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Original poster

Can a relationship move forward if you don’t ever live together?

15 replies

Fightingback16 · 09/09/2021 08:02

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now (not looking to move in and certainly not yet) just wondering.

We both own our own houses. I had to fight through court for mine so never want to be in that situation again. I have a 5 year old and they get on like a house on fire. It’s absolutely brilliant to see. Dd hasn’t seen her father in 2 years as that’s in court but I assume contact will at some point resume.

She says to me will (let’s call him George) live with us. I say no not at the moment as he has is own house and he is a messy pup.

I don’t actually think I could share a bed every night but I love this man and I miss his face. If I saw him every day perhaps I’d not miss him so much and he is incredibly untidy!!

No kids planned at the moment and I’m getting a little old (38) so not sure if we’d have any together, If we did it wouldn’t be a terrible thing. But hmmm not sure I actually want to live with a man again as last time it was truly awful….

Can a relationship work with 2 separate houses and still love each other as much as one household???

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 09/09/2021 08:54

Of course it can, its called Living Apart Together - there is a great Facebook group which I recommend you join.

Babdoc · 09/09/2021 09:01

It might work better, actually, OP! Giving each other space, no clash about house chores or cleaning standards, no keeping each other awake snoring, no arguments about decor…!

idontlikealdi · 09/09/2021 09:07

I'd love to not live with DH, I think it would be brilliant and I know if two friends whose parents have done this since retirement and they genuinely seem to have great relationships instead of irritating each other 24/7.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 09/09/2021 09:30

I guess it’s just not the standard unit you are brought up to want. Financially we would be better of together, we would have more money to do more things but then if it went wrong eeeek would be in trouble again.

OP posts:
wishfuldreamer · 09/09/2021 09:58

I suppose it's worth interrogating that - 'what you are brought up to want'. Think about if it's something that you actually want - both in terms of your financial independence and security, but also how your relationship functions. there's no reason to do something because society expects it of us...do what works for you, and spend some time thinking and reflecting on what that actually is. the answers might surprise you :-)

altmember · 09/09/2021 10:07

I'm in a similar situation. We usually only get to see each other every other weekend when we're child free. There's no prospect of us living together until our kids are adult, so another 10 years of it being this way. It's hard, but we've both accepted that's just how it is. And I think we both like to have our own space too.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 09/09/2021 10:21

I guess I also need to see what he thinks as it’s not just me in the relationship and I’m not too sure what he is thinking. I did ask the other day if he is happy with us how it is and he said yeah he’s very happy so that’s the answer. I do crave a loving family unit and I look at others and get a bit jealous. But then that is not my life and I have to live mine the way it is.

OP posts:
Keepitonthedownlow · 09/09/2021 10:23

@wishfuldreamer

I suppose it's worth interrogating that - 'what you are brought up to want'. Think about if it's something that you actually want - both in terms of your financial independence and security, but also how your relationship functions. there's no reason to do something because society expects it of us...do what works for you, and spend some time thinking and reflecting on what that actually is. the answers might surprise you :-)
That's great advice
Hld40s · 09/09/2021 10:29

@Fightingback16 this has been a huge bone of contention with me and my partner. After 4+yes of filtering from him it’s become apparent unless one of use makes the move to the other it’s not going to happen. Very very hard after all that time and ill be honest and say I have no idea what to do. It’s caused a huge wedge between us and I feel we are now both more separate than we ever were. Great couple and as a poster said above I really did want to live with him, now though I’m not so sure and like you am scared of the hassle it may bring if things didn’t work.
Sorry that was a long waffle and no help but I think if you’re happy as a whole see how it goes? Has he mentioned living together in the future? How would you deal with his untidiness?!

PieceOfString · 09/09/2021 10:49

I think the stress and strains are different. Living they've brings a domestic cosy closeness which aids incidental passing moments of closeness and joint decision making, but personal habits and living styles /priorities are more likely to clash. Living apart might need higher levels of communication and consideration to get the rhythms to meet and make you be a unit, so I guess it depends on curricular and character, your strengths and weaknesses between you. It feels a bit arms length but for some relationships that would be a good thing, it's it a good thing that it's a good thing 🤔😆 I suppose that boils down to why. Your situation sounds like keeping your own homes would make a lot of sense pragmatically.

PieceOfString · 09/09/2021 10:50

Omg. So many auto correct fails. I can only apologise. 😑

PieceOfString · 09/09/2021 10:52

is it a good thing that being arms length is a good thing. It should have said. The rest is kinda figurable. 😆

Branleuse · 09/09/2021 11:32

if it aint broke, dont fix it. I think LAT relationships can be great. If at any point in the future you do want to live together, then you can discuss it then, but theres no rush or obligation

Sunshineandflipflops · 09/09/2021 12:51

I know a fair few couples who don't live together and no plans to, including myself and my partner.

He lived an hour away from me until a couple of months ago when he moved to my town so we could see more of each other (I am the only one with a car). He lived with me and my 2 dc until his house was ready, so about 2 months and it was fine but I craved my own space and time with the kids.

The way I see it is what I am looking for now, divorced and 43 is different to what I was looking for in my 20's. I don't want any more children so don't see the need to share a mortgage and house with someone. I am currently going through my divorce too and hope to take on the family house myself so I want that financial independence for me and my dc.

Him being 5 mins away is perfect and I am certainly happier for it.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 09/09/2021 13:33

@Sunshineandflipflops yes I’m 38 divorced and not looking for the same. Well I’m teaching myself that I don’t need someone to make me happy. I don’t want to rely on someone else again for my whole life like I did before. But I do miss the working as a team feeling and accomplishing things together.

Saying that this morning on the way to school I told my daughter about mummy working on her own, doing up the house I own on my own and that I was proud. And although I love my boyfriend I do not need him. I want her to not make the same mistake as me and rely on someone for your happiness.

OP posts:
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