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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dont know if I overreacted?

19 replies

CoffeeCakeChill · 06/09/2021 13:05

Dh and i have 1 dc he is very much set on having no more
Its been really hard but i have eventually gotten over the urge for another child.

Yesterday I was discussing a long term goal to move to a specific area for the purpose of the thread lets say lake district and thats only about 40min from where we live now- a city

He initially was on board and Yesterday said he didnt know if he would want to do that actually...maybe 20 years time...
I said that I feel that I dont get to achieve my life goals because he doesnt want to do it and he said like what and i said have a second child was one.

Well then he said we could have had another and i choose not to- (one time years ago after a particularly emotional time he conceeded that I could get pregnant if I wanted to but he was not 100% on board and I didnt go ahead with this as I wanted to have a baby with someone who truly wanted to have a baby with me)

Anyway this really upset me. Hes basically re written history to say its my choise we didnt have another.
I was crying and really upset and he didnt try and resolve it there and then or even try and comfort me.
I told him I dont think i can move past this not just the rewriting of one of the hardest periods of our marriage but his complete lack of empathy or care when i was so upset and I have told him I dont want to be with him anymore and also said this again this morning. Am i over reacting?

For context im 31. He is 35 married 8 years

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 06/09/2021 13:41

Hmm. It seems to be all about what he wants, when a relationship often involves some sort of compromise and taking into account what the other person wants. It seems to be one-sided, and no, I wouldn't want to live like this.

BabyLeaf · 06/09/2021 15:19

He’s a twat.

He wants to paint you refusing to have a baby that isn’t truly wanted by their father as you being the one deciding to take a second child off the table?

Pplpleazer · 06/09/2021 15:22

I don't think you're overreacting. You're completely within your rights to be upset about this and his lack of empathy was astounding. I'd try counselling just to see if it was worth saving.

Orgasmagorical · 06/09/2021 15:29

He's lying so he doesn't have to take responsibility for his own choices. Why is that, do you think? Also why does he get to do all the choosing and you have to do all the compromising?

GoodnightGrandma · 06/09/2021 15:32

No, you’re not overreacting. He’s a dick.
And he’s stringing you along.

Totallydefeated · 06/09/2021 15:34

You’re not overreacting

forgottonworkloaddays · 06/09/2021 15:37

Wow how upsetting!

As another poster has said it all seems to be about what HE wants, there needs to be compromise.

Look your both still young is another baby completely off the cards ?

Pinkbonbon · 06/09/2021 15:49

Gaslighting in order to headfuck you. Backed up by lack of empathy and being absolutely cool with you hurting.

Run.

Original poster

CoffeeCakeChill · 06/09/2021 15:52

@forgottonworkloaddays

Wow how upsetting!

As another poster has said it all seems to be about what HE wants, there needs to be compromise.

Look your both still young is another baby completely off the cards ?

For him yes. As part of the conversation last night I said "so WOULD you have another baby" and it was absolutely not "that ship has sailed..."

Some great responses. Actually I do feel I have been strung along quite a bit...

I have considered councilling and will talk about this with him but this isnt the first example of a situation such as this and i do feel a bit "done"

OP posts:

forgottonworkloaddays · 06/09/2021 16:21

It's a difficult Sirius toon he has put you in.

If a baby is a no go then moving to where you would like to love surely has to be taken seriously and some thought put into it.

Life isn't fair we all know that but when it comes to a relationship it has to be fair otherwise resentment sets in.

To be honest though your very young who's to say you couldn't leave him find someone else and have a baby with that person if you felt that was right ( not saying to do this, just saying you have options)

Inthesameboatatmo · 06/09/2021 16:48

He's been stringing you along for ages , you are young enough to meet someone else and have another baby, you will be happier if you left rather than stay for years trying to work through this only to find it's too late.

Orgasmagorical · 06/09/2021 18:15

I have considered councilling and will talk about this with him but this isnt the first example of a situation such as this

If I were you I'd consider going to counselling by yourself, certainly in the first instance. He may well just lie at the sessions saying what he thinks you and/or the counsellor want to hear and nothing will change. Also, personally, I don't think bearing any more of your soul to him would be a good idea.

Walkingalot · 06/09/2021 18:17

You're only 31 so why does he think that ship sailed?
Why wait 20 yrs to move?
Are you happy otherwise in the relationship? Is he kind, thoughtful and loving, pull his weight around the house and with your DC? Does he support and encourage you in other matters?

Original poster

CoffeeCakeChill · 06/09/2021 19:02

@Walkingalot

You're only 31 so why does he think that ship sailed? Why wait 20 yrs to move? Are you happy otherwise in the relationship? Is he kind, thoughtful and loving, pull his weight around the house and with your DC? Does he support and encourage you in other matters?

He actually does support me i many ways he is equal partners in housework and childcare

Good point about maybe solo councilling ill lool into this

OP posts:

bigbaggyeyes · 06/09/2021 19:07

Equal shares in housework and child care isn't supporting you. It's doing his fair share!

At your age a second dc is t off the cards, nor is moving.

Tbh it all sounds like it's about him and his wants and needs

Elieza · 06/09/2021 19:12

He sounds like a gaslighter.

Probably believes what he says too. Even though you know he’s talking nonsense.

CatalinaCasesolver · 06/09/2021 19:13

He's a gaslighter

Original poster

CoffeeCakeChill · 06/09/2021 19:24

I 100% agree with you all he is a gaslighter. Its never going to change is it

Weve been together since i was 19 and even then he said to me once dont move away for uni we would split up. Why have i missed out on so much

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 06/09/2021 19:53

@CoffeeCakeChill

I 100% agree with you all he is a gaslighter. Its never going to change is it

Weve been together since i was 19 and even then he said to me once dont move away for uni we would split up. Why have i missed out on so much

I had one like that. He told me I wouldn't make it on my own in the big city for uni.

I went to uni anyway xD
Took me another 3 years to be fully rid of him though.

But uni was a waste of money tbh. Though, if you find something you want to do...theres still time op!

I think life is too short to spend with mean people. Theres so much I haven't achieved in life but I like to think that at least ive learned to love myself and not stay with people who are cold and unfeeling. Which is a good basis to start from, at any point in life.

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