Why do I let my toxic ex make me feel like this?

[fidgetmad]

So a bit of background.

Was with my exH 12 years, married for 10. Split 8 years ago when I found out he'd been having an affair when I was pregnant which continued after dc was born until i caught him.

After the initial shock we had a few years of amicable co-parenting and then he moved in with the OW. I was over the marriage breakdown/affair but his DP hates me and is really insecure. Doesn't want us having any contact whatsoever, even tho it was only ever about dc. She's told dc she doesn't want to hear my name mentioned in her house and not to talk about me etc

In the last 2-3 years exH has turned really nasty and spiteful. He has regular contact with DC and they have an "ok" relationship

I've moved on, currently single but been in a couple of relationships over the year, enjoy dating but also happy being single. I've got amazing family& friends, successful career, nice house, generally genuinely quite happy.

What I can't my head around is the effect my ex still has on me.

Last night, as an example, he got really angry about something (don't want to be too outing), and sent me a long text going on about how bad my parenting is. Apparently I'm hindering DCs development and holding them back, just generally being a shit mum.

I'm not the most confident person but one thing I am confident about is that I'm the best mum I can be and I think I'm doing a pretty good job. Always complemented on how well I'm doing, how happy dc is, they're doing well at school. Teacher always commenting on how kind and well mannered they are etc

However despite all this, the text from my ex left me in tears for hours last night. Couldn't sleep and even today my stomach is still churning and I feel sick

I know part of my issue is that I care far too much what others think. I've done this my whole life. But why do I care what HE (and his family) think? The rational part of my brain knows he's just having a go out of anger and trying to make me feel bad.

Why can't I just shrug off his comments and not care what he says or thinks?

I'm not the most confident person

He's tapping into this. You gave him access to the core of you when you had kids with him, and you know that his way of thinking might filter into your kids' attitudes, too. In short, his insults are much closer to home for you than anyone else's would be.

Have a think about two things:

1. His reasons for being so horrible to you. Would a decent, trustworthy person speak to you in this way? If not, why is a part of you trusting what he says about you?

2. Where is 'I'm not the most confident person' coming from? This is the key to brushing off insults. Why aren't you the most confident? What do you think is wrong with you? Concentrate on getting to the root of this, rather than trying not to be hurt by his words. He is causing you to have a symptom of an issue that YOU have responsibility for. This is nothing to do with him, and everything to do with you.

Imagine a person with really high self respect (it could be someone you know or a character from a film or whatever - but someone you can actually picture/hear their voice etc) - what would they do in your situation? I found this a useful way to step out of habitual self-disrespecting thoughts.

Nobody who speaks to you the way he does deserves the respect of being listened to.

@TheFoundations thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

You're completely spot on with everything.

I had counselling last year and realised a lot of my confidence problems go back to my childhood. I'm actually quite good at masking and most of my friends and colleagues would describe me as confident. It's only those that know me really know that deep down im much less confident than I portray.

There are a number of reasons why I know he's not a good man (I'll not go into them all but there have even been recent events that have resulted in his own family questioning this and they have previously been very close)

I think my biggest issue is that I'm constantly looking for external approval and trying to prove to everyone I'm a good person/mum/friend/colleague. I don't get criticised often but I'm a bit over thinker and really take it to heart.

The logical part of my brain knows i should ignore my ex and his views (I know he's not a good judge of character anyway and has a lot of his own issues). I can be fine for months then something kicks off and he really upsets me and it lasts for weeks of my constantly analysing what's he's said and doubts me.

I can't stand him and know I shouldn't care what he thinks so why do I want his validation to 'prove' I'm a good person/mum?

why do I want his validation to 'prove' I'm a good person/mum

It's ironic, isn't it? When really, being the best mum would involve teaching your kids to avoid people like him.

I think you need to reconceptualise the whole issue, and remove him from your picture of the situation. It's not 'Why do I need his validation', it's 'Why do I need validation'. Can you see that even in the way you're asking the question, you're giving him the power? And that by reframing the question, you remove his power altogether (by removing him)?

Have you tried laughing at him? I mean, not to his face, obviously. But just on your own, and in your head. 'He said I was a shit Mum! HAHAHAHAAAA!! He's so clueless! HAHA!! What an idiot!!' Knock him clean off his pedestal; take him out by the back of his knees and watch him tumble. He won't know a thing about it, of course, and nor will anybody else except you.

