How to stop hating your ex

[teddybear2012]

NC for this as I'm embarrassed to admit that my hatred for my ex husband is getting worse by the day.
I've seen councillors, read help books, discussed it with friends and family, but I cannot go a day without hating him for the deceit , abuse and lies he has put myself and the kids through.
Any wonderful advise? It's eating away at me.
Hand hold please x

Do you still have to see him to drop off the kids ect?

Very occasionally have to see him, but otherwise, I stay well out of his way.

Hmm...seems there may be two choices then. You either have to physically move on (perhaps by moving away and starting afresh) or find a way to do it symbolically.

You need to find away to close that chapter in your life.

Perhaps you could try writing a letter to yourself. Detailing that you give yourself permission to move on, that none of this was your fault and that he has no more right to a place in your story. Then you could burn it and as you do so, imagine invisible strings that tie him to you, being cut once and for all, one by one, until you are free.

Or, you know, move to Spain and spend life in the sun, surrounded by hunks and cocktails, never to think of him again.

By allowing him to have such an impact on you and your life you are giving him so much power.

Take it back

How long is it been? Since you have felt like this I mean?

How long is it since you broke up? Eleven years on i hate my with a strength I couldn’t ever imagine feeling towards anyone. Luckily I very rarely see him even though we live in the same part of town. If someone does absolutely dreadful, damaging shit and mess your life up then I feel it’s ok to hate them. I don’t spend time feeling bitter and have made the very best of the utter shitshow he left for me to deal with but I will always hate him and feel that’s a justified emotion. It’s lessened over the years but I don’t feel any need to forgive him and I take a childish delight in sticking two fingers up when I drive past his home (below the car window height so any innocent passers by don’t think it’s aimed at them). If it’s not long since your ex did whatever they did then maybe you need the anger to provide the impetus to tackle whatever it take to rebuild your life? We are always told anger is bad and we need to forgive in order to heal and move on. I disagree. Sometimes it’s necessary, often it’s justified and just like loss or fear or hurt, it’s a valid emotion.

You're still letting him abuse you. Holding on to all that hate will destroy any future happiness. The only person you're damaging is you. Take a deep breath and move on with your life.

What can you do to fill your mind with new and much more interesting thoughts?

Strangely enough, I found out by accident that getting a romantic someone in my life dropped my daily remembering by about 99%

I'm struggling with this at the moment too, some things have come up that have got me raging all over again, going over in my head all the horrible things he did.

Not sure what the solution is, but you're not alone!

Can I join too? Hoping for some gems of advice as having the same issue here. Split from exH 4 years ago - we have children.
The way he behaves now just absolutely infuriates me - and I spend far too much time going over everything he's done in the past and "ruminating" on it.
I know this is not healthy. I have sought counselling but the hate is still there gnawing away at me.

Don't waste your energy on hating someone you no longer care about. And that's the critical bit - you have to not care a jot about him, his actions, what he might say to you or about you. Otherwise it'll eat you up inside and end up making you a bitter and horrible person. Pity him for the sad, pathetic individual that he is. And be nice to him (however much of a bastard he might still be being) because that'll disassociate him from the hatred in your mind.

If he is still being a horrible to you now, that's either because he's full of hatred himself (echoing and amplifying your feelings towards each other), or because he gets off on upsetting you still (a control thing). So by being nice (or at least neutral) towards him then if it's a controlling for him, then he'll lose that control. And it's just because he's bitter as well, then one of you needs to break the cycle by sweetening things up a bit. It'll be better for you, and for the kids (and him too, but that's a necessary byproduct, not a primary objective).

I still hate my ex with a burning passion over a decade later. I try and channel my anger into doing positive things for myself - exercise, writing etc. A lot of my anger is with myself for allowing myself to be abused for so long so I like to use that anger to reward myself for each day I manage to get through without him.

I find consciously changing my mind set when ex drifts into my thoughts. I consciously think about my Latinate pudding. What ice cream I would have. Sauce etc etc. I visually build the pudding in my mind.

I spent a lot of time on this and yet to come with a conclusion of what the dessert would look like.

Live your best life for you. You deserve it.

Just try and draw a line under it.
Switch thoughts, and know that his behaviour is on him, not you.
Look forward to a much better future, without him ruining it, and peace of mind.