School anxiety

[Justmeandme19]

I know I'm going to sound really silly here, but I often feel anxious about doing the school run. It's not about the other parents it's about the teachers and staff in school. I need to explain that my children have a safeguarding folder in school and a court order stating that their father can not collect them from school. I know outside agencies have spoken to the school (with my permission). That there has been no conserns about my parenting only my ex that I brought to everyone's attention. I really have nothing to feel anxious or worried about. Part of me feels embarrassed and ashamed that the school know my business.
I just feel like "that parent" and to make it worse I over compensate when nervous.
Has anyone else been in this situation or are there any teachers on here who can ease my anxiety.
It's always worse this time of year as I have to deal with a new teacher, I know they will have read the court order and be aware of the safeguarding folder. Just find this so hard.

OP, I'm a primary school teacher.

I can assure you that there will be absolutely no judgement against you from the school!

Personally, I think mothers (because it's almost exclusively mothers) who have found the strength to do what you have done are awesome. And I will support those who aren't quite there yet to get there. We care about the children and keeping them safe. That's all.

Fwiw, there was a safeguarding concern regarding a member of my family. An Initial Assessement and safe and well checks at my children's schools took place. Did I enjoy it? No it was really bloody embarrassing and I made sure the school knew exactly what was going on! This family member had previously been down as someone who could collect from school. The school were nothing but supportive.

Please don't worry about this for a second longer

Oh and you don't sound silly. You feel implicated by what someone else has done.

You also imagine that everyone else/all the other families live idyllic lives. You'd be surprised.

Your child's teacher will be more concerned that they will know how to handle it if he turns up. Or what to expect. Or that the info gets passed on to any other staff who might be responsible for dismissing their class. They won't be judging you x

I work in a school office and it's completely normal and you have nothing to be embarrassed about. The school staff in my school speak positively about a lot of parents and can see on a human level if they're having a hard time

O god I could cry thank you. I struggle from general anxiety as the last few years have been tough trying to keep my kids safe etc, along with over 14 court hearing.
The school have only ever been positive and very supportive.
Can I ask regarding the safeguarding folder who will know the contents? Eg will the class teacher? This is particularly sensitive.
It doesn't help that the schools in an a fluent area and I know they only have a handful of children with court orders.

My children were at school in a very affluent, middle class area too. I really do get it.

In terms of who will know the details. In my current school it would only be the designated safeguarding lead (DHT), pastoral manager and HT who know the details. I, as class teacher, would know that a court order was in place and that the children weren't to go with dad. That's all. And it's all I'd want to know. It's the family's private business.

OldChinajug
Thank you I appreciate it.
Today's a prime example of my heightened anxiety. I feel as if I have to explain everything. Eg why I havnt done the homework, why I havnt used suncream lotion. If I forget to book their school lunches etc etc. Then I go away (as I am now) and worry what I looked like and what the teacher thought of me.

As class teacher would you know there was a safeguarding folder for a certain child?
I worry that people think the safeguarding conserns were about me and that I was a bad parent.

OK. Well you won't be the only.one who hasn't done homework or done suncream! Everything you have mentioned is normal.

The only thing that ever makes eye roll is the children who persistently don't bring a water bottle because their "mum didn't have time this morning" - what? And I do? Whilst I can't leave a class of 30 children and due to covid restrictions all water bottles have to be filled by an adult and I really don't want to leave a child without a drink... but even then, it's only the ones who are repeat offeners

Tbh, if it would make you feel better to talk to the class teacher about your fears, then do so. I'd be happy to put your mind at ease if it were me.

@Justmeandme19

As class teacher would you know there was a safeguarding folder for a certain child? I worry that people think the safeguarding conserns were about me and that I was a bad parent.

It depends. An historic safeguarding folder? Probably not if there were no ongoing issues and no current concerns; I wouldn't need to know. I'm expected to report all concerns through the reporting system whether there is a history or not for all children anyway.

I would know in your case because of the court order but i wouldn't know the content or the details. I wouldn't have access to it and I would only be given details that were relevant to me - eg if it might impact on the child's behaviour or mood in class. Otherwise, just that dad wasn't allowed to pick up.

I'm not stupid. If the children are with you and there is a court order against their dad picking them up, I'd hazard a guess that he was the problem and not you.

If you chose to tell me more, it would go no further.

I hope that helps

Thank you, yes it does. I'm well aware it's more about me and anxiety and feelings of self doubt. I know I'm a good parent and even though my parenting was investigated, due to the investigation into my ex, there were no conserns. As a parent that had to protect their children for a long time and the on going abuse from my ex it's very hard to step down mentally. This is something I'm still learning. Thank you very much for your help.

You're welcome.

I've seen it from both sides. I know it's hard to step.down from. And you also feel implicated by association. All those things are natural.

If there is a pastoral manager then you can ask to speak to them at school if you need/want to. Their role is to support the whole family not just the child x

Thank you again. I did wander about talking to the school about it. But it'd very hard to admit I'm finding it hard.

