In love with my best friend

[Needhelpfuladvice]

Hello,

I’m really struggling, and I need some advice. Three years ago I met my best friend, we’ve been inseparable ever since, we’ve been through a lot together, about a year ago I told her I was in love with her, she admitted she had feelings for me but they weren’t enough and she didn’t have a romantic connection with me we’ve worked through it the best we could and remained as close as ever, she’s now seeing another woman, all be it’s very early days, but it’s killing me 😢😢

She does send mixed signals occasionally, she will tell me she’s missed me if we haven’t spoke in a while, we speak every day, it’s like we are in a relationship but we are not, and I’m so torn about what to do?! I don’t want to walk away! I can’t walk away! But how do I stop this gut wrenching pain!

I’m hoping someone will have some answers because things really are miserable for me at the moment.

I'm sorry that you are going through this, but the only way IS to wall away. If she's not interested, you are just going to torture yourself and not find anyone else. While you remain tied to her, she gets all of the emotional benefits of a relationship so she won't want to end it.

Walk away!

she didn’t have a romantic connection with me
That usually means the other person doesn’t fancy you. You obviously get on well as friends but she doesn’t want to be any more than that. It’s up to you whether you value her as a friend and want to stay friends. or whether you were only being her friend because you wanted it to become a relationship.

It sounds like the relationship got very intense very quickly and talking every day sounds unusual IME.

Anyway, you told her how you feel and she doesn’t feel the same. I’m sure it’s really painful. I’d suggest distancing yourself - drop to speaking once a week?

You can’t keep talking to someone you have unrequited love for every day and expect it to be anything but hugely painful. You also need to consider that as things progress with her new relationship she may not be comfortable with continuing to spend so much time with you - at the least her girlfriend would probably be a bit stressed at the thought of her new partner taking to a woman madly in love with her girlfriend every day.

I think the best thing you can do is to back off and reduce the amount of time you spend with your friend. The friendship is not healthy if it’s that intense and it has unrequited love as a factor as well - it’s only going to get more messy.

Why is she allowing it to continue knowing full well how I feel? She tells me she misses me she tells me she wants to spend time with me. I don’t understand

Maybe she likes the attention. I think it sounds best to walk away, a clean break will, over time, give you a clear head.

Because you boost her. Im not saying she doesn't care for you, but I'm sure as hell that she's aware of the disparity in your dynamic. It's hurting you to have such an intense, but unfulfilled relationship. At least try to be more casual with her if you continue the friendship. Don't message every day.

She isn't your friend, op, you're her admirer, and she loves the attention. She likes knowing the power she has over you. She likes to pull your strings to keep you reeled in.

You need to cut her out of your life. You will be stuck in this absurd limbo forever if you don't.

@Needhelpfuladvice

Why is she allowing it to continue knowing full well how I feel? She tells me she misses me she tells me she wants to spend time with me. I don’t understand

Because she genuinely likes and cares for you? Considers you to be a loved friend? Would really like to keep that friendship? It might be that she is using you for attention but it might be that she is desperately clinging to the delusion that she can keep you as a friend and also have a girlfriend. You’re both deluding yourself I’m afraid. But it going to come down to you making the break. You need time and space away from her.

It could well be that she really cares about you and values you as her friend and enjoys spending time with you. But that doesn’t mean it’s healthy, especially for you! It seems as though you are taking her saying she misses you and the time you spend together as hope things could change romantically - taking her continuing to want a close friendship even after you have declared how you feel as hope. But in reality, if she really cares for you she wouldn’t keep saying she misses you and trying to keep you as a close friend, while developing a new relationship, knowing how you feel. It’s selfish tbh. Unfortunately, a true friendship can’t work if one person has romantic and unrequited feelings - at least not in the same pseudo relationship-y intense way it has been between you.

It seems like she wants things to remain the same, even though she now knows your feelings don’t align. That’s kind of selfish because you’re the one hurting while she has a new relationship. She gets her ‘bestie’ and a close friendship with you AND the romantic one. But look at what that’s doing to you.

"she didn’t have a romantic connection with me" She has told you how she feels. Protect yourself and start to detach.