Need Advice

[FirstTimeDad111]

First time posting so go easy on me !!

Needing advice from a woman/mother’s point of view.

So I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 9 months. She has 2 boys and is now pregnant with my child. Her 2 boys have 2 different fathers. One is fantastic with their son, sees him 3 times a week, pays his way, everything a father should do. The other father, not so much !! He goes literally months without seeing/speaking to his son, didn’t pay any money until I told my girlfriend to chase him up. He is self employed, he’s doing jobs off the books and claiming benefits so when it comes to paying his way he’s only paying £7 a week and even then he’s still trying to fight paying that !! The problem is

1. He’s goes months without seeing his son then as soon as he wants to see him my girlfriend let’s him as if nothing has happened. Would you be the same ?
2. I’m worried if any financial burden falls back on me considering we are thinking of moving in together. I don’t mind paying my way but why should I pay for someone else’s child when my girlfriend isn’t being strict enough on the child’s dad. I’m also not wanting it to effect my new born baby’s quality of life when he/she arrives.

I’ve not had a proper discussion with my gf about this but it’s bugging me. Need advice on how to proceed thanks

Be father no 3 then and don't move in together. If you're a blended family you have to take on some responsibility for the other children, when they go to uni, it's the household income they use to determine funding for eg.

Did you not discuss this before impregnating your GF with her third child?

Consider why your gf is doing this. It might be because she’s putting her child’s interests ahead of her own - and certainly yours.

I imagine you’d like her to do the same for your child.

I don’t think you’ve quite grasped the undertaking of a blended family.

I want to move in with her though. She’s a fantastic person and mother. I will end up paying the majority of the household bills which I don’t mind. I already pay to take the children out, groceries and stuff in general but why should I be paying more than I should when the childs father is grudging even paying £7 a week ?

I want the child to see his father it breaks his heart when he doesn’t see him but it’s no good for him to come in and out of his life constantly. I know that my gf struggles financially while he’s making £500/£600 a week off the books and paying peanuts. The child wasn’t planned with me and my gf

The boy will be your baby’s half-brother.

You’ve chosen this.

Again, I don’t think you’ve grasped the undertaking of a blended family.

It sound as though you are ready to move in. If you do, you will be a step dad, which involves some financial commitment to the whole family. There's nothing that she can do to change the situation. She's trying to foster a relationship between them, probably with the hope that he will then provide better. It sounds as though you already resent the child.

Well, what’s the other option?

Let this child have cheaper clothes than his siblings? Miss out on trips that his siblings go on? Feed him less expensive food?

Ultimately, your gf cannot force this water of a dad to pay up. Withholding the child’s access to his dad in order to force money out of dad is just cruel to the child.

So, two dads contribute, one dad doesn’t. Are you going to sit and allow one of your child’s siblings to have a lesser quality of life, through no fault of his own? Like some sort of cinderella sibling? Your gf isn’t willing to see one child miss out, and good on her.

You have to think of the children first in these situations.

@Wandafishcake

Well, what’s the other option?

Let this child have cheaper clothes than his siblings? Miss out on trips that his siblings go on? Feed him less expensive food?

Ultimately, your gf cannot force this water of a dad to pay up. Withholding the child’s access to his dad in order to force money out of dad is just cruel to the child.

So, two dads contribute, one dad doesn’t. Are you going to sit and allow one of your child’s siblings to have a lesser quality of life, through no fault of his own? Like some sort of cinderella sibling? Your gf isn’t willing to see one child miss out, and good on her.

You have to think of the children first in these situations.

This PP said it perfectly.

Stop blaming your girlfriend, she's not at fault here at all.
Read any of the child maintenance threads on here, there is no way to force someone who doesn't want to pay maintenance do it. Especially if they are working cash in hand.
He already goes months without seeing the child. If he refused access because he's not paying enough. He won't care, it will be no skin of his nose. The only person who will lose out is that child. Especially if his dad pulls the your mother wouldn't let me see you card. The poor kid will realise soon enough his father doesn't care about him. And that's so hard on him, and it's something he will never get over for his whole life. He have to watch his siblings have loving relationships with their dads and he'll think it was because he wasn't good enough. It's a hell of a burden for a child to carry.
Honestly if you can't step up to treat him like your own. Walk away

What do you suggest she does?

If he’s paying what the CMS say then there’s literally nothing she can do. Have a read about how difficult it is to get maintenance out of self employed folks before judging.

