids will grow up and the dynamic will change. I think the long game!

I love the phrase "Disney Dad". I haven't heard it before but it perfectly sums up what my DH will do. After obligatory nasty behaviour and being shit. It genuinely helps that you've all shared that. It makes me feel dreadful.

Grey rock and as little contact as possible. It’s the only way that won’t drive you mad.

Hang on in there op. The kids will get sick of his inconsistency eventually. It took mine 10 long years , but they voted with their feet.

Keep being a good mum , and let him waste his time and money on false promises and overpriced junk. I know it's hard , but stay calm and don't say a bad word about him when the children are present. Focus on making a good life for yourself and your children.

Hi OP, totally get what you're saying. It adds insult to injury, as my H often pulls this stunt after being emotionally abusive and at that point I am normally fuming and hiding so he gets to excel at being such an amazing human. "Look at me, I can be absolutely delightful to everyone else apart from you, as you are so dreadful". Funnily enough no one else feels the need to talk to me like that.

Worse thing he is pays less than half the maintenance he should so I am struggling to make ends meet so I'm the boring, stressed out mum who can't afford anything.

@Worakls Is he self employed or something? If not, why isn't he paying the maintenance he should?

Also have had to invite him on our summer vac plans because otherwise he wouldn't bother to organise (or pay for) any holiday time with the kids himself.

@IdrisArslanian Why on earth would you invite him on your holiday simply because he can't be arsed to organise one himself? What does it matter if he doesn't get any "holiday time" with the kids? Plenty of parents (single or together) can't afford to take their children on holiday, it's not an essential thing.

@Outfoxedbyrabbits yep... self-employed and we are still in mediation trying to sort it all out

@Worakls Urgh, what a slimeball. If you're in mediation does that mean that you're married and getting a divorce? Can you push for a larger share of the marital assets using his recent payments as proof that ongoing financial support from him would be unreliable going forwards?

@Outfoxedbyrabbits yep been trying to divorce him for 18 months but it's been a nightmare. At one point he declared the mediator was biased towards me so we had to start all over again and he has lied on all the paperwork. Finally she's got him to admit his actual salary and we're awaiting another session. Unfortunately very few assets. Only a small amount of equity in the house which he saying he wants 50% of and won't budge and his pension he won't declare and says he will take me to court if I pursue it. Unfortunately where he earns so much he can afford to take me to court... I however can't even afford mediation anymore 😔

@Worakls

his pension he won't declare and says he will take me to court if I pursue it

He's not allowed not to declare his pension, he has to put it on his Form E along with everything else. He's not a special, sausage to whom the rules do not apply. Let him take you to court, some solicitors will allow you to pay once the case is concluded (you pay them out of your settlement figure) or you can self represent (there's lots of hel pand advice on places like Wikivorce).

Don't let him intimidate you with threats of court - he has way, WAY more to lose than you do from a court case. Judges have seen his type many times before - lying about his salary previously will come bite to bite him in the ass majorly. Have you been in touch with anyone like Women's Aid or Rights of Women? Because this is financial, abuse and you don't have to just accept this is the way it is

My STBX is similar, Lets ShowThe Kids We Can Still Be A Family and starts suggesting activities that would have been a good idea 10 years ago. And oh yes the fucking whistling!!

@Worakls I would also suspect that if you approach a few SHLs and tell them what he's been up to so far (lying about his salary, refusing to disclose his pension) you will find that lots of them will be very, very keen to tear this man apart in court

@Hopeful22, are you still in the same house? The advice above about just looking amused and ignoring him is a good idea. Could you just put your coat on and go out for a couple of hours while he is playing a board game with the kids, that way you don't have to be subjected to the passive aggressive attitude?

As for the poster whose husband is too big and important to put truthful information on the Form E... keep at him. If you have nothing and he has lots, he has MUCH more to lose than you do. Judges take a very dim view of such men. You can self-rep, or you may get legal aid. Also, once everything is settled, grass him up to the taxman.

@Funnylittlefloozie yes unfortunately we are in the same house , its horrendous, but yes I did do this actually I said I was going for a walk. He's just doing it to make me look bad , it's very wearing though , exhausting...