To leave for lack of lust?

[Anothermothernamegame]

I've name changed for this as I'm actually quite ashamed and embarrassed. But I'm also sad and feeling quite upset, and actually have no idea what to do, would really appreciate advice.

In a nutshell, I have zero lust towards my DH at all. I could never have sex with him again and I wouldn't miss it. I enjoy holding his hand, cuddling him, watching telly and snuggling up to him like that, but honestly - proper kissing, foreplay of any kind, and sex is something I just don't want with him.

I'd convinced myself that it was just how it was after having kids (we've 2 under 5), or that maybe I don't have much of a sex drive or whatever else (familiarity, comfortability etc).

But I recently bumped into an ex casual partner when I was out with friends and although nothing happened, it lit a fire inside me that I didn't even know was still there. I felt like I could have had sex with him 10x over and still wanted more.
It's not that this is even about that person, or anyone else in particular, it's that it has made me realise that I am a sexual person (before I met DH I was a lot more sexual), and that I'm not too tired, or have a low libido.

I know the normal response to this will likely be that if I felt like that with DH once then I could get it back, but if truth be told, I never felt like that with DH.

When we met I was so eager for a relationship, to settle down, live the conventional life, have kids, buy a house etc. DH was funny, kind, reliable, considerate, caring etc, and that is what made me fall in love with him. The lack of lust just wasn't an issue then, and although I didn't particularly want to jump his bones all the time, I accepted that it was the one flaw in our relationship as everything else was there (security, comfort, companionship).

Essentially I'd been kind of living a lie, but not intentionally. I'd been lying to myself that everything was perfect and it didn't matter.

But now something has clicked inside my head and I can't not see the issue - I do not fancy my own DH. I feel awful about it, embarrassed,ashamed, devastated to be honest.

It's not that I want to go and rekindle things with the ex partner (he's now married with kids himself anyway), and I am not thinking of having an affair or anything, before anyone thinks I'm just being greedy or trying to have my cake and eat it too.

I'm genuinely confused. When I think of my future (the kids growing up, me getting older etc) then I picture DH by my side. But I can't just not enjoy my sexuality and sex on the whole, for the rest of my life (I'm in my 30s).

Has anyone been in this situation before? What would you do? I could leave DH and have a fulfilling sex life, but be so lonely in other ways. But I also cannot ignore primal desires to be satisfied and in a fulfilling sexual relationship.

I also don't even know how I'd broach this conversation with DH, or if I did want to end things how I could even articulate why. What would people think?!

I'm so stuck and sad. Please help!

I have no advice because I'm in the exact same position. Word for word

2 kids under 5.

I'm not even going to write it out because everything you wrote is the same for me.

I fancy the pants off my dh too but there is no lust. Never has been.

Same here. And I did have a brief casual affair, which I feel guilty about but has made me realise there’s more to life than this.

noirdreams

Sorry you're in the same boat. How long have you felt like that? What do you think you'll do? You say you fancy the pants off your DH but no lust. I see fancying and lust as pretty much the same thing, so don't relate to your post in that sense, but it sounds like you're feeling similarly to me so I empathise with how confusing it is feeling like this.
What are your plans?

Brieeeeeeeeeeee

Thanks so much for sharing that. Again, what do you think you'll do? I don't want to end up in my 60s realising I've wasted my best years by settling. It's not fair to DH either, he should be with someone who lists after him too.

lusts not lists

I was in your husband’s position in my 30’s, (my Wife had an affair, told me she didn’t want to have sex with me anymore)
Looking back, she did me a favour, we split and went our own ways.
Not saying you should have an affair, but you need to tell your husband how you are feeling and go from there.., you well end up splitting up , but how you are currently living is not fair on either of you.

That's a really difficult position to be in, and honestly, I'm not sure what I'd do in your position.

I can relate a bit because I don't fancy my dh anymore, but the difference is that I did when we were 1st together and I really enjoyed our sex life and I had a very high sex drive with really good dreams, etc, lol.

I'm in my late 40s now and my libido has just disappeared over the last 5 years to the point that it's now completely non-existent.

It doesn't help that my dh's weight has increased by 70%, which, although hard to admit, I don't find attractive in the slightest.

I don't know if it's me, eg, hormonal, psychological or physical (or all) or if it's just towards him.

