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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

"The talk" advice please!

25 replies

ApplepieSnapplepie · 09/09/2021 11:05

I have been seeing a man for around 4 months now. We are long distance but the relationship has been good, he seems in to me, lots of contact, visits and making plans. We met online and spoke for a few weeks before meeting. The first date was one of those ones were you know you like each other right away and everything followed very naturally. I soon "ended" any other chats I had going on online, just for my own sake, as I knew I wanted to focus on this guy. We never spoke about exclusivity but I always felt that it was clear from both of our actions that we were only with each other. He has referred to me as his girlfriend on one occasion, I've met one of his friends and overall I feel pretty secure.

I've now decided to broach the subject of exclusivity, as I realise it's not a great idea to just assume these things. I am pretty confident that he will be on the same page going forward.

My only concern is this: would it be reasonable for me to ask him if he has still been talking to/seeing other people so far in the relationship?

If he has, then technically he has done nothing wrong and I recognise that. On the other hand it would be slightly concerning if he has been this loving and "boyfriend-y" with me, whilst pursuing other women/keeping his options open.

The reason that I would even suspect that, is because I recently went on to the app where we met and looked at his profile, saw that he has updated his location to the place that he moved to just a month ago. (This particular app doesn't follow your current location, you manually set your neighbourhood/hometown.)

So what do you think, should I just ask if he wants to be exclusive going forward and leave the past in the past?

Or is it reasonable to ask if he has been and is still talking to other women, has been on dates etc whilst we've been seeing each other?

OP posts:

dovesandroses · 09/09/2021 11:23

4 months! I would be wary, most guys that have been keen to be exclusive, bring the subject up quite quickly as they don't want other men giving you attention.
He's still on the app and changed his location since you've known him, I wouldn't feel confident, 4 months IMO is long enough to know if you want to be exclusive, he could be a player I wouldn't trust him.
Is he what you want anyway with the long distance? maybe that's what's stalling the connection.

Original poster

ApplepieSnapplepie · 09/09/2021 11:33

Hmm, good points @dovesandroses
I doubt he is a player as we are both in our forties, have kids with us part time and we text every day throughout the day. But I guess I am more concerned that he is keeping his options open for someone who lives closer to him, which would be more convenient. I am his first relationship after his separation, so it could be that I am just a placeholder, company for now.

Good point about men usually being keen to be exclusive. To be honest I had expected him to bring it up by now, as he has been more of the driving force in the relationship, and seemed so in to me. Maybe I shouldn't be quite so confident about this!

I am not entirely sure if the long distance will work long term, but at the moment I am monogamous in this relationship so I'd prefer to be on the same page! As in if we are seeing each other then I want to properly give it a go. If I decide it's not for me, I want to see what else is out there, then the right thing would be to end it. Not to start looking online whilst we are together. Does that make sense?

OP posts:

dovesandroses · 09/09/2021 11:39

He does seem he could be looking to see if anyone closer grabs his attention, but this isn't fair on you while you prioritise him, I would definitely bring it up next time you talk, if he isn't willing to then you know to keep your options open or move in from him.

dovesandroses · 09/09/2021 11:40

*on

Original poster

ApplepieSnapplepie · 09/09/2021 11:41

Do you think it's fair then to ask if he has been talking to others/active online (liking profiles, matching etc)? As even if he is happy to be exclusive going forwards it tells me something about how he feels about me and how he has been viewing the relationship....

Should I mention that I looked on his profile or does that sounds crazy?

OP posts:

dovesandroses · 09/09/2021 12:43

I think it's fair, it's been long enough, it's your time and energy you're putting into this connection, I think it's more crazy not to know where you stand.
You have a lot of patience, I wouldn't of been ok to wait this long. Always follow what you think so the right thing to do and say, if you're both not on the same page then it would never work anyway.

JustAnother0ldMan · 09/09/2021 12:51

Maybe you and put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if he asked you, if you were seeing/ chatting to other people, as the distance issue will be the same for him.?

LastGirlSanding · 09/09/2021 12:57

Of course it’s fine to have the talk. You feel things are exclusive but are aware it’s not officially that way until you agree it between you - so just ask how he feels about it. No need to bring up the dating app - if he wants to be exclusive he’ll agree and if he’s honest he’ll delete it.

Original poster

ApplepieSnapplepie · 09/09/2021 13:11

@LastGirlSanding
I guess my feeling is that IF he has indeed still been dating, especially in the past month since he moved to his new place, I can't help but feel like he has been a bit disingenuous and it would affect my feelings/trust in him. As even if he could say that technically we weren't exclusive it would surely say something about how he views the relationship and his feelings towards me. I was honestly pretty shocked to see that he had updated his location settings on the app at some point this past month, after I've supported him through his move etc. He has even brought up things like our kids meeting in future and living together in future (but all in a hypothetical "one day" way, as obviously it's way, way too soon). So it would really indicate actions and words not matching up to me...

OP posts:

JustMyGuitarAndMe · 09/09/2021 13:54

[quote ApplepieSnapplepie]@LastGirlSanding
I guess my feeling is that IF he has indeed still been dating, especially in the past month since he moved to his new place, I can't help but feel like he has been a bit disingenuous and it would affect my feelings/trust in him. As even if he could say that technically we weren't exclusive it would surely say something about how he views the relationship and his feelings towards me. I was honestly pretty shocked to see that he had updated his location settings on the app at some point this past month, after I've supported him through his move etc. He has even brought up things like our kids meeting in future and living together in future (but all in a hypothetical "one day" way, as obviously it's way, way too soon). So it would really indicate actions and words not matching up to me...[/quote]
I'd feel the same tbh.

