'getting ducks in a row' vs just getting out

[lemonadecar]

I have been reading these boards as my husband, who has always been very angry and irrational has got a lot worse over lockdown and his antics (sulking, aggression, paranoia) are having a serious effect on my mental health, happiness and ability to work, too.

I heard a lot about getting your ducks in a row -- making sure things are lined up as well as possible before leaving or needing to leave, and as I have kids this is appealing to me, but I also feel like things are already at a crunch point. Is there anyone else on here who knows how to decide between getting ducks in a row vs just getting out? I am very financially unsecure and the first would be better long term for the kids, I am just not sure I can do it. H has daily extreme mood swings, unreliability, interrupting my sleep etc.

There is no physical violence, but there is everything else.

Im not sure - what is your definition of getting your ducks in a row?

In my books it just refers to familiarising oneself with the divorce process (Wikivorce), getting hold of all financial paperwork, important documents such as birth certificates, degrees etc, and talking things through with a family solicitor, as well as finding somewhere to live or initiating legal steps to get him to move out and selling up.

Obviously this in itself can get complicated, but it's definitely preferable to simply walking out.

Yes, I also thought of it in terms of getting a higher paid job and working a few other things out. But my daily life is becoming a torture.

To me it means, getting all documents together, seeing a solicitor, saving up if need be, finding somewhere else to live etc especially if it’s amicable V Just packing a bag and moving in with friends/family/hostel and THEN sorting things out.

Definitely not amicable, I am living with someone who is acrimonious even when /not/ going through an angry phase.

It doesn't have to be a very long process. I've no experience but I always think that getting your ducks in a row is a mad dash to collect any paperwork and important documents together whilst trying to book a solicitor.
But it would also be prudent to start a claim for any benefits you might be entitled to as this can take a while.
Set yourself a target date to get it all started, so a week atleast, then get out asap after that.

Oh I see, that's helpful. I was thinking like a year to reshape life to be better in a split. I can't do it.

Don't forget that you get half of all assets- so finances might be a lot better than you imagine. As long as you can afford living independently, I wouldn't worry about finances. I would focus on getting out.

People always say this - gather important papers but what ? Mortgage ? His pension ? Most things are on line now and you should always have been keeping an eye on these things . You wait months for a Cash Equivalent Transfer Value.

@lemonadecar

Oh I see, that's helpful. I was thinking like a year to reshape life to be better in a split. I can't do it.

No just get copies or originals of all the financial documents. Get account numbers, ID, birth certificates. See a solicitor for free and get a list of anything they want before leaving.

People don’t mean a CETV for the pension! They mean

1. Things you need to take with you when you leave, like your passport, birth certificates or bank cards.

1. Things that your STBX might destroy in an act of vengeance, like baby photos or the watch your granny left you.

1. Paperwork to prove things that he might hide later, , like extra savings accounts or other matrimonial assets.

1. Paperwork that will help you get better legal advice, like a mortgage statement.

1. Paperwork like his payslips or tax return that will help you submit a claim for child support / agree an amount with him .