Shall I tell friends mutual friend raped me? (TW)

[TellingFriends]

NC for this.

This was a number of years ago, I tried to talk to them at the time but they didn’t believe me / didn’t want to believe me. I also minimised it, blamed myself and when none of my friends took it seriously I subsequently tried to pretend it hadn’t happened, even to myself. This worked for a while and I managed not to think about it, then it all resurfaced when he started dating one of my closest friends and I was expected to invite him to events such as my wedding / birthdays etc.

I have since had therapy and attended a group for survivors of sexual violence and understand that what happened was definitely rape and in fact pretty violent and premeditated rape.

I avoid the man who did it as much as possible. Thankfully he is no longer dating my friend (I found that hard to bear) but he is still in my friendship group and good friends with some of my closest friends. Some of them are even going on holiday together with him soon. As far as I know they have all forgotten about the incident between me and him as they invited me to come on the holiday too.

Every time I hear his name I feel physically sick. I still have nightmares about what happened. I have severe anxiety, panic attacks and flashbacks. My friends are all completely oblivious.

Shall I tell them and risk dragging it all up? Risk losing my friendships?

I know they care about me and sometimes i think they would be horrified to know what he has put me through but other times I remember they think he’s this great guy and would happily choose him over me and then I would be left with nobody.

Anyone been through similar?

It's a common survival response, to play down what happened and avoid angering the attacker. Understandable.

What a horrible situation. Your friends should realise that women often stay married to men who rape them. They celebrate birthdays and anniversaries and have their children. It's all so complicated - the trauma goes so deep. It's the cognitive dissonance - on the one hand you thought of this man as a friend and someone you could trust. On the other hand you were asked to see him as a rapist - someone who would punch you in the face while raping you. Getting to grips with those two conflicting things is an absolute mind-fuck, both for you and for your friends.

Tbh I wouldn't want to be anywhere near him, so if that meant I couldn't be near them, then that's what I'd have to do. I think I'd write it down, exactly what happened, and I'd give it to the person I was closest to.

Have you thought of going to the police, even though it was so much later?

Have you thought of going to the police, even though it was so much later?

I have thought about it but it actually happened outside of the UK (we were living abroad for a year) and the thought of navigating a foreign criminal justice system was too daunting.

I should also mention that he has a long term girlfriend now who I haven't spoken to much for obvious reasons but she seems nice. A lot of my friends REALLY like her and are very close to her which further complicates things.

People are complicated. Sadly I think many men don't recognise how abusive their behaviour was- I'm a nice guy, I don't do abusive stuff, if I did it it wasn't abusive etc.

What a truly awful situation to be in, I really feel for you and I agree it's complicated by the friendship ties in the group. I think your idea of confiding in one person you trust is a very good start. Take it slowly and please protect yourself. I really hope this friend listens and is compassionate and understands what you've been through.

@picklemewalnuts

It's a common survival response, to play down what happened and avoid angering the attacker. Understandable.

I went on another date with my rapist. It makes no sense but I think I was trying to pretend it hadn't happened. I think it's quite common you react like this. It took a friend to use the word rape weeks later, even though I'd been crying and saying no, my brain refused to name what had happened.

@TellingFriends

Have you thought of going to the police, even though it was so much later?

I have thought about it but it actually happened outside of the UK (we were living abroad for a year) and the thought of navigating a foreign criminal justice system was too daunting.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

FWIW, having been through the UK police process for this I think you made the right decision not to report. It is not a healing process for victims whatsoever.

As for your friends, the ones who didn't believe you are sadly unlikely to have changed. For many people it is not about truth, it is about what they want to believe and are most comfortable believing. If they believe this it makes the world feel less safe for them, simply. Some will have a similar shocked disbelief like you did initially. Some will have a very distorted or absent understanding of rape and trauma so won't be able to compute this.

You shouldn't have to keep this secret, but equally the reality is that telling everyone won't bring the cathartic justice or closure you're seeking. There won't be a mass vindication for you. Nothing really does I'm afraid.

I would focus on the friendships without him and removing him from your social circle. I realise that will probably involve pain for you and feel unjust that it might be you losing friendships not him, but if you are hoping they would all eject him from your collective social group if only they knew - that doesn't even happen after a man has been convicted.

Whether or not people believe you has very, very little to do with you or the truth - it is about them, their beliefs, their cultural conditioning, their weaknesses. Not you. It doesn't change what really happened to your or your understanding of it.

To me, I believe you. None of your behaviour changes that for me, I understand all the complex reasons why you talked to him afterwards or weren't quite sure yourself at first. It's normal. I also understand why people use those things to deny the truth and why that would hurt you and leave you doubting yourself all over again. I still believe you.

I am very sorry you're going through this and I hope your healing continues to progress in the weeks and months to come.

I’m so sorry you went through that op and that you have to suffer seeing him still.

