Long standing toxic mother daughter relationship

[Postivevibe]

Good afternoon all,

I have just had a phone call saying my mum has been diagnosed with liver cancer. We have not spoken in years.

To cut a long story short I have tried many times to let my mum back in my life. For it all to blow up in mine and my now grown up children’s faces. We have all been hurt by her many times.

To be honest I never thought I’d be affected by news like this about her. But I am. It’s hurting. How can I hurt over the thought of loss over something I’ve never really had.

My sister is in bits and we are very close. I live over 300 miles away from my mum & sister. Part of me wants to try one last time to have mum in my life. But I’m so worried it will just blow up in my face again.

My mum didn’t go to her mum or dads funerals. I was disgusted by this. I really don’t want to be like her. I have longed for a half decent relationship since I was a teenager. I don’t know what to do for the best. I’ve always said if she was to become ill I wouldn’t go running. But I’m a caring person and it feels so unnatural.

Anyone’s thoughts on this mess would be greatly appreciated ❤️

I am very struck by the fact that your mother didn't go to her parents' funerals. It sounds like some sort of generational pattern is playing out. Was her relationship with them similar to yours with her? I am sorry about this, NC or not, it must be a time of great emotional flux.

Are you grieving the relationship you wish you'd had with her?
While she's still there, even far away, you can have that little sliver of hope that just maybe, one day, it will be "right" between you, but this call has brought it home that it might never happen.
Give yourself time to process your feelings, and be kind to yourself. It's a hard thing to even think about, and has come out of the blue.

My Nan & grandad were lovely people who the whole family adored. They had a difficult time with my mum. They probably made some decisions that hurt my mum (example: putting her in a naughty kids home as a teenager). But it's what social services advised back in the day! But they and the rest of my family have had an extremely trouble life where my mum is concerned.

I have tried to empathise with them AND my mum over the years. But myself and my kids kept getting hurt. Physically and mentally.

I have made a conscious effort to be totally different than my mum has been, with my kids.

Basically everyone in my mums life ends up having to walk away because of the turmoil it causes. It's so sad to think that all the people in the world who cares for her has had to walk away, for their own sanity!

Pombear,

Yes I am definitely grieving the loss of what I've never had. Maybe this has hit home it may never happen now.

I always said last time she squared up to me in my sisters house that I would never subject myself to that again. I would never ask my kids to "give her one last chance".

But here I am contemplating speaking to her.

If you do speak with her , keep your expectations low. Go and say something that you will be happy having said once she has gone.

It sounds like she was very troubled from a young age and it's sad she has lost so many people from her life, all by her own doing. Its probably easier for her to continue blame everyone else for circumstances than look closely at herself.

Mind yourself, op. It sounds like your have tried very hard to have a relationship with her

Does your mum want to see you?

Tomseleck,

She has told my sister in the past she regrets how she behaved towards myself and one of my adult kids last time she saw us. So I'm presuming she would want to see me. But I'm not 100%