I remember having a verbal altercation with a stranger once, some nasty bloke, who ended up calling me a 'stupid fat cow'. I did burst out laughing at him. If he'd just said 'stupid cow', he might have upset me, because I can be stupid sometimes (like anybody else), and I had been a cow to him, but calling me fat was just funny, because I was underweight. It drained any hope of truth out of what he said, and revealed him for what he was: someone who needed to use unfounded insults to make them feel they had any power.

That's what your ex is. How pathetic. If he had any actual power he'd have no need to speak to you in this way, so remove his power in your mind.

This is about you. It's your problem, and that's a good thing, because it means that you're the one who can fix it. It's not just a problem with him; it's a problem when you're hiding your delicate side from those who are close to you, too. I suspect that, because the problem comes from your childhood, part of you still is in your childhood. What does the little fidgetmad have tantrums about? That voice inside you that you hide from people needs to be heard; only by you, but once you listen to her, she'll settle down. She's currently having a tantrum about what he's said, and she might spend a few weeks screaming 'BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!'

Which bit of your childhood has been touched upon here?

His comments are deliberately aimed at breaking down your barriers and causing you emotional harm. And he is just the sort of toxic person who knows exactly how to do this. Dont blame yourself for what predators like him do.

Instead focus on limiting contact with him as much as possible. Never reply to his aggressive or mean messages. Even if they are about th kids (which are the only messages you need consider replying to).

The key is to be able to separate your emotions from his. To recognise that his forked tongue is a result of his issues and not a reflection on you. And to keep as far away from him as possible as much as possible so that he cannot break you down through time and proximity.

Think of him as a vampire and protect yourself accordingly. Though, unfortunately, garlic might not work on his type xD

@TheFoundations @Pinkbonbon such wise words!!

I know through his actions from when we were together, and since we split, that his opinion should count for nothing!!

Love the idea of just laughing at him in my head. He's pathetic really.

I think a lot of it is deflection of his own guilt. If it's all my fault then he doesn't need to feel bad about everything he's done.

I know all of this yet it's like he still has some kind of power over me!!

You're right tho, it's my issue and I need to fix my own thought process. I had so much therapy last year and it worked wonders but after his text last night I just feel like I have gone 10 steps backwards

@TheFoundations I actually had a happy, privileged childhood but my own mum is a bit emotionally detached (issues with her own upbringing) and I've always felt the need for her approval/validation and have spent my whole life people pleasing and obsessing over what others think of me.

I'll maybe book some more sessions as it had definitely helped

Thanks so much to both of you for replying

I would start grey rocking him and certainly not discussing things whilst he is being emotionally abusive towards you.

You could respond to his rants with "noted" or simply refuse to engage.

His messages are about him making himself feel better about by putting you down.

Does it help to recognise that the only place on the entire planet (and in the entire universe) where he hold any semblance of power is in your head? That tiny space between your ears, that holds all of your intelligence and all of your memories, also holds all of his power. All of it. That's all he has. If he had power anywhere else, he'd be making himself the big man there. So... you have all the power over all of his power. Now who's the boss?

A detached Mum can mess you up, even if she loves you to bits. My mum loved me to bits, but she had abuse and grief in her life, so, sometimes she looked after me, and sometimes I looked after her, even when I was very little. It took a lot of unpicking in counselling, but all my relationship issues as an adult could be boiled down to one sentence (and it was always a furious, tantrumiming sentence): 'YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!!!!'

See if you can find your sentence. Detached parenting can lead to lots of sentences, like 'You're not there for me!!', 'You don't encourage me when I need it!!!', 'You let me down!!!' etc. Listen to the tantrum inside you. I got a red pen and wrote a sort of tantrum diary. It was awful - like a kid swearing a lot - but it helped me boil things down.

Do you know about attachment styles? Detached parenting can push you one way or the other. The 'one sentence' and attachment styles were like 10 ton pennies dropping for me

www.evergreenpsychotherapycenter.com/styles-adult-attachment/

Cheated on his wife & mother of his children, left, now set up with OW ex wife has facilitated a co.parenting relationship he didn't deserve..... but he's still not happy, eh. (Nor is his mistress, now partner).

Never happy, by the sounds of it.

