Can love really be THIS blind?

[Arizona823]

My friend (female 30s) has recently seperated from her long term partner (male 30s) with whom she has kids with.
Her ex is attractive, has a good job, good father and is very trustworthy and kind.
However their relationship fizzled out to a point where it had no chemistry. They never spoke nor had sex despite living together and were only together for the kids.

Anyways she has a new man now. However he is very old, short, unattractive, drinks, smokes, does illegal drugs, sufferers from major depression and takes various prescription drugs.

I admit some of my judgements are shallow, but she's only known the guy for a few weeks.
How can she be willing to overlook so many of these characteristics in a potential long term partner??
Her response is that they have 'chemistry'.

We have just found out too that he cheated on her and lied about it ( yes 2 week in). The evidence was overwhelming.
This seemed to be thing that finally got her to question her choices yet she still hasn't ended it and is willing to talk it out with the guy!

Seriously, someone help me understand this?
I don't understand what's driving her decisions.
I asked her if she is lonely or afraid to be alone and she says no.
Her ex also appears to have stepped up his game and is being supportive.

She is attractive and has options.

What's going on?

How do you see this playing out?

Sometimes coming out of a long term relationship can do weird things to you. When I split with my DC Dad, I had a relationship with a really dubious man, who (quite rightly) now of my friends could stand. I realised eventually he was a wrong 'un, but I had to come to this conclusion myself.

You're right to be concerned for your friend though, it's sounds like you care about her and don't want her to get hurt. I think the best you can do is be there to support and pick up the pieces without judgement.

Sometimes being self-destructive can feel really good, especially if you’ve been playing ‘by the rules’ a lot. We all have chaotic and darker sides and sometimes that comes out in wild sex with unsuitable people!

Maybe that’s what’s happening here.

Look, you are painting her ex like he's Mr perfect here - good-looking, trustworthy, good parent. Sounds great on the surface, but we don't know what goes on behind closed doors, and there may well be stuff she hasn't told you about. For a start, she clearly has low self esteem, so, that sexless relationship, could of been rejection by him? We don't know, but what we do know is, given her bad choice, her self-worth is on the floor, that will be to do with how things have gone with her ex, so he's not so perfect - unless, she had childhood trauma of some sort, and it's all coming out in the wrong way since becoming a mother maybe. Whatever the reason, support her when crap goes down, and suggest counseling, sounds like she needs it.

How can he be "cheating" if she's only been dating him a few weeks? 🤔

Your list of deal breakers is different to hers. My husband would have ticked most of those boxes. Old, shortish, not conventionally attractive, smoked, disabled and medicated, drank occasionally, smoked weed occasionally. But we could talk for hours and hours and had amazing sex.

If you care more about a potential partner's physical appearance, age, and you consider a disability a mark against them, well. Crack on and you do you I guess, and let your friend do what's right for her.

There is not much you can do about it. Just be ready to support her when they split up. However, she may end up being a positive thing for the man you never know.

Opentoooffers,

Interesting you say that!

Repressed childhood drama came to the surface after she became a mother (years ago) and its something she has been dealing with since.
I don't think the ex was supportive. Not out of mallice, but I just dont think he knew at the time how to deal with the situation or was aware of everything.
As for how all that relates to her current relationship, I honestly didn't even consider that being a factor.

I have to trust she is making the right decision for her and will be supportive if things take a turn for the worse.

She's a beautiful young woman who is full of life and is confident so the self esteem commentary comes as a surprise, but then again, the on going choice in this man also came as a surprise.

It's a fine line between advising a friend and getting involved in the relationship.
I have taken a step back now, but I assume if cheating once again becomes apparent I should speak up.

Opentoooffers,

Yes the ex was far from perfect and I should have listed his negatives too.
He ignored her emotionally and physically and they were living like roommates.
He worked and provided stability but didnt help out much with other things, i.e. didnt spent enough time with the kids or help out around the house.

He wasnt supportive of her emotional needs and didnt give her the attention he should have.

Their relationship started out well enough, spending lots of time together, chatting, going on dates, frequent sex and cuddling etc. However that eventually faded away.
Most notably after the first child was born.

OP, all you can do is remain a friend and be there for her when things don't work out. You cannot and will most likely ever know what it is that she is needing now. You also do not know what happened in her previous relationship. She is only telling you what she wants you to know.

We all deal with trauma (and I honestly think that there is a traumatic element to every relationship breakdown, from what caused the breakdown and the actual parting of ways) in different ways. Maybe she just needs what she didn't have in her relationship, which in this case sounds like communication. Its early days. Chances are its a rebound fling and she will see will take what she needs from it.

You absolutely cannot go in all guns blazing and tell her he's cheating (is he really after 2 weeks?, are they even in a proper relationship) as she will back off from you.

It is difficult to step back at times, but this is what you need to do. Be a friend and support you, you will most likely find she is going through more than she is admitting to.

To those who have said it's only been 2 weeks, who cares about the cheating.
Let's be clear, they are in a relationship, its beyond dating. They are moving fast yet they have made a commitment to each other, are emotionally involved and when caught, he went to great lengths to lie about it.

I would honestly leave her to it…

I’ve known a few friends fixate on a man, get involved too soon and I’ve come to the conclusion it’s their lives not mine! You really cannot make someone change their mind when they’re in love or infatuated.

Goes without saying the cheating is awful, but...

However he is very old, short, unattractive, drinks, smokes, does illegal drugs, sufferers from major depression and takes various prescription drugs.

