The mundane in my relationship is pushing me to the brink..

[LutonConfused]

Help! Any advice would be welcome..

Been married to DW for five years - together ten. A lot of that time she had to be the primary carer to a sick parent - over the course of say 5 years who sadly passed. Around a year after we married.

Its got a hell of a lot worse in lockdown, but I feel there is a huge imbalance in our marriage ... simply on the mundane. We dont have kids but we both work in long hour jobs and have a small side business which adds to the workload.

Over the years, I take care of all the admin (insurance, mortgages all that) as well as all the stuff for the business. I think the business probably adds 7-10 days total a year of booking keeping etc. Most of it I do on the odd weekend or just keep on top of it during the week.

In lockdown we have both been working from home. I will cook lunches and dinners, do the washing etc. Over the last 3 months her work has started to return to normal so she is away two to three nights a week. Come the weekend she wants to see friends and do cool stuff.

Im so angered that it falls to me to do the boring stuff. In the past month she has been on holiday with a girlfriend for a week, she has spent a weekend with her sister. She has spent a weekend with her remaining parent and now she said she wants to spend the coming weekend with her friends .. "but you're always welcome". During the week she is so tired from work that we just fall on the sofa each night. So nothing gets done then.

It feels like I'm just a housemaid - She has been away on work for three days. The shopping has been done, the washing is done, the ironing is complete and the garden has been tidied. If I don't do it, it wont get done. But I don't want to live like that. I want her to see that I facilitate her massively and she is not willing to make compromises in the other direction.

I didnt sleep till 4am last night - thinking about if we split how it would have to be me that sorts out the mess. The mortgage, the assets. Its making me sick.. im shaking

I've raised these issues over the past two years... she slammed the door in my face one time and has said that i'm controlling her. And so what is the solution ... the easiest thing would be to not do them, but I need to live in this relationship as well. The car wouldn't get taxed or insured and the house would fall behind on the mortgage. I just don't know what to do

You're controlling her? She's abusing you.

Slamming the door in your face because she doesn't like the truth is abusive.

Leave...she doesn't sound like she wants to or is capable of friends. Is there anything good about the marriage? Do you have great sex or brilliant laughs or both?

change..not friends!

We have laughs sometimes. No sex. I've got no hope for anything anymore. Either scenarios... walking out or staying

I'd try two things first.
Google "she divorced me because i left the dishes by the sink" and "the mental load cartoon". Send her the links.
Tell her that you are on your fucking knees with taking on all the boring shit work, and you are seriously considering divorce. It is absolutely unfair that she gets to swan off when she feels like it and leaves you doing everything.

Tell her you need to see REAL change, or you're out the door. Maybe suggest relationship counselling so you can both express your needs and wants in a safe and supportive environment.

Honestly if she won't change then you will have to go, or you're going to end up so ill that you can't work. The resentment will kill you. And yes you'll have to do all the work of making it happen - but it will be the last time you will ever have to put up with her bullshit. With no kids in the picture, you will never have to speak to her again.

You didn't mention your age or whether you want children at some point - but if you're mid 30s or older you really need to get out ASAP so you can find someone you want to do that with. (I'm assuming you're both women, apols if not!)

Lol .. No Im a man (well I was last time I checked)

Im late 30s

Oh! Well in that case there's no rush as you have several decades of fertility you lucky bastard

It sounds like you're just friends sharing a house. Not even with benefits. There's no joy, no sharing, no love. What's the point? I would discuss it with her and agree to live separately, get a girlfriend, maybe get a housekeeper?

What everyone else said
You Deserve to be happier , have no fertility time bomb , and no sex in relationship as is
Or even quality time ?
Consider starting anew and better

That sounds rubbish , no kids, no sex,
Sorry to sound awful but get out ASAP
I think no fault divorce comes in to law in April 2022, get yourself ready and get out

You are essentially a housemaid and that isn't fair on you. If you have attempted to raise these issues before with her and she refuses to acknowledge the problem, then I think the relationship is doomed.

No sex in your 30s is pretty rubbish too.

It all sounds soulless. I'm sorry you're going through this but you can do better.

What everyone else said. You shouldn’t have to live like this. Totally understand if you want to try to make it work - assuming she’s willing to make some changes - but if not, get out now. It sounds miserable and life’s too short.

She has an absolute fool made of you.

I don't think there is anything to talk about.

Stop wasting your life skivvying for her and find your self respect.

Stop doing ANYTHING that benefits her, particularly her laundry.

Get yourself to a solicitor and get the house valued.

Get the house sold and start divorce proceedings.

Any woman behaving like that is unlikely to be faithful.

She is using you.
Thank goodness you don't have children, you can have a clean break.

Life is too short.

Organise yourself and get out.
And stop doing her blood laundry.

Bloody laundry!