I can’t talk for primary. But as a secondary teacher - and I’m now also senior leadership as head of maths and an assistant headteacher - I have never in my career been given the intricate details about our safeguarding “file” students. I’ve obviously passed things on, and a couple of things have had to be shared to the whole staff due to the severity of certain issues but only to the extent that all staff have had to be made aware (eg a particular need to swiftly report non attendance of a lesson due to concerns about what that child was doing, not any of the complex home life that might be behind it all). Also; our student management systems will usually make clear if a parent is not to be contacted but again; there won’t be any further details than this other than “contact mum only; dad to have no contact/access”.

The people who know these things are the safeguarding leads. As it should be. It’s not gossip, details should be limited solely to what is strictly necessary to enable staff to properly protect children.

Given
Thank you. I appreciate it. As I've said I'm sure it's more about my general anxiety due to the whole situation. The school itself have been brilliant.

Similarly the office would know if there was a safeguarding folder but like the teachers have said wouldn't know details. It's more about who to call/text regarding absences/communication and who the child can go home with at the end of the day

I'm a TA in a primary school.

All I would know of your situation is something like "Only the child's mum is allowed to collect them." Information is strictly on a need-to-know basis and I really wouldn't need to know any more than that.

Our safeguarding policy means that every single child can only be collected by certain people, ie the ones that their parent/carer has named in advance in writing. In the school where I work, a child only being allowed to be collected by their mum is very common. No one would give it a second thought.

In EXACTLY the same situation. And it really brings me down when I know there’s new nursery and school staff that are aware of the situation. I get anxiety over perhaps those staff judging, “how could a mother let their children be in a situation where xyz has happened” however no staff at either setting have ever ever made me feel this way, it’s my own thoughts and stresses.
I don’t like speaking to teachers etc about it but I do always check with every new school year with the new teacher that all staff are aware children can’t leave with anyone but me, I’d rather be 100% safe than sorry.
It’s so hard OP I know 😔

I think part of the problem for me is that historically I don't feel safe at school. Not physically but because my ex would try and control me through school. Eg try and remove the children early from school, try and collect them from school. Turn up to school events and deliberately make things difficult for me etc etc. It's hard to explain with out saying too much.
I then get worried about saying too much /about the way I come across. Because I am nervous I think I come across as too full on.
This isn't just about school
The kids do many activities, I have to make it very clear that their father can not collect them, also saying I don't want any photos of them on social media etc etc. You end up feeling so bloody bogged down by it.

Thenshewasgone
Do you have a court order stopping the other parent from collecting?

It sounds like you are doing a brilliant job in these very difficult times. In a London primary where I work we try very hard to not only support and care for the child but also the whole family. Please try and get some support for yourself to help you cope with the complex feelings you are experiencing. In my opinion, people that encounter long term abuse end up with a form of PTSD and that conditions needs long term, professional support.

I don’t have a court order no, as he is under police investigation (awaiting CPS decision) for extremely serious crimes towards them and myself, he isn’t allowed anywhere near them or me due to witness intimidation. Neither is he allowed in the village we live in. Sadly as a result it means our life is permanent lockdown of sorts as we do not leave the village whatsoever for fear/risk of seeing him. I pray for the day we get our freedom back and can have counselling and start to repair.

I think you are also underestimating the number of other children who are also at risk in some way. There will be children with all kinds of issues that the teacher may well be much more concerned about. In any case the info in the file is confidential. As a teacher I would know that your ex cannot have contact and thats it. As far as all the little stuff you are worrying about, please don't. Lots of parents forget lunches and suncream and homework. These are not anything to worry about.

Thank you everyone. Xx it's just a long hard road. What's in the safeguarding file is totally horrific. The thought of it being out of my control regarding who knows about the details is hard. Xz

Have you had any counselling?

Sadly there are a significant number of children in most schools (affluent or otherwise) who have a parent who is violent, alcoholic, drug addicted… Staff know the importance of remembering those children who can only be collected by mum etc and they just see it in a factual way e.g. this is fundamental information which everyone must know and adhere to for the safety of those children which is everyone’s main concern.

You could be standing next to a parent at the school gates who is going through a similar thing in all likelihood. As a teacher I’d have nothing but respect for you as a mother who has been through and is going through so much yet is still doing a great job of parenting her children as keeping on top of homework etc is hard enough at the best of times.

Many parents find themselves drawn into the world of social services etc because the person they chose to have children with subsequently became an alcoholic etc and they have nothing but my sympathy.

@Justmeandme19

Thank you everyone. Xx it's just a long hard road. What's in the safeguarding file is totally horrific. The thought of it being out of my control regarding who knows about the details is hard. Xz

Schools take GDPR, confidentiality and just common decency very seriously.

I really would speak to the school and ask these questions of them. They won't mind, will understand your worries and will be able to reassure you that your private business is just that and not staff room gossip.

Oh my OP.

I can reassure you 100% nobody thinks that. The school will be grateful for your honesty and co-operation in keeping your kids safe.
Your THAT parent that made that person an ex and went to court to keep your babies safe and the school probably think you're great.

The school will deal with this stuff routinely and it's nothing but procedural for them. There will almost certainly be other families with all sorts of things going on that you don't know about.

None of it is drama.

I hope you overcome this because it sounds like you're a wonderful and protective mother.