OP you sound incredibly judgmental and if I was your friend, I wouldn't be taking your relationship advice either. Explain to us what's wrong with being old or short? Explain to us why suffering from a medical condition (and medicating it appropriately) is a failing? And are you really so sheltered that no one else you know drinks or smokes? Or even does drugs? And as a six-year-old would be able to tell you, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so whether you find him unattractive or not is irrelevant.

TBH that description could apply to many people I know, all of whom are also witty, kind, successful, generous, trustworthy and stable and who I'm honoured to have in my life.

You say her ex paid her no attention at all, but she can talk for hours with the new bf. That's a huge thing. He might have been the perfect husband on the outside, wealthy and tall and handsome, but none of that matters if he didn't care about her as a person.

She is almost certainly aware of his flaws and realistic about whether this relationship has legs. She may not be looking for anything more than what it is. But like I said - if I was her, and if I knew what your values were, I'd take your relationship advice with a pinch of salt.

Explain to us why suffering from a medical condition (and medicating it appropriately) is a failing?

Oh ffs this is the type of self righteous, virtue signalling twaddle that gets rolled out predictably by certain posters.

How the fk is he medicating himself appropriately if he uses illegal drugs??!!

And you're slating op for being judgemental while making out she's naive or abnormal for not knowing people who use illegal drugs.

I don't know anyone who uses illegal drugs .... i knew plenty when I was younger, and did some myself but I don't know any now, because I'm older (though younger than the man in this post) and it's normal and well adjusted to stop using illegal drugs as you become a full adult with responsibilities!

Any who doesn't is likely to have issues and should should given a wide berth, not to mention that people who use drugs and drink to any extent are fkg BORING and intensely irritating while drunk/high, and recovering in the days after. Who wants to deal with that shite. Also really bad idea to gave them around your kids, which they'll inevitably be if you get into a steady relationship.

And as a six-year-old would be able to tell you, beauty is in the eye of the beholder

What 6 yr old (who hasn't been prompted to say that) would seriously come out with that? Children are often incredibly naturally brutal.about appearances, and also innocently shallow in what they think makes a person "good" (generally whoever gives them the most fun and stuff they want). Now you're attributing values and discernment to kids that are totally unrealistic.

Explain to us what's wrong with being old or short?

Again the self righteous chiding of op.

Couples are often around the same age and relatively looks matched/with similar levels of physical attractiveness; when they aren't there are often issues at play ..... it's not abnormal in any way to wonder what the issues are and be concerned about someone if they get into a relationship with someone with an age gap and considerable attractiveness mismatch; stop trying to pretend most people don't think or act that way.

Also note that the attractiveness and age gap are about 95% on the male side of this happens, you won't meet many men who hook up with much older and much less conventionally atrravruve women than them, so yeah I would would concerned about theemotional.state of any woman doing it.

Not even getting onto his other negative traits.

Op, I think she's having a rebound relationship. Hopefully it will peter out.

If her ex neglected her emotionally abd sexually, she's probably very affected by being wanted/desired and perhaps feeling super confident in that area, due to the age gap avd attractiveness mismatch.

He also possible seems attractive because he's a bit degenerate & disordered while her ex sounds quite straight laced (?)

She's possibly going for the polar opposite of him. Often happens in rebounds.

@SleepingBunnies21 you seem very caught up on what you deem "normal" and very angry that it might not be considered normal to everyone.

I would be supportive and say you are glad she is having fun and good sex again, but caution against her seeing anything long term as she can have it all with someone who doesn’t have all his negative attributes.

Be supportive but clear you think it’s unsuitable long term - until it becomes unwanted advice, when you have to shut up to preserve your friendship.

[quote gannett]@SleepingBunnies21 you seem very caught up on what you deem "normal" and very angry that it might not be considered normal to everyone.[/quote]
And are you really so sheltered that no one else you know drinks or smokes? Or even does drugs?

Annoyed at you gas lighting op about what's normal, yeah.

Drinking and smoking is common, you absolutely should not be normalising illegal drug use (especially when a woman with kids is involved).

Anyway pretty ironic post from you given your comprehensive shaming attempt of op's quite reasonable judgement of this man.

He's "appropriately self medicating" while using illegal drugs.
A 6 yr old would tell op that beauty is in the eye of the beholder ......

Like, seriously - you don't expect sharp responses to that.

Drinking and smoking is common, you absolutely should not be normalising illegal drug use (especially when a woman with kids is involved).

Not to mention that there's drinking and there's "drinking". When people say that someone "drinks" they're not usually talking about the odd small glass of wine in the evening. Its usually shorthand for getting totally bladdered on a frequent - if not daily - basis.

@TossaCoinToYerWitcher

Drinking and smoking is common, you absolutely should not be normalising illegal drug use (especially when a woman with kids is involved).

Not to mention that there's drinking and there's "drinking". When people say that someone "drinks" they're not usually talking about the odd small glass of wine in the evening. Its usually shorthand for getting totally bladdered on a frequent - if not daily - basis.

You've taken the words out of my mouth.

People are unlikely to note n
someone is a drinker if it's mild to moderate.

Hi there,
We've had a couple of reports of derailment of this thread, just popping in to note that?

Thank you all for the replies. It has helped me understand the situation better.

I have just one last question....

If he cheats on her again, should she be told or just not get involved?

My gut tells me someone should know the truth but if that truth has already been presented once before and wasn't a deal breaker then maybe highlighting a repeat offensive would just be meddling.

I’d definitely tell her a second time yes