I think it's me as I'm no longer interested in raunchy books and don't dream anymore, but it's really confusing.
I want help, but don't know where to start.

I would worry that if he's pretty perfect in all other ways and you leave, you may still never find 'the one' and so you're in a (possibly) worse position than before.
Who knows though!?

@JustAnother0ldMan

I was in your husband’s position in my 30’s, (my Wife had an affair, told me she didn’t want to have sex with me anymore) Looking back, she did me a favour, we split and went our own ways. Not saying you should have an affair, but you need to tell your husband how you are feeling and go from there.., you well end up splitting up , but how you are currently living is not fair on either of you.

Thanks for that insight, I appreciate it.

Did you have children ? What did you think about your wife saying that? Did you think she was selfish to put her sexual needs ahead of a commited relationship? Did you both go on to meet new people and get a fulfilling loving AND sexual relationship?

How does your husband feel? Does he initiate often? I felt the same and my ex had an affair. With hindsight I realize my low libido was really just resentment that he thought his work absolved him from home responsibilities, he often had bad breath, initiated sex late at night with no conversation or lead up….I was never crazy for him sexually, but it got so that the idea of sex made me cringe. If you enjoy your partner in other ways I would at least try to work on things. Lust fades

@Anothermothernamegame
Hi, no we didn’t have any children so that wasn’t an issue.
My wife choose to have an affair with a work colleague, rather than having sex with me (never really got a reason for this), I was devastated at the time, but it was obvious something was wrong, no sex for the last 2 years of our marriage (and I was willing and able..),
I had no idea what she did after we split (and didn’t really care TBH, but that was 15 odd years ago)
I went to meet other people (and have lots of sex), some relationships better than others, I’ve not remarried and probably won’t now, but saying that she is very nice..

The thing to remember is what you feel now will change in time, splitting is awful at the time, but time will pass and you will feel different

I’ve not remarried and probably won’t now, but saying that I have recently met someone new and she is very nice..

Just to add context I’m 51 now

I think it’s very hard living an inauthentic life. It eats you up and is a problem and I feel like eventually the truth will out. But I wish it wouldn’t. I feel like saying you’ve made your bed so sleep with your husband in it! How is it fair to him to be married to someone who never wanted to sleep with him and will deny him a sex life now? How is it fair to him and your kids if you leave know when you did all this knowing it wasn’t right from the beginning?
Can’t you work on something with him then explore your sexual side by yourself if you need to?
But alas I think the truth will out and it won’t be pretty. I would be careful about being truly honest with DH, I don’t see what purpose it would serve but to hurt him. If you end up splitting I’d be a tactful about why.

This is tricky. Could you get sex therapy or work on livening it up in the bedroom? Now you have children, I feel like the priority should be them and ideally them being brought up in a family with their two parents. If you otherwise get on, can you not just work on your sex life/masturbate? It also feels unfair on your partner, that you have chosen to have children with him, committed to life with him and then, though no fault of his own, he is forced to become a single parent with more limited access to his children. That said, obviously leaving would be better than affairs and maybe he would prefer to be single to being in the current situation, as the above poster is.

You should leave your husband and don't waste anymore of his time. If he read this he would feel awful. You shouldn't have married him with this compromise of yours.

I think people discount the importance of a healthy sex life, especially for women. For some people it’s ok to put it on the back burner but for many others it’s no way to live. One major reason i split with the father of my child was a lack of sexual connection. Like you i thought it wouldn’t matter as much as it did but it did. There were other reasons too but it was the right choice. I don’t believe that when we become mothers we also stop having our own identities and for many people sex is a hugely important part of who we are.

And i often see people saying they could happily do without sex ever again or it should not be important and i feel sad about that because it seems to me once you’ve experienced a truly fulfilling sex life you could never view sex like that again.

I think what you say as well about him having an opportunity to meet someone who he does blow away is important and honestly I think an ideal solution would be if you could discuss this and eventually figure out a friendly co-parenting relationship as good friends who care about each other. And free yourselves up to find someone who can be more than a friend.

I genuinely don’t think it is as simple as saying ‘as a mother my sexual needs are selfish’ as many seem to think! Why should that be? I don’t believe staying in an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage is better for the kids and a lack of a healthy sex life is absolutely valid as a reason to split and not at all selfish.