To me you are making a mistake by giving him a platform/route through which to abuse you. You should have an email or separate phone set up for co patenting communication. And only co parenting communication; if he insists on communicating about other things (essentially harassing you) I would look into harassment (legally). He needs to know he will be totally ignored and then reported for harassment if he continues "communicating" about non co parenting issues. The issues are not opinions, they are factual, basic arrangements.

I'd get some advice, perhaps women's aid or rights of women could help you oj how to deal with his harassment and verbal/written abuse going forward.

@TheFoundations Everything you have posted has been a massive help!!

I'll definitely try the one sentence tantrums! I think I might even enjoy that 😂

The attachment styles are interesting! In general with friendships and relationships the anxious attachment style is how I actually feel but i deal with it by being very independent and not letting people get close - sounds like a complete contradiction! But I don't like the way the anxious attachment makes me feel and it's not how I want to be so I fight it and go to the other extreme! I don't like to depend on anyone and have trouble even asking people for help or showing any weakness. Struggle with compliments or believing people actually like me.

However, when it comes to my DC I'm the complete opposite. Constantly hugging & kissing, telling them how much I love them. Want them to know constantly that I'll be there for them no matter what. They literally are my whole world (i know everyone says that but sometimes I think I'm almost too obsessive about it!) Until I read the link, I would've said I was very secure in my relationship with DC but going out my way to act the opposite of my own mum so there's never in any doubt about how I feel.

However, after reading the link I'm starting to think I maybe have an anxious attachment parenting style with dc. It's like I'm constantly worried about losing her to her dad and his partner (the OW) if that makes sense?!

Think I'll definitely try a bit more therapy but this has been eye opening!!

Thanks @SleepingBunnies21 - you're so right!!

We have quite strict rules about communication (set by him when he was on one of his power trips!!)

This argument started as I emailed him something very factual and specific about dc, relating to a change in pick up arrangements. His text reply to that was basically having a massive go about the change (actually very minor) and he used that to lead on to a rant about my parenting so he'd argue it's all related. I'd usually reply to defend myself but like a PP said, I should just grey rock him!!

Thanks everyone

like a PP said, I should just grey rock him!!

Probably, in fact definitely, best.

It would still be useful to get advice on how to proceed if he persists in this, essentially, abuse. You should have to keep grey rocking him, you're still reading the shite he's ranting. And he sounds like the type to keep at it.

The thing with attachment styles is that they don't really become an issue until things start going wrong in a relationship. That's why people in new relationships are so blissfully happy; nobody has been triggered into having their attachment style reactions. Then, one day, there's a trigger, and one partner seems to the other to have turned into a totally different person, and it's the response to that that makes or breaks the relationship. You can either have 'OMG I turned into some weird wailing pathetic version of myself, and he just turned his back and left', or 'OMG I turned into some weird wailing pathetic version of myself and he was so nurturing...' In both examples there's an anxious attachment being triggered, but in one of them, that's fine.

Nobody has to fix their attachment style: we are what we are. Accepting that you're the sort of person who needs a nurturing partner (or whatever it is that you need), leaving those who don't have the requisite qualities, and seeking out those who do is the definition of a secure attachment style. It's not about how much attachment you need/enjoy, it's about how much of a mess you're willing to get yourself into before you walk away.

Your kids don't trigger you, so your relationship with them will be you at your finest; full of love and affection, 100 cuddles a minute, reassurance at 183% That's not an anxious attachment style: that's how you do love in your own unique personal way!

@fidgetmad

Thanks *@SleepingBunnies21* - you're so right!!

We have quite strict rules about communication (set by him when he was on one of his power trips!!)

This argument started as I emailed him something very factual and specific about dc, relating to a change in pick up arrangements. His text reply to that was basically having a massive go about the change (actually very minor) and he used that to lead on to a rant about my parenting so he'd argue it's all related. I'd usually reply to defend myself but like a PP said, I should just grey rock him!!

Thanks everyone

I would have replied "So is that a yes or a no in terms of small change to pick up?"

Things like this.

Then if he goes on just say, oh I didn't read the rant bit just skimmed for an answer to the original question.

Just to reinforce that he is wasting his time. If nothing else it should piss him off a bit. But don't engage with it it's nonsense. A good dad, if he honestly had any concerns, would care that the mother of his kids was struggling and try and help so these rants indicate that you are a sounding board for "insert reason here". Living with Mrs Neurotic most likely but that's not your circus.

Your kids are fine.

You're doing great.