OK I've posted here before about dire relationship history and I need some information please 🙂.
Brief background -
I'm nearly 47. Have a history of emotional and physical abuse. One parent is dead and the other I've had no contact with for 10 years.
Prior to this, I had 'boyfriends' but they were all very short term and abusive including one long term 'relationship' with a man who was my best friend at school - very compatible as friends, no compatibility as a partner. Relationship was loveless and sexless (aside from functional sex to conceive). We lived as friends/housemates until this itself became toxic and he fell in love with someone and we split up. We've always remained amicable and have co parented well.
Losing one parent/going no contact with the other and my relationship ending all happened with a few weeks of each other 10 years ago. It gave me a real chance to start again and I felt so free and light!
When I was a teen/young adult, I had no idea what a relationship looked like. I would argue and verbally fight with boyfriends. I was always on the defensive. If they weren't cruel or unkind, I felt apprehensive and on edge, like I was waiting for it to happen because that's all 'love' had looked like to me. For many years, I believe that if someone was shouting, hitting, snarling at me it meant they felt something but I knew it wasn't love at the same time. I think I was just seeking proof that i was unlovable to everyone. Kind, gentle, 'loving' men made me feel a bit angry and repulsed because it meant they didn't care. I treated them with contempt because I didn't believe anyone could love me or have feelings for me so I believed they were almost mocking me by being with me and had no self respect. I felt shame and embarrassment for them. I ended up completely internalising the idea that I was fundamentally unlovable and behaved and treated others accordingly. I had no empathy. Being in a 'relationship' with my best friend worked because there were no 'feelings' attached to it. Through therapy I've learnt that 'love' can be problematic - we can end up craving it but also be repulsed by the idea of it.
When it all ended 10 years ago, I realised things had to change. I'd previously had counselling and therapy but I was always looking for answers they were never going to give me (eg why was I unlovable? How could I become loveable?) It hadn't occurred to me that I'd become that way through life experience. Nothing they said made sense to me and I felt frustrated by it. I decided that needed to change.
I had therapy. I've had several lots of therapy since. It's helped a lot but there are somethings I've still not managed to overcome.
And I've still not become loveable!
I'm kinder than i was, to myself and others. I've learnt and developed empathy. Many people have described me as the kindest and loveliest person they know. My children are hugely empathetic and have been recognised for their kindness and emotional maturity many times so I know I've got that sorted.
I take time for myself. I have hobbies and interests now - i have self care sorted.
I overhauled my appearance. Physically, I'm attractive. I see that and it's recognised by others - I have that sorted.
I'm sociable and approachable now - I have friends, I go out, I talk to people. I appear/am (?) confident and self assured. People warm to me - I think I have that sorted.
I still get asked out by men. But I've never had a fulfilling or successful relationship.
I understand part of that is because I'm older and there are fewer men out there but I meet single men, I get asked out, I date... but i still haven't managed to progress to a relationship. And no one has ever fallen in love with me.
I keep being told I need to let myself be vulnerable. And, tbh, I don't know what that means or would look like. Being vulnerable when i was younger meant weak. It meant people (my parents) having ammunition against me. I battened down the hatches and have fought my way through life. In the past 10 years, not aggressively. But quietly. Raised voices terrify me. I don't 'argue' with anyone.
I find it difficult to express my needs because my needs were never important and it feels demanding. But most importantly, I don't know how to be vulnerable. Or what it means.
I'm no longer in survival mode. But it's like i don't know how to 'live'.
What does being vulnerable look like?