Feeling very anxious - please give me advice

[needhelp20212]

I feel like everything in my life is a mess and it's causing me a lot of anxiety. I'm just going to set it all down here.

I'm 35. No family - am NC with mother and sibling. I work in quite a precarious industry, and although I enjoy my job, I am freelance and it causes me a lot of stress and financial worry.

I do finally own my own home but it's a worry to pay the mortgage every month.

In addition, I am in a weird situation where I am not in a relationship but sort of am. Have an ex partner who I was with for 8 years - it didn't work out and it caused me a lot of hurt. It's taken me a long time to move past it. Didn't work out for lots of reasons but ultimately I think he just didn't really want to move his life forward in anyway. He's a good person but I do feel hurt that he strung me along for such a long time. He is also a lot older than me - 20 years - and I've just accepted now that I wasted a good part of my 20s on him but I also know now for certain I don't want a romantic relationship with him. He seems fine with this.

This is where it gets complicated. He is basically still my best friend and is the closest thing I have to family. I see him most days and he helps me financially when I need it. In effect, he's basically become like a parent/father figure to me.

Lately, I've just started to feel so anxious about everything. I have no separate family I can rely on or even talk to. I have lovely friends but they're all busy with their lives. I don't know if I want a relationship or children, nothing seems stable enough for me to even consider that.

I just feel incredibly anxious and sad and listless about it all. I know the advice will probably be to change jobs and maybe I should. I just feel like that's another area I've failed at. I look at the news about social care etc and I feel terrified about growing old, having no savings and no family. But at the same time, I also feel completely helpless and often hope I have an accident or die prematurely before it gets to that. I've had psyhotherapy for 2 years and whilst it has helped I still feel frightened. I also feel scared about what will happen if/should my ex partner die. Then I really will have no one and no help.

I have just sort of accepted that this is my life - that I will muddle along like this until something terrible or drastic happens.

If someone can see this more clearly than me, I'd appreciate some help or advice. I'm really just not sure what to do or maybe I just am incapable of doing anything.

My friends have told me previously to cut contact with my ex partner and whilst I can see he's holding me back, very happy to continue as is - he gets companionship and some meaning to his life - it's something that is really hard to do when I feel I have absolutely no one else.

O bless you. Sorry I don't want to read and run. I think you need to find a way of being financially secure with out borrowing money from your ex. Can you freelance say 3 days a week and get a secure income /different job the remaining 2?.
Also I think you could be a bit lost, I get it because I feel the same. Maybe take a hobby up or new interest. It sounds as if your life has become quite small and you need an injection of fun and excitement.
Z

Thank you. I think your last bit is completely true. My life has become really small. Nothing new or fun or exciting. I just feel lost and anxious the whole time and just quite frightened.

You seem very passive in your own life. Try becoming pro active- this is your life, for you to change as and when you want.

If I'm hungry, I don't wait for cake to find me. If I'm naked, I don't wander round waiting for someone to cover me up. Neither actions make me a bad person but more, that if I do something about my own needs, I have more control over them and what I get :)

Thank you. It’s true I am being very passive. I think it’s that I don’t quite know how to get myself out of this. I feel a bit frozen in fear or apathy, I’m not sure. What would you suggest?

It sounds like you really need to reevaluate what you want your life to look like.

When I was 36 and just came out of a failed marriage I sat down and thought about a life-plan. I knew I had to get my housing situation in control - which you have and well done on getting that sorted!. My second goal was to try and meet a suitable partner. So I did OLD for 2-3 years with varying degrees of success ( I had a 2 year volatile relationship but we were ultimately incompatible). In the meantime I'd realised that I wanted a family of my own. I researched ways of becoming a solo mother by choice. I won't go into it here but of you wish to know more/have questions PM me and I'd be happy to answer. My life previously was stagnating, I was socially isolated and it really made me feel disconnected from my peers. For me, and I've been really fortunate, pursuing solo motherhood (I'm currently 26 weeks pregnant) has given me a new direction I've been craving for and a sense of purpose and stability that simply weren't there beforehand. I'd second advice regarding alternative forms of employment which are more secure and better paid.

Ultimately, you need to work out what's important to you and how to go about achieving that.

That’s very kind of you. I’ve been thinking about what you said. I think my work is very important to me and what I find fulfilling. I do love what I do and I’d love to continue in it which is why I’m so loathe to leave but it’s also quite a toxic, competitive, ruthless culture and not particularly ‘fair’ I guess but based on networking and fitting in. I’m a bit of an introvert and it’s not really my style. But throwing in the towel also makes me feel quite miserable.