Too soon?

[Molly2021]

My ex and I ended 4 months ago now after being together for 8 years.

Although it ended mutually and there is no bad blood between us, it was still quite a hard break up for me and we have had literally no contact at all since which I have slowly been adapting to and as of recently, I have been okay.

Both of us agreed that although we love each other, it wasn't working and we were growing in different directions. He never cheated, as far as I am aware and neither did I, it was just "bad timing".

I won't dwindle on the fine details, but after 8 years, it's easy for me to say he was someone that was incredibly important to me. If you would have asked me a year ago, I would have told you I couldn't imagine my life without him.

Today I found out through other mutual friends that he is seeing someone new. I'm unsure of how long it has been for them, all I do know is that she has been introduced into his social circle.

I knew this day would come, obviously, I guess I just didn't expect it so soon. I feel as though it has knocked me for six. The person that told me, told me so blasé, as though I wouldn't care, so I just went along with it and said I'm happy for him, which I am, but it was still a hefty punch to the stomach.

The girl he is dating is also someone that he has known for a while, she made a few advances whilst we were together, so I think this is another reason as why it hurts.

I guess it takes people at different speeds to feel ready to date again. I'm not quite there yet.

When did everyone else finally move on?

Thank you

No advice, just wanted to send a hug x

There’s no right time except the right time for you.

I was happily in a new relationship with a baby when I found out my ex was getting married. It still made me go a bit funny for a few moments. You’ve just had a human reaction.

Men are rubbish at being on their own and probably stereotyping but seem to move on a lot lot quicker than women.

I think 4 months is a tad early.

You will find it gets easier, I promise.

Be less concerned about him and more focussed on you.

It’s really normal to find it hard when an ex finds someone new! Your feelings are normal.

Whether it’s too soon or not is really only down to him to decide, some people do move on very quickly. They struggle with being single, or heal very quickly, plan to go and have a few flings for fun now they’re single and end up meeting someone serious, they want a family and don’t want to waste time, they simply enjoy having a partner.

It’s common to have this belief that there’s a mandatory amount of time to wait before a new relationship but humans are complex animals and there’s no right or wrong. Some people are really efficient at moving on emotionally once they know it’s over, others take more time.

Personally I’ve always enjoyed dating again quite soon after a relationship ends, not to find anything serious but sometimes it happens anyway. I met someone two weeks after my last relationship ended. Hadn’t intended to find a partner (I was just looking to meet new people in a new city) but wasn’t going to turn someone down who I really clicked with. It happens.

@Blueskytoday06

Men are rubbish at being on their own and probably stereotyping but seem to move on a lot lot quicker than women.

I think 4 months is a tad early.

You will find it gets easier, I promise.

Be less concerned about him and more focussed on you.

I agree that some people are rubbish at being alone but I think women do it as well - it's just that women with children generally end up as the default parent after a split and therefore have less free time to date.

Someone once told me that on average, after a relationship of X years, double the number of years and that's how many months recovery before you're ready to date again. So in your case, 8 years will take 16 months to get over.

For me I've found it takes longer. I ended my 5 year marriage and going by the above theory I should have been ready to date in 10 months, but it was actually over 2 years.

Thank you for the hug @Ladyrattles

Thank you to everyone, you are all soon kind.

I guess it really does just depend on the person then. I think as you all said, it's the shock that unsettles you. I'm sure tomorrow ill be okay and able to push it to the back of my mind.

I do keep telling myself I'm open to the idea of meeting someone but I don't think I am just yet but yes, I cant expect him to go at the same speed as me.

Thanks again everyone, it'll all be okay in the end!
xx

I think it is easier to 'stomach' it when you are also seeing someone. After 8 years and only 4 months split it must still be quite raw. In my opinion it is too soon for him, better to be single for a while so you get together with someone for the right reasons and not just for a replacement.

Even though I had wanted to split from ex husband for many years, it took about a year before I started dating again and even that was too soon. 2 years after I was in a much better place and that has enabled me to find someone really compatible.