I hope your friend is supportive and you feel better for having shared, maybe write down what you plan to say in case you become overwhelmed when you talk about it you’ll have something to keep you going.

I went on another date with my rapist. It makes no sense but I think I was trying to pretend it hadn't happened. I think it's quite common you react like this. It took a friend to use the word rape weeks later, even though I'd been crying and saying no, my brain refused to name what had happened.

I've quoted your whole paragraph as I don't want you to feel I'm lifting or responding to things out of context.

I just wanted to say it makes total sense to me. It was a way to protect yourself from the reality of what had happened until you were safe enough and strong enough to face it. When you had your friend to help you and carry some of it with you.

It's like, if you keep dating him then not only did the awful thing not happen, but maybe you can overwrite it with a good thing and feel that you're in control again.

The reality of rape and trauma are nothing like we see in the media or are taught by our schools and families.

I don’t think you should mention it again. I feel terrible for you and I don’t condone his actions but it might
Backfire and bring you more
Trauma. I think I would look for new friendships instead x

What would happen if you write down what happened, shared it with a friend, and you both met with him to confront him about it? Would you seek and want apology and a clear placement of blame onto him?
Would that help to resolve things for you?

Do tell your girlfriends. It might help you.
I was molested by the father of one of my best friends aged 22. At the time I told a trusted person in authority and my three girlfriends who also went to the house. They believed me and agreed to be wary around him but not tell the guys daughter to protect her. One of the mutual friends told me about a similar experience . They no longer put me in situations where I might run into him.

I finally told his daughter what happened 15 years later when she told me what a horrible person he was being towards her family. It allowed her to go low contact without guilt as she then had a daughter to protect.

Something similar happened to me. Raped by an ex-boyfriend who had remained a friend and pet of my social circle. I was pretty badly beaten at the same time.

I went into denial for a bit. Saw him a couple of other times within the friendship group.

A few months later he was showing an interest in a friend of mine. Something inside me snapped awake and I warned her. She didn’t believe me.

Around the same time I disclosed to a mutual friend. She didn’t believe me.

Both of them then told him. I received a very angry and threatening series of voice and text messages.

What was particularly galling was that I had supported both these friends through their own difficulties with previous sexual assaults (both rape and childhood sexual abuse).

One basically said she thought he was quite a useful person to know and that was a consideration.

I distanced myself from the whole group. This was pretty easy as I’d just relocated for a job. The two female friends then moved in together as flat mates. I had introduced them and I felt very shut out.

One of the female friends got a touch a few months later trying to rekindle the friendship. I said I’d think about it but for back to her about a week later and said no, it would be too damaging to continue a friendship. The rage she then directed at me was deeply shocking.

It is very difficult to move on int hat way and cut ties. My life is better for having done it, but it has been a struggle at times.

What I would say is that, anyone who sided with a rapist over you is not your friend. You won’t be losing any friends over this if you do decide to cut them out. They will be, but you won’t.

See how it goes to tell your friend tonight. ‘my
Mental health never really recovered from his raping me years ago, it’s so hard when he’s around and everyone’s friends with him. And now I’m invited on holiday and I just can’t do that - I can’t think about him without remembering him hitting me in the face. I can’t reconcile everyone thinking he’s a great guy when I remember so clearly what he did. He’s not a great guy, he’s a violent rapist.’

I did end up telling my friend last night. Feeling quite shaken up about it today as saying it all out loud was difficult but I'm glad I did tell her. She was horrified, apologetic and very shocked.

She didn't say too much, just let me speak, but when she did talk she kept saying, 'oh my God, I'm so so sorry I wasn't there for you at the time.'

She said it wasn't that she didn't believe me at the time, she just thought I had misinterpreted the situation. We agreed that it was unbelievable that he would do that, but he did do it.

Feeling quite vulnerable and exposed that she knows everything but I'm glad she does. What she does with the information is her decision I suppose.

That was very brave of you. I'm glad she finally understands what happened to you.

Do you think you can now tell the rest of them, or could you ask this friend to. I think it needs to be made clear to them all that if they want to continue being friends with him, then you will drop contact with them. I know you don't want to lose them, but the current situation is more damaging for you. And it seems that now you are able to tell the full story, they are likely to support you.

You are so brave OP.
Well done.
You have told the truth and if this person is decent, she will not want to be around him again.

If not, that is 100%completely on HER.

OP, in my opinion this is NEVER a once off.
Scum like him are opportunistic and he has done that before and since.

I cannot tell you how valuable this information is to the police.
This is not about you pressing charges but about giving them his name so that they build up a picture of him should someone else come forward or adding to an existing picture.

When a woman decides to press charges, to hear that he is known to police or on their radar can give strength.

You are so brave.
Perhaps it is something that you might consider to take back your power in such a horrific situation.

