Anyone's partner close to an ex?

[Jellymelon]

My new relationship is going really well. We have built up over the last year and really taken it slow. We are now at a good place and looking forward to the future. The only problem is he carries grief from the past and his ex.

They split over 2 years ago. When we first met she came up really early on. I found it weird when he said they'd remained friends. Over time I've learned alot more about them as a couple through his family and himself. They both sorter did things that hurt the other and they just seemingly had different lifestyles. She was very outgoing. He wanted a quieter life. In the end the balance was missing. Both started resenting the other and it sounds like money was something they argued about amongst him drinking too much and her going away with friends too much. They split after the final year being toxic.

He had councilling after the split and learned he struggled with grief. It's not just his ex. He doesn't like loosing people so he hates letting connections go. They keep in touch and it's quite bizarre based on how sour things got. .

She expressed some concerns about me being right for him and questioned him on other women he's friends with too. This was a few weeks ago. It caused abit of friction between us. He told me to ask anything and if she couldn't be happy for him then she wasn't much if a friend.

When I asked if she had said anymore the following day he got qbit defensive and started saying it was me creating scenarios and I took it too badly. He said she was only meaning well and didn't want anyone taking advantage of him! Then a couple of days ago he messaged to say he had asked her for some old dvds for us to watch. They've not seen eachother in person for a year and I was abit disappointed he was being chatty with her after her making me feel rubbish. It caused another row Monday which led to him saying maybe it was better to loose me now rather than later. We met up last night for a meal and had a nice evening and we've moved on again.

A chat with his cousin and she's told me he still carries alot of guilt around about her and believed she was the one he would spend his life with. She then told me he's told her I'm everything he wants and he's really happy and feels ready to settle and have a relationship again. But she did say he felt I was too demanding in regards to his ex and was pressuring him abit. I've not tried to do that and I've never asked him to not communicate with her.

I'm prepared to keep going as other than the couple of disagreements over her we've been happy and really seem to connect. I'm just looking for any advice from anyone who has experienced similar?
He's made it crystal clear they don't want to be together and told me the reasons why they don't want it. He's been honest and said 18 months ago they discussed it and decided no they didn't want it. I know that he wouldn't be involved with me if there was anyway for them to be together and want it. But for some reason I still think will this always be an issue. Or will she meet someone one day and move on fully which will help my boyfriend let go of the responsibility he still seems to feel for her. He told me he likes to know she's OK.

Its abit complex but I am hoping others have been through similar.

No kids or marriage together so they have no obvious reasons to stay intouch.

She expressed some concerns about me being right for him and questioned him on other women he's friends with too. This was a few weeks ago. It caused abit of friction between us.

Did he tell you this? Because if he did, what a dick move from him.

Google relationship triangulation and see if any of it rings a bell.

I'm not saying he's a narcissist as that's a massively overused term that doesn't apply to that many people in reality, but doesn't this sound familiar? From medium.com/beautiful-hangover/this-is-what-narcissistic-triangulation-looks-like-a70b15fcac26

"Triangulation is common in romantic relationships, too. The narcissist brings in a third person — an ex-partner or a colleague at work — either literally or abstractly, to create insecurity and shift the power balance within the relationship towards themselves.
Perhaps they keep their ex in the relationship by making sure you know that their ex wants them back. Or they pay more attention to their hot colleague than you on the work night out. Triangulation can be subtle or blatant, but its aims are the same: keeping power with the narcissist.
Narcissists love to keep admirers close. It is how they keep their ego inflated. They want to give the impression that you are lucky to have landed them, at the same time as implying that you are replaceable."

Yep, I experienced similar and always felt second-best. I think it was a major factor in our break-up.

I'll look into it. He has alot of issues with loss. Grief from his parent dying too. Its a strange one. He does seem allover the place with her. Sometimes he talks about her really negatively. Other times she's a good friend. He had photos of her in his house when we met. Only took them down when we got physical with eaxhother.

What other things would suggest he's a narc. He does have an addictive personality and can be quite low sometimes. But mostly he's really invested in us. He does seem a drama queen with random women on his Facebook.

@Jellymelon

I'll look into it. He has alot of issues with loss. Grief from his parent dying too. Its a strange one. He does seem allover the place with her. Sometimes he talks about her really negatively. Other times she's a good friend. He had photos of her in his house when we met. Only took them down when we got physical with eaxhother.

What other things would suggest he's a narc. He does have an addictive personality and can be quite low sometimes. But mostly he's really invested in us. He does seem a drama queen with random women on his Facebook.

Sorry I wasn't suggesting he is an actual narcissist (as that's a personality disorder that is serious and often thrown about on here to describe people who are basically immature pricks a lot of the time) i more meant that his behaviour is very similar to triangulation as he's pitting you against her causing you to feel threatened and anxious. If his ex had concerns about your relationship, why on earth would he tell you such a hurtful thing instead of just telling her privately he's fine and happy and then not discussing it with you as it would clearly make you feel shit. That's what a nice, well adjusted person would do. Not report it back to you and then expect you not to have an issue with her. That's why you need to consider whether he wants you to have an issue with her for some reason - to make you feel insecure, in competition, that you have to try 'harder' etc.

He does seem a drama queen with random women on his Facebook.

How so?

He's older than me by 14 years. He regularly mentions other women getting the wrong idea. Can't go far without saying he was checked out or a mates girlfriend was inappropriate. His exes sister. His brothers ex. I've always been aware of this but figured he is just insecure and pretends he's wanted.

You are making me think now why does he do it.

Going with my gut I think he definitely carries strong feelings for his ex but does really like me. He's telling people about me. He's told his family I'm everything he wants. But he definitely likes me to know he's wanted elsewhere.

