Am I overreacting - child's dad doesn't know when their birthday is

[Rosequartz7]

I don't know how to feel at all!
Ex P (split when child a baby) awful to me, a shit dad when child younger, child refused to see him so hasn't for about 6 years (their mental health has steadily improved since), Ex done nothing over the years to mend this, except send me horrible messages about what a moral and parental failure I am for not doing what he wants and piss me around with maintenance to the point I had to get CMS to take it out his wages.
Still everything is all my fault of course, despite his behaviour toward us both. Whatever.

For years I've suspected he doesn't actually know when DC's bday is (despite being at the actual birth) , never get a card on the actual bday just a random (never an actual birthday design) one around that time.

DC bday has been and gone and we didnt hear anything (used to this).

He's messaged this morn for the first time in years asking me to tell DC happy birthday from him and when can he call them to wish them happy birthday today.

I honestly don't know what to reply. I've been trying to think of something all day but can't find any words. I have to send something or I'll get shit for "not encouraging DC to be in contact with him" and the accusations will start again. DC has confirmed they do not want to speak to him, "like, ever again".
Tbh I'm fucking fuming. Is this an overreaction? What do I even say to someone that doesn't know when their own childs bday is? I have no idea! I need some perspective. Help!

You’re not together, he has no involvement with your child and yet you still feel you need to walk on eggshells and try your best not to anger him. Don’t reply. At all. What is it you hope to gain by replying to him? What if he gets angry? His feeling and actions are not your responsibility.

I always have to politely decline in a way that doesn't start the nastiness and accusations of being a horrendous parent and a terrible human being because I respect (and completely understand!) my child's position.

Well, no you don't have to. If you tell him the truth in a direct way, eg "Timmy doesn't want to speak to you because he is upset that you did not call on his actual birthday" and he starts up with accusations and nastiness that you know perfectly well are lies to deflect his own feelings of shame about being a shit dad, you can again tell him the truth in a direct way.

"Joe, you can make up all the excuses you like but we both know it's your own fault you forgot Timmy's birthday. I'm not prepared to be abused for your own mistakes. I'm happy to be the go-between for your communication when you can speak to me with respect and own your own mistakes. Otherwise please send a card or present, and don't involve me in it."

Then simply ignore the abusive messages and respond to polite ones. It's like training a dog.

My uncle never knew my cousin’s bdays or ages, I know how it is with ex’s though everything is magnetised.

I would ask you child if they want to speak to him. I wouldn’t bother correcting the date, sounds like your child has the measure of him.

As mentioned above, I can confirm that many fathers don’t know the children’s birthdays. All otherwise perfectly competent parents. I eventually concluded that it’s something about the way their brain works.

I can’t comment about modern man with a fully functional mobile phone always at hand.

Then simply ignore the abusive messages and respond to polite ones. It's like training a dog.
This approach has actually worked over the years, I need to make sure I stick to it. I used to respond to it all. He'd go through and respond to every line and pick it all apart in ridiculously lengthy emails )which must have taken him hours), detailing why I was so awful and ignorant etc.
One day I just thought 'fuck this' and stopped replying. Took the wind out of his sails.
Ultimately he's just a shit dad. DC is adamant they never want to see or speak to him again, which I totally understand given his awful behaviour over the years.

He refuses to accept this but reading some of the comments on this thread has helped me remember that this is not my problem. I think it just distresses me cause my kid is my absolute priority and we're so close, and I can't imagine how people are so shit to children. But I guess they are.

I can't imagine how people are so shit to children. But I guess they are.

Yeah, it's pretty easy to fall into the trap of denying reality when it means accepting that someone you once loved and trusted is actually a fundamentally uncaring and unreliable person. It involves the uncomfortable acknowledgment that your own discernment skills let you down in the past, and that now has consequences for your kids.

It sounds like your kids know they are worthy of being treated with respect, have a pretty honest view of who he really is, and are capable of putting up their own healthy boundaries by refusing to engage with him when he disrespects them.

You should do yourself the same favour. If he wants access to your attention, he needs to engage with you respectfully. If he doesn't, the simple consequence of his own choices is that he is not rewarded with your attention, because you are not obliged to provide it.

The best thing I ever read about good boundaries is that they are a beautiful offer.

"When you treat me with respect, I am happy to have a relationship with you." You don't even need to add "When you don't, I am not" as it is inherent in the initial offer.

That boundary should be the starting point for every relationship you ever have. If someone cannot meet that incredibly fundamental criterion, they forfeit the opportunity to have any relationship with you.

@ImInStealthMode

Not excusing this guy as he sounds like a prize twat all round, but I can confirm after decades of working in a job where I need to take dates of birth as a matter of course that he is definitely not alone in being a Dad who doesn't know his kids DOB off the top of his head (and many of these are present and involved family Men).

The problem gets worse exponentially with amount of children they have.

Second this. Everyday I ask male customers to confirm children or partners DOB and I'd say 80% of the time they have no clue. To the point where if it's a male calling, I tend to ask a different security question instead to avoid awkwardly telling them they've failed the security checks.

My exh messaged me after we separated to ask when our youngest DS’s birthday was as he couldn’t remember. We only have 2 DC’s and the only reason he remembers the other DS’s birthday is because it’s the same day as his. I was furious at the time, now nothing surprises me.

I don’t get why you’re still in contact if your child wants nothing to do with him. Is he still controlling you?? I would block and move on.