You are so brave to have told your friend, she hopefully will tell others.

The arrogance of him is nauseating.

Such arrogance is confirmation that he feels invincible.

He is a very dangerous man, he needs reporting.

I certainly don't mean to upset you in any way by what I have written above.

Just something to consider.
If you were my daughter I would absolutely 100% respect your decision to press charges but I would encourage you to speak to the police if you could.

keep posting, we are hear for you.

You are so brave for telling your friend and well done her for listening and being supportive.

Almost exactly the same thing happened to me - the whole drugs scenario, being abroad, minimising it, seeing him with other women and as a father. Knowing his lovely mother in law.

I've removed myself from the group. I cannot visit the city where it happened even though I spent years visiting friends and family there. My ex h's reaction to my trauma was a major reason for my divorce.

I am open to my children and my adult friends about what happened. But I still experience pushback, an unwillingness to engage or listen. I know to be careful with who I tell and when, because it is retraumatising and a massive energy sap. For various reasons, MeToo and other personal issues, I have spent most days since MeToo thinking about what happened and journaling / seeking therapy / ways to move beyond it. With time, I will find closure again. When it happened and I was younger, my 'closure' came through hiding it.

I have no idea whether or not going to the police is even worth it. Just put yourself first and remember that you're not alone

Thank you everyone.

BelladiMamma I could have written you post. I am so sorry you are going through this too. I have been back to the place it happened and I was okay at the time but the thought of going there now makes me shudder.

It is weird how the brain can completely shut off distressing thoughts and memories in order to cope.

For me, watching the series 'I May Destroy You' and my friends planning a holiday with him triggered the feelings, and the more I have let myself think about what happened, the more I have realised just how wrong it was.

The friend I told yesterday isn't going on the holiday. Pretty much all my other close friends are. If I do tell them I don't think I can say anything until after the holiday. It's all booked and paid for. It would be a bit of a bombshell to drop on them the week before they are due to go.

@TellingFriends

Thank you everyone.

BelladiMamma I could have written you post. I am so sorry you are going through this too. I have been back to the place it happened and I was okay at the time but the thought of going there now makes me shudder.

It is weird how the brain can completely shut off distressing thoughts and memories in order to cope.

For me, watching the series 'I May Destroy You' and my friends planning a holiday with him triggered the feelings, and the more I have let myself think about what happened, the more I have realised just how wrong it was.

The friend I told yesterday isn't going on the holiday. Pretty much all my other close friends are. If I do tell them I don't think I can say anything until after the holiday. It's all booked and paid for. It would be a bit of a bombshell to drop on them the week before they are due to go.

'I May Destroy You' was an amazing moment for me. I'd already been retraumatised by MeToo and actually to see a woman grab back that narrative and stuff it down the throat of mainstream thinking about rape was quite frankly, amazing.

Maybe not helpful to you, but some of my journaling has been writing things from the POV of the perpetrator. I've just had to see everything from every angle. It was really helpful to me to see how selfish and uncaring he was, and as a PP said, that he's probably done it again. Not that it's a good thing, it was a perspective thing.

Anyway. Don't carry the burden alone, just remember that you have good people around you who understand. Just tread carefully from now on. And just cut those people out of your life. If you need closure to do it, figure out what that closure is but make sure you're not taking too much on. Be good to yourself.

Gosh, how brave Tellingfriends.Well done.

If nothing else happens, this will still have been helpful. There is something freeing about telling someone- it defies the shame and fear that says we have to keep quiet about these things.

We are right to fear other people's reactions, but should not feel shame. Still, we do.

@TellingFriends, you were very brave, and I hope it helps you. It seems like you did the right thing for you.

My case was different, but as per previous advice, I did write down what happened and gave that to BF to read, so he could understand what had happened to me. I was too difficult me for to talk through it. He could read it, process it, and ask any questions he had based on that.

As people above mention, I'd expect some people won't believe you. That is the sad reality, and don't be under any illusions about that. I was initially surprised at the reaction from some female friends, but now I see that is normal too.

I also think you had done your friends a big favour too.

This happened to me. Though no violence.
It took me 15 years to tell anyone and I totally backed away from the friendship group.
What I would say, is that the people I told in the group did believe me. I mean why would I make that up 15 years later
But, he’s not really in the group anymore which is why I came back to it. If they were still really close I’m not sure about their reaction.
It’s a tough one. I’m not sure people will cut him out. Not in a group scenario.
But they might distance themselves from him, it might take years, but they might be a bit more aware of him iyswim.

Have you ever done Clare’s law on him?

It's weird because if this guy was a paedophile he would likely be ostracised by the whole group and dumped by his girlfriend.

Personally I think it should be the same for a violent rapist yet I suspect thats not the case.

I agree with the PP who said you are being retraumatised after the event and it feels really unjust.