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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Thinking about First Love but Married

7 replies

Ginatxs2 · 06/09/2021 21:29

Has anyone ever had a first love disappear entirely from their lives? It has been 16 years since my first love and I broke up. We were childhood sweethearts, together from age 13-21. We were each other’s first proper relationship, lost virginity, proms, etc. We grew up in the same town and would spend every day together throughout our early years. When we were exiting our teens, the relationship began to strain ever so slightly. He was going to university and his network of friends changed. We stopped spending as much time together and I felt as if I needed to experience life without him and broke up with him. After some months had passed, I desperately missed him and I tried to get back with him, I tried for months but he simply refused. I told my girlfriends some lies as to why the relationship ended, that he had cheated and treated me poorly but really he done neither. He was so good looking, kind, caring and I hated that I had lost him. I think I always took him for granted. We still used to message privately sometimes on social media but when he found out I lied about our breakup he was so disappointed that he didn’t even get angry, he just cut me off completely. We didn’t even get to put it all out there in one final big fight, he just walked away. Soon afterwards I got married and had children. He is married now too and we actually live in the same town still. The strange thing is that we have never properly run into one another. I have seen him in a restaurant on a night out but he was with his wife and wouldn’t look once at me. Apart from very brief encounters in malls or supermarkets we just don’t meet. When we have, I say hello to him but he can barely say hello back. He doesn’t even look at me, just through me. I think it hurts that I lied all those years ago. When trust is broken with him, that’s it, he can just move on. Things are going well for him, he is successful in his work and he seems genuinely happy, which makes me happy. I am also very happy in my marriage. Just over lockdown I thought about him a lot. Friends of mine had said on group chats that they had spoken to ex bf’s here and there and it all seems so normal and mature. I haven’t spoken to my ex in 16 years and never felt we had proper closure. I know that is not even a thing but I just feel that we were so so close for so so long and then for that just to disappear forever, well it’s quite sad. I am not looking to make contact with him, just wondering if anyone else has gone through similar? I find myself thinking about it a lot because I feel it’s just such an odd situation. If I did talk to him, I don’t even know what I would say. So, has anyone else ever been in my shoes? Any stories? Tnx

OP posts:
ToffeeNotCoffee · 06/09/2021 22:09

I'm a bit confused. You married your husband and had kids but you hanker after your ex.

Sounds like unfinished business.

Why did you lie about why you broke up ?

Ginatxs2 · 06/09/2021 22:23

I don’t hanker after him. I said I don’t even want to contact him, I just want to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience. To try and understand why I am thinking about this now, 16 years later? The last few years I haven’t really even thought about him. I have been so focused on enjoying my own life. Over Lockdown, when people were mentioning ex’s reaching out to them, THEN I began to think about him again more frequently and how I am older now and how fragile life is. I had more time to reflect and it began to really dawn on me that life could end quickly. People my age died from Covid! I just didn’t expect to be thinking of death at this age. It’s just been on my mind that once upon a time we were beyond belief close and now nothing. I lied because I was angry that he was rejecting me. At the time, I thought we’d get back together and live happily ever after. I felt foolish when I realised I wasn’t really that important. I was young and made a very poor choice to lie about it. He doesn’t occupy my mind all day every day, but I think about it more than I want to, hence me reaching out.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 06/09/2021 22:42

I would stop tormenting yourself. Lockdown has ended just get on with living.

Whatever broke you apart it was clear the relationship dynamic of you two individuals was not strong enough to overcome changes, maybe it was youth.

You cannot hanker over another person as though he will always be your property to dwell on. People are individuals, his life is separate but you seem to think his life existed just to be part of your life's tapestry.

I'm sure he doesn't feel like this, it's not a critism but sometimes we can assume that our time with someone on this earth has a greater impact than it actually did.

Think about the people who you are with, don't take them for granted and try to be satisfied and apprieciate what you have.

Catasptrophisemycat · 06/09/2021 22:49

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GreyCarpet · 07/09/2021 06:39

I think it's because lockdown gave us all time to think about all sorts of stuff and he is the thing you were thinking about. And you're right, it gave people.time to reflect on their own mortality, their lives and choices they'd made.

I also think you've probably matured over the last 16 years and now realise what a crappy thing it was to lie about him.

You're 37? Funnily enough, I had a similar experience when I was the same age and lost 2 close relatives in quick succession. It made me want to put right some past wrongs. I didn't but it's normal.

If you start attaching 'meaning' to it that will be problematic.

It's human nature. That's all.

FabulouslyFab · 07/09/2021 09:47

I went through a period in my late 30s, newly divorced, where I would’ve loved to have had a chance encounter with my first love, but we live at different ends of the country and afaik he was/is very happily married.
I still remember him on occasion but we are much older now and I prefer to remember him as a young man and not the old man that he will now be 😂
It would be nice to know if he remembered me though ….

Demodoll · 01/07/2022 03:49

Believe me. It happens. I'm in my 60s and suddenly without warning it hit me. There is a neurological thing in our brains that will trigger this.
I am divorced and he's married a loving time. We texted for months recently. Frankly, he never forgave me for ending it.

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