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Original poster

Facebook and new boyfriend

55 replies

Nightmare70 · 06/09/2021 20:36

I’ve been dating someone for a couple of months and we were friends from a while ago too. I’ve mentioned a couple of times becoming friends on Facebook but he’s clearly not keen. He mentioned people from his past are on there. I wasn’t too bothered to start with now we’ve seen more of each other it’s starting to bother me a bit. I obviously don’t want to kept mentioning it though. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nightmare70 · 06/09/2021 21:42

I’m as sure as I can be he and his ex have split up. I just think he doesn’t want to have to face any questions about seeing someone new.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nightmare70 · 06/09/2021 21:43

@lbpie my thoughts exactly!!!!

OP posts:
ActonSquirrel · 06/09/2021 21:45

Being physically intimate with someone on a regular (non casual) basis is surely more private/intimate than whatever you post on fb.....unless you have something to hide!

I didn't know that when I had sex with someone I'd been dating for 2 months, in excess of 10 years of Facebook posting history had to be revealed to them or I'm hiding something???

How bizarre.

ActonSquirrel · 06/09/2021 21:47

@Nightmare70

I’m as sure as I can be he and his ex have split up. I just think he doesn’t want to have to face any questions about seeing someone new.
Then you have to decide if you are OK with that instead of pushing him to add you on Facebook.

Boundaries are not to make someone do what you want: they are to reject behaviour you're not comfortable with.

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/09/2021 21:47

I wouldn’t add a boyfriend of a few weeks to my Facebook. I wouldn’t want him rummaging through my past posts and photos; I had a friend who added his new girlfriend at her insistence - and she promptly went through all of his historic content and sent messages to all the women tagged in his old photos telling them that if they were his ex girlfriends they’d better watch out and keep away from him now or she’d slap them one.

There are some nutters out there and I think it’s always wise to hang off until you know your new squeeze isn’t one.

lbpie · 06/09/2021 21:47

@TubeOfSmarties

I'd probably find it weird if a bloke was mithering me to be FB friends after a couple of months. I've got nothing to hide but wouldn't want any us being together type stuff posted on there at that point for all and sundry to be speculating about.
That's not what she's looking to do. She simply wants to be "friends". I'd say adding her as a friend and someone else even noticing and then jumping to the conclusion they are dating is slim so my bet is that there's stuff on his fb he doesn't want OP to see.

Do you have any friends on common OP?

Original poster
Nightmare70 · 06/09/2021 21:50

@ComtesseDeSpair yes I’d agree had I only recently met him. As unsaid in my OP I’ve been him for quite a while

OP posts:
Original poster
Nightmare70 · 06/09/2021 21:50

@lbpie thanks 😊 No friends in common

OP posts:
bobblebeebob · 06/09/2021 21:51

Send a friend request

Go on. Do it

Do it now

Go on, go on, go on. Gwan!

Lightlady · 06/09/2021 21:53

@ActonSquirrel

But why though?

Going against the grain I don't want a man I've dated for 2 months having access to what I post between family and old friends.

If you don't trust him that's your issue.

People are not automatically owed trust . Evasive and secretive behaviour like this will prevent trust being built

His behaviour is suss and it seems there is some reason he wants your relationship kept secret from someone in Facebook … and perhaps his relationship with them kept secret from you . I’d def be asking why ?

lilmishap · 06/09/2021 21:57

[quote Nightmare70]@TubeOfSmarties I had no intention of posting loads of stuff ( or even anything at this stage) about us at all![/quote]
Send him a friend request. Stop mentioning it.

I've had randoms I met send requests within minutes, he can delete you if you cause a problem.
Are his privacy settings tight then?

Original poster
Nightmare70 · 06/09/2021 22:00

@Lightlady exactly that. I think it because his ex knows we had a bit of a fling many many years ago (it didn’t come to anything) and he was with his ex for 18 years after that, So it really shouldn’t really matter now!!

OP posts:
OmgIcantbelieveshedidit · 06/09/2021 22:06

Mine said he was friends with his daughter who reported it all to his ex. After a long long time he friended me but made it clear I was not to post on his wall as I might enrage the psycho ex. Turns out the ex had good reason to be Psycho she was told to post on his wall as I was a jealous friend etc - he was with / trying to get back with her all along. Fb messages thousands of them - same with texts - adoring and loving ‘hi baby love you - you are my world ‘ and what was he doing copying and pasting them to both of us 🙄😱identical neutral loving posts never ever again this is a huge huge red flag

KarenofSparta · 06/09/2021 22:07

I wouldn't be keen on adding someone just two months in either. It's so early & all a bit awkward if it all goes tits up.

Deedee121 · 06/09/2021 22:08

I think send him a friend request and see what happens

lilmishap · 06/09/2021 22:11

@Nightmare70

I’m as sure as I can be he and his ex have split up. I just think he doesn’t want to have to face any questions about seeing someone new.
You're not new though, that is going to raise some questions.

Why do you need to be on his FB so much? Why are you not already friends with him? Who have you met from his actual life?

Original poster
Nightmare70 · 06/09/2021 22:26

@lilmishap I don’t “ need” to be, I’m just confused as it why it’s such as issue for him if he’s single and has been for nearly 2 years!

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 07/09/2021 02:29

He wouldn't have an issue with it unless he's hiding something.

TubeOfSmarties · 07/09/2021 07:13

[quote Nightmare70]@TubeOfSmarties I had no intention of posting loads of stuff ( or even anything at this stage) about us at all![/quote]
I believe you. I don't think there's anything especially ofd about you wanting to be friends. But not everyone sees FB the same and I also don't think it's weird that he doesn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't want someone tagging me, for instance. and my mum asking who they are. He doesn't know whether you're a tagger or not. I wouldn't add someone i'd been dating for such a short time is all.

Hadjab · 07/09/2021 07:21

OK but you clearly weren't close enough friends to be a FB friend back then. Why would 2 months of dating change that?

This!

PearlyRising · 07/09/2021 07:35

Well, it'd be a huge turn off.
Knowing this man has 200-500 people he is fb friends with but the woman he's getting to know is not going to be one of them.
Even if you're just observing flags, green or red, this would point to his facebook persona being a construct.

At the very least, it'd just turn me off.

Lizardtongue · 07/09/2021 07:40

I dated for many years and had so many red flags like this.. all the freaking time. Then i met a guy, first thing he did was add me on fb and he even deleted literally all his female acquitances (im guessing not close).. this was in no way coming from me and it is a tad extreme i admit but it made me feel so freaking special.. facebook isnt the be all to a relationship but i would say it means he isnt invested

R0tational · 07/09/2021 07:40

I dont think its a red flag. I wouldnt like to add someone I didnt want to. Keeping worlds separate. New relationship, just no.

LBirch02 · 07/09/2021 07:43

I would put Facebook on the backburner personally. It’s not as important as the real life relationships you have

Branleuse · 07/09/2021 07:47

It would bother me in the same way that it would bother me if a boyfriend was weird about me having his phone number or address. I use social media a fair bit to communicate. If someone wasnt on fb then thats one thing, but if they were and didnt want to add me, then thats more of a statement