He's older than me by 14 years. He regularly mentions other women getting the wrong idea. Can't go far without saying he was checked out or a mates girlfriend was inappropriate. His exes sister. His brothers ex. I've always been aware of this but figured he is just insecure and pretends he's wanted.

Yeah, he's a prick.

You are making me think now why does he do it.

It's because he's a prick.

It's not that HE feels insecure, it's that he wants YOU to feel insecure.

This one isn't a keeper, I promise.

I'm guessing you're in your 20s and maybe haven't had that many relationships before him.

I'll get flamed for this but as someone else said on a thread today, there's a reason a certain type of man 40+ wants to date women 15 years their junior. It's not because they see them as their equals.

She is the blue eyed boy. She can do no wrong. If you argue with anything or say anything bad he will take her side.

As your relationship deepens he may ‘need’ her less and the balance may shift. I take it his parents are both dead and he has no siblings? She’s ‘family’ to him now. So he can’t lose her as then he’s alone and you two may not work out long term….

The whole situation is awkward.

My ex worked with his ex gf and the office junior. Just the three of them. Her business. The junior was part time. I have no idea what that was all about. People visiting the business thought they were a married couple. I felt like a spare prick at a wedding.

I thought it was weird as hell. They remained friends. Had keys to each other’s houses. Gave each other a phone to nip round and borrow a dvd Even when the other was out. Or take their both dogs a walk together.

All very weird. They were like siblings. Or a couple. I really didn’t like it at all. Made me uneasy. It was icky. She had a bf too. Didn’t apparently bother him, but then I never met him. I just felt like he was marking time with me until she, the one he really wanted, came to her senses and asked him out.

That and a few other things were too much for me and I walked.

His dad and brother are alive but no relationship with them. He was close to his mum..

That's exactly how this bond is described to me too. Like brother and sister. It is ick. He never used her name for ages just said my ex. But he went through a stage of calling her by her surname to Me as that's how he addressed her. Now she's his ex again.

He has high and low emotions around her. He's often suggested she was selfish and didn't truly love him etc. He has compared us in the way of saying I am much more loving than she was. I can see flaws in both of them when he talks about the past. I can't completely figure it all out. But it's been 3 years almost and you would think by now she would have moved on abit. She's late 30s. That said his cousin did say ages ago the ex had said it breaks her heart because everutime she stops he pulls her back in and needs her. So I feel like perhaps he does Poke her so she never completely goes, but often the contact is made by her and she does seem to also have some emotions towards him..

I just hope he's not seeing me as someone who's lovely but will never be as special to him as she was.

I try not to be jelous but I don't like how much he cares about her still. I do keep that feeling to myself. But inside I'm praying she finds someone soon and he has to let her go properly. I do feel he tries to be defensive sometimes as he tries so hard to act like she's irrelevant to him, but deep down it's obvious he can't let her truly go. Maybe it's not sexual but it's still not untangled enough really.

I guess time will tell but I don't think shes going anywhere

It's not just his ex he mentions though is it? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who constantly bangs on about how loads of women who he meets want him? It's manipulative, inappropriate and tbh just cringe!

OP you posted about this recently and most people told you straight that he was a wrongun. Didn’t he get caught messaging other woman and couldn’t deal with the ex having holidays. In other words he is controlling.

He is now messaging another woman, his ex. He is referencing other women. He is being controlling by not allowing you any agency in this matter. That’s his threat to split up if you don’t shut up. He’s a drinker, hence the low moods.

His family aren’t going to give objectivity about him. And they will be telling him that you are scratching around about his past.

You are looking for reassurance that he is a solid bloke. You aren’t finding it because he isn’t. The reason his ex has a negative view of you and him is because someone fed her that. Who do you think that was and why do you think that was.

It's not just his ex he mentions though is it? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who constantly bangs on about how loads of women who he meets want him? It's manipulative, inappropriate and tbh just cringe!

This^

Repeat ad nauseum for the next 19 pages.

I try not to be jelous but I don't like how much he cares about her still.

He wants you to be jealous.

I do keep that feeling to myself.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life like that if you stay with him ?

But inside I'm praying she finds someone soon and he has to let her go properly.

Why ? Sorry but that's insane. She should have been gone already. He should have dealt with his emotions before he started a new relationship.

I do feel he tries to be defensive sometimes

Pardon ? Does that not tell you all you need to know ?

as he tries so hard to act like she's irrelevant to him, but deep down it's obvious he can't let her truly go.

So, you need to work on yourself. There seems to be three of you in this relationship......

Maybe it's not sexual but it's still not untangled enough really.

You've just hit the nail on the head. He sounds too much like hard work. Oh and this 'team effort' bullshit from his family would get on my nerves.

There seems to be more emotional blackmail than love, respect and affection in your relationship.

Personally I don't like it when a partner is still on good terms with their ex. (Sometimes there are circumstances, I get that.) Rather sounds like they are on the back burner, ready to ignite again. As soon as they get the go ahead.

You/your relationship is far too full of angst because of:

Him
His ex
The way he makes you feel
The pretty much, 'coaching' you've had from his family (what's that about ?)

Where the joy, the excitement the future in this ?

All I'm hearing from you is:

But........but..........but

There's a recent thread about someone who is 22 years old and is contemplating a marriage to a man aged 37. They were canvassing opinions on MN about the age gap.

The answers were pretty much unanimous i.e. don't do it, the age imbalance will deal to the relationship ultimately. However, she knew best of course.

Time to call it a day OP.

He’s always going to compare you against her as she’s still his ideal woman but he’s quite like it if she had a few of your traits. But it’s not you he really wants.

If you and she were in a burning building and he could only pull one of you out, who would it be?

You know the answer. Sorry OP. This isn’t going to get any better. You’ll always be number 2. You deserve to be no 1.

He sounds ghastly.