Realistically, you have two choices. Head in the sand and ignore what you know (updated profile) or speak with him amd then base your decision on that.

Although, if he's updated his location etc then he has clearly been on there and clearly views himself as 'available'.

So I'd have the chat but bear in mind that you already have this information.

LastGirlSanding · 09/09/2021 14:25

I do totally get where you’re coming from but tbh that would make me even more keen to have the conversation rather than not have it. And I think given you have noticed his dating profile and how this has made you feel it is better to talk then more openly and include that.

If you don’t say anything this is going to be a big elephant in the room - and it’s already affecting your trust. So I think on reflection you could definitely raise it and see what he says about both - exclusivity and dating. And depending on the conversation see how you feel?

I think i’d feel a little hurt as well in your shoes.

Original poster

ApplepieSnapplepie · 09/09/2021 14:44

@LastGirlSanding I'm definitely going to speak to him about it. I want the relationship to be open and honest and he does come a cross that way; open, vulnerable etc which something I really like about him.

I think I may start the chat by saying how I see things, that I really like him, that I've not been seeing or speaking to anyone else as I felt it had all progressed really naturally between us but that it occurred to me that he may see things differently. And then just let him speak freely.

If he has been talking to others but genuinely has felt that we were not exclusive then he shouldn't feel he has anything to hide. I would rather know how the land lies and then I can make informed decisions.

I definitely need to know if we are exclusive going forward, as long distance means lots of time waiting around to see each other and that is not time I want to invest if it's not monogamous.

But I'd also like some indication on how he has seen the relationship up until this point, as that's also important for me to assess whether I should continue investing in the relationship. Doesn't need to be a lowdown on his every move over the past 4 months but I'd rather he was honest and said "well I wasn't sure if you were seeing others and felt a bit insecure so to be honest I have been chatting to a few people online" etc. I'd rather that we are open an honest with each other and moving forward with nothing hidden.

OP posts:

JustMyGuitarAndMe · 09/09/2021 14:59

That's a good idea and perfectly OK to ask if he has been talking to or met up with anyone else.

Srtis · 09/09/2021 16:12

How far away are you and how old are the kids? What is the likelihood of one of you moving to be with the other in the future when you each have children? How often do you see each other?

3luckystars · 09/09/2021 16:15

I think you should keep your options open too and not open your mouth or have a chat, if you like him.

All the best.

Original poster

ApplepieSnapplepie · 09/09/2021 16:29

@Srtis

How far away are you and how old are the kids? What is the likelihood of one of you moving to be with the other in the future when you each have children? How often do you see each other?

Well, these are the other things playing on my mind... We see each other every other weekend for 3-4 nights when we don't have our kids. So it's whether I am happy with that sort of separate living arrangement or whether either of us would move. It's not impossible, but certainly not easy of course. In between seeing each other we text throughout the day and speak on the phone a couple of times a week.

OP posts:

Original poster

ApplepieSnapplepie · 09/09/2021 16:32

@3luckystars

I think you should keep your options open too and not open your mouth or have a chat, if you like him.

All the best.

Can I ask why I shouldn't have a chat if I like him?

I see your point about keeping my options open, but the problem is that I am not actually keeping my options open at the moment. I am not the kind of person who can be in a loving, affectionate, sexual relationship with one person and also be open to dating others. It's just not in my nature.

So for me it's a case of I'm fully in this for now and seeing where it leads, or I cut my losses, end things and get back out there with dating.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 09/09/2021 17:18

If I found out a guy in this situation was still on a dating site I'd assume he wasn't interested, no matter how nice he was.

Original poster

ApplepieSnapplepie · 09/09/2021 17:46

@HollowTalk

If I found out a guy in this situation was still on a dating site I'd assume he wasn't interested, no matter how nice he was.

Hmm, maybe you are right.... But I think the best way forward is to be open and vulnerable and see what happens. That is the only way to find out!

OP posts:

LV2NY · 09/09/2021 21:07

It actually sounds pretty serious if you are spending 3-4 nights together in a row. To be honest I think you probably should have asked him about whether or not you were exclusive before now. Talk about it next time you see him but keep it casual. Say I probably should have brought this up before now but what we have is exclusive right? From what you have described I would be very surprised if he is still on online dating or chatting to others.

JustAnother0ldMan · 09/09/2021 23:13

If I found out a guy in this situation was still on a dating site I'd assume he wasn't interested, no matter how nice he was.

But the OP is sill on the same dating site (she admitted to looking at his profile),
Maybe he has seen the OPs profile online and is thinking exactly the same thing

Catlover1970 · 09/09/2021 23:54

This seems like a decent relationship. I think I would just say you went on the dating site just for old times sake and saw him on there. Then say - looking on there has made you realize how happy you are at the moment and would he like to be exclusive? Then you could say that you are going to delete your profile… he might then say the same and give you the reassurance that you need x honesty best policy

GreyCarpet · 10/09/2021 00:20

@LV2NY

Shes seen that he's still on there and has updated his location

friendlyflicka · 10/09/2021 18:03

I am not someone who is happy with many partners. Naturally monogamous and don't have the time. Once I have decided I like someone, and we have spent lots of time together and they appear to be keen on me, I will tell them I have come off apps and am not seeing anyone else. If at that point they told me they still were trying to meet new people, I wouldn't really be interested in them.

I don't really care how you are 'supposed to date online'. And that has worked for me pretty well.

givinglessfucksdaily · 10/09/2021 19:13

I think I'd say something like " my subscription is up soon , how do you feel about us ditching the apps as it's going quite well , or .. do you think we should carry on keeping our options open ?"
Or in Love Island speak " where's your head at ? "

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