I know the normal response to this will likely be that if I felt like that with DH once then I could get it back, but if truth be told, I never felt like that with DH.

When we met I was so eager for a relationship, to settle down, live the conventional life, have kids, buy a house etc.

Just so so depressing how often this scenario comes up on MN.

We need to tell our friends and teach our daughters that putting their own desires to the side for the sake of conforming just isn't going to work out.

I don't have any advice, sorry, it's just so alien to me that anyone would get all the way to married-with-kids with someone they didn't even fancy in the first place.

Picking a life partner should be 100% about who they are as a person, not how they'll facilitate some idealised, boringly conventional lifestyle you think you should have.

Thanks for all the replies.

I just want to be clear that it was never a conscious decision to put aside sex in favour of a conventional life. Nor was it a case of me using DH to fulfill my need to be a mother.

I'd had bad experiences with men prior to meeting DH, and warmed to him instantly and we got on so well, and I did genuinely fall in love with him because of who he was as a person. It wasn't that I sought him out to fit a need, it was a true love, but it was not a passionate love at all. A slow burner. And I know that often that is what goes the distance.

But as I said, it's almost like a switch has been flicked in me and now I cannot see past the lack of passion and desire. Plus DH is not as considerate, laid back, and easy going as he once was (the things that attracted me to him), so it does leave me feeling empty, and unfulfilled.

It's not a decision I'm going to make on a whim, I'll see how things go and if things improve. Although I'm not sure now how that would happen.

I feel sorry for him, for myself, and for my kids. I don't want to be the reason our family is torn apart, but as a PP stated - just because I'm a mum, shouldn't mean that I have to put my basic needs to the side. It's a really difficult spot to be in.

I'm in a similar situation but I'm not sure what to advise. You don't mention how your DH feels but mine hasn't really ever fancied me, he has a low libido. Like you I wanted a long term relationship and was happy with what I had at first. Six years later though his sex drive has dropped to basically nothing and I've realised I now feel the same way.

We sound a little different to you in that we never hold hands, hug or cuddle on the couch. I used to want to, DH was not bothered, now I'm not bothered either and cringe on the once a year occasion DH tries to do it.

The main thing stopping me from leaving is knowing realistically I won't meet someone else. I couldn't meet a man who fancied me in the first 30 years of my life, I'm not going to meet one now I'm fatter, older and with two young dc in tow. I feel sick knowing I'm 35 and I'll never experience sex or even a hug again though.

I am even a bit like you in the met an ex story, except mind was a dream! I had a dream the other night that I met someone and fell in love. It really made me think about what I am missing. But that's the closest I'll ever get I suppose, a dream.

@TreeSmuggler

I'm in a similar situation but I'm not sure what to advise. You don't mention how your DH feels but mine hasn't really ever fancied me, he has a low libido. Like you I wanted a long term relationship and was happy with what I had at first. Six years later though his sex drive has dropped to basically nothing and I've realised I now feel the same way.

We sound a little different to you in that we never hold hands, hug or cuddle on the couch. I used to want to, DH was not bothered, now I'm not bothered either and cringe on the once a year occasion DH tries to do it.

The main thing stopping me from leaving is knowing realistically I won't meet someone else. I couldn't meet a man who fancied me in the first 30 years of my life, I'm not going to meet one now I'm fatter, older and with two young dc in tow. I feel sick knowing I'm 35 and I'll never experience sex or even a hug again though.

That's sad. I think if there was zero physical connection (no hugs, holding hands etc), I wouldn't even be considering staying with DH. You could definitely meet someone else, even if not a life long relationship,someone who wants to be intimate with you

I think if there was zero physical connection (no hugs, holding hands etc), I wouldn't even be considering staying with DH.

That is interesting because do you enjoy even this sort of physical connection with someone you have no, well, physical connection with? Like I said I cringe at the very idea.

@TreeSmuggler

I think if there was zero physical connection (no hugs, holding hands etc), I wouldn't even be considering staying with DH.

That is interesting because do you enjoy even this sort of physical connection with someone you have no, well, physical connection with? Like I said I cringe at the very idea.

Yeah I do. We have warmth, love, etc. Just no sexual desire or interest at all from my personal perspective.

Hey op, I know this thread is a few years old. I was wondering if things worked out for you in the end? x