As for letting him see his son - she’s putting her child first.

Don’t move in with her. You don’t sound like you can handle her circumstances and if you’re going to start grudging one of the children things it’ll show quickly.

If you spend a little while reading threads here on this board you'll come across plenty of mums who are endeavouring to get adequate child support for their children from fathers who don't wish to pay, and also mothers who are trying to protect their children from abusive fathers but are legally obliged to ensure regular contact.

It's a farce.

What more do you expect your gf to do? If her ex is committing fraud what is she supposed to do about it? Bear in mind her actions will be driven by whatever is best for her child, regardless of her (or your) personal feelings.

If you're moving in with her presumably you're in for the long haul and foresee a committed future? If so, then you will for all intents and purposes be a second father to her sons simply by nature of being the 2nd parent and authority figure in the household and by contributing financially to household and family expenses.

When joining a family to create an existing family, you need to be sensitive to existing relationships. The best advice I can give you is to step up and treat her sons in the same way you would wish your child be treated should the situation be reversed.

Ultimately, there's not much, if anything you can do about this ex who doesn't bother with his son. You either accept this child as part of your family or you don't. I'm not saying it's easy, blended families are difficult to get right for a reason, but remember the child is innocent in this.

Your own child isn't likely to miss out in anything materially significant in this scenario and you will all benefit from a harmonious family set up however finances are divided.

Of course you need to assess finances and no one is judging you fir that but be sure you don't alienate this boy. It'll be a huge adjustment for both of them having you and a new sibling in their lives.

If the ex cannot be made through the csa to contribute properly then really all it cones down to is can you afford your new family and are you prepared to accept them as whole?

Don't commit before you're sure because it's not just your heart you're risking- there are 3 innocent children in this too.

Take it slow.

GF is right not to stand in the way of contact. Financial situation is separate.

The MOST important thing here is the children. If you are committing to your GF then you are to her DC too. Step Parents can have a massive effect on their SDCs self esteem - please think about this as much as you can. You sound like you can see how upset the DC is about their dad. You can help that by being a committed and caring step father. Don’t let the injustice of the adult situation get in the way of your relationship with your SDC. Yes it’s unfair. Yes the dad is a dick. But the most helpful thing you can do is put that to one side and focus on the DC.

Please please try to avoid the injustice seeping into your relationship with DSC. don’t underestimate the importance you will have in his life.

If you and your GF decide to discuss the need for the dad to make a more regular commitment to his son or to pay more then please keep those discussions just between the adults and not in ear shot of the kids. Your DSC probably already feels unworthy and unloved by his dad. You can’t replace his dad but you can build your relationship and that can help a lot. Your commitment to these children should be paramount and lasting even if your marriage doesn’t last (sorry to be blunt - no reflection on your situation- just that marriages do break down).

Good luck.

My DD's dad is not great. He pays nothing (he's a mature student - no income) and is flaky about when he sees DD.

I had a boyfriend for a few years and it's the only thing we ever argued about. He felt resentful that our plans were often changed or cancelled because of Ex being unreliable. He said I was too soft on him.

I would try to explain that I have had years of this before now, that I have learned that he isn't going to change, I have to make it all OK for DD (and that involves not having big rows with her father) and if I get angry and upset it is me who suffers. I am resigned to it, as that's the healthiest way for me to deal with it.

I am not sure what 'getting tough with him' would look like. Being less civil? Refusing contact? How does any of that help DD? She is my priority.

If this is going to work, you too will have to find a way of being a peace with your GF's DS's Dad being useless - without feeling resentful about it. If you can't, don't move in.

Reading your comments makes me think that your gf may end up as a single parent to 3.

I don't at all think your gf should allow you to move in. You aren't ready for the wholesale commitment to all three children.

This is none of your business and your gf should tell you so!

If you move in with her then you have to be a parent to all 3, in every way, especially if they're young. If there is going to be resentment etc then don't move in with her.

I think your gf is putting her little boy first. The dad sounds like an absolute nobhead. Youve said yourself how disappointed the lad is when his dad doesnt show up. How can she deny him seeing his dad. Yes its not ideal but it is what it is. I imagine he compares himself to his brother all the time and feels shit wondering why his own dad doesnt treat him that way. Poor kid. You need to draw a line under that and if your going to move in and become their step dad you need to love them as much as your own little one. That little lad needs you to be a great role model for him not bickering with mum/showing bad feeling when nob head eventually turns up.