Getting over ‘friends’ ghosting me

[Careermummy]

Hi my husband left me a year ago. It was the right thing to do, we both made mistakes & it became a toxic relationship. I accept that and I’ve moved on.

At the same time as him leaving me. 3 of our joint friends ghosted me, without any warning at a time I needed them. I’ve no idea why, maybe they never really liked me after all.. maybe they felt like they couldn’t be friends with both of us. It’s been over a year now and this still really hurts me and I don’t know why. Can anyone offer any suggestions on how I can move on? I wouldn’t be friends with these people again as I could never ghost someone when they needed support & I am fortunate enough to have other friends who have been amazing. I just don’t understand why I can move on from my marriage but not from people doing that to me.

Hi, I had something similar happen to me and I sympathise! I broke up with a long term partner after 12 years together (my partner ran off with someone else they met on a work trip); and lots of our mutual friends didn’t even so much as ever contact me again, not even so much as to say “I’m sorry you must be having a bad time, how are you?”

It really left me not trusting people and even now years later I find it very difficult to trust or like anyone. The ghosting by others was almost worse than the breakup in the end, because it left me without any reasons why and constantly going over why in my mind.

I don’t have any quick solutions but I do feel your pain. It’s hard to understand why people do this. I’ve wondered if they just don’t know what to say and then they would rather just ghost than make any human effort.

I don’t really know what would make someone do this rather than just be a decent human being - it’s completely alien to me - but I’ve heard people say the same about bereavement, that people cross the road to avoid them rather than to interact at all. It’s deep inadequacy and crapness to my mind to be honest, not even to be able to send a text saying “sorry to hear, hope you’re okay” — but then I guess some people are just like that.

If they're still friends with your ex then they have 'taken sides' If not, then you have to put it down to people doing a runner when you get divorced. People do disappear, it happened to me and I'm sure many others, it's a thing. Some people will scarper when a misfortune is suffered.

It's easier to blame yourself than to get angry with them, but it's not you, it's them. Real friends don't do that.
Those people are not worth your time, but sorry this happened OP.

Op I’ve had this too, actually with nearly all of my friends. People I spent a long, long time with, thought i was friends for life with, who i dearly loved and whom I supported throughl their own various illnesses, affaris, divorces, deaths etc.
Every single one has either vastly distanced themselves to the point of not even really being aquaintances, or now only see my ex, who spent no time supoorting them or making any effort with the friendship when we were together.
Mind you one of them is now dating my ex too so there you go.
Ive come to the cynical conclusion that most friendships are bullshit really.
Im sorry you've had similar experience. It does make you a kick ass woman to do it all solo though.

A while ago now, but I had a few of mine scarper when I opened up about my DM's cancer. Never heard from them again.

So many friendships have ended since covid began. So many people have changed and so many friendships and relationships have broken down. It’s horrible, but we’ve all found out who our true friends are. Let this make way for new and better friends. It is very hurtful though.

I think it's common. People take sides. And don't want to get in involved or have drama at their door. Even family ghosts family. When I broke up with dh, his mother didn't contact me at all after the breakup for nearly 3 years. Except for Christmas. And her grandchild was just a toddler. And she just loved 2 miles away. We are back together but needless to say, I never make the effort. And we now live 150 miles away. What comes round goes round. Friendships come and go. Lower your expectations. But try to find new friends. It is exciting when you make a new one.

I think I got over it when my friend who is lovely, had told me that her long term friend also ghosted her and how upset she'd been. It made me think it probably happens to most of us from time to time and it's probably not for the reasons we imagine. I know her friend and I wouldn't have drawn the conclusion my friend did about the reason why. I think you have to focus on the good relationships you have instead.

I had friends ghost me as soon as I was getting my life back on track after leaving my abusive ex. Think they liked helping whilst there was drama but once there was no drama... they moved on.

Humans are weird. Fuck 'em. Go and arrange to have a cup of tea with your real friends and move on from those who've treated you appallingly.

I could have written your post. My breakup was 2.5 years ago and pretty much everyone but his Mum and to a small extent his sister have ghosted me. It’s been very difficult and has felt so isolating. I spent a long time kicking myself and blaming myself for being the common denominator… but in reality, I know he was a very skilled and apt gaslighter. So I assume it has little to do with me and everything to do with him. Oh well .. onwards and up!

People can't cope with change. If someone dies, or if you break up with a partner. or if they see you with a new car, a better house, if you become ill it seems friends don't know how to handle it, so they avoid.

I have this happen to me a couple of times, I found it really hard to deal with. I kept in touch with my best friend from school for seven years after we left, we used to meet up and call each other every week, then it suddenly I never heard from her again, I tried to get in touch with her but nothing, I have know idea what went wrong as we never felt out. Second one was a friend who was treating me poorly so we fell out, most of her mutual friends and family blanked me after that which really hurt.

Thank you so much everybody. It's very reassuring (although sad to hear) that this is common and isn't personal. I think I've spent to long thinking what did I do wrong? Or why did they chose my ex? When in reality it sounds like this is just life. For those of you who this also happened to, I hope you all now have real friends that wouldn't do this to you x