Am I doing the right thing?

[Endoftheroad21]

I need someone to tell me I’m doing the right thing. My partner is an alcoholic. I only discovered this about 6 months into our relationship when we started living together. I said I would stay if he got help. He did get help and did not drink for 2 months. He said he would then only drink socially. But here we are 2 years down the line and he is drinking in the house on his own most days. He’s not drinking as much as he once was but it’s still way too much. I would estimate at over 100 units a week without fail. I’ve told him Im leaving him. But I feel so so guilty. I feel like if I leave he will go even more downhill. I do love him and I know he loves me. In general we have a good life but it’s so hard to see him drinking as much as he does. Long term surely he can’t sustain the amount he drinks? He manages to keep a job and to the outside world he can keep up a pretence. But behind closed doors it does affect our relationship and I worry about his health.

Like many posts of this type its mainly about the alcoholic.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Did you yourself grow up seeing alcoholism and heavy drinking?.

You may well love this man but his primary relationship is with drink and his thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from. Alcohol is a cruel mistress and this is a relationship that is going nowhere for you except downwards. Two years on you need to ask yourself the awkward question as to why you did not leave 6 months into this relationship. It was never a question of he seeks help and from that he would quit drinking altogether as you have perhaps supposed would happen. There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism.

He may well be "functioning" but for how long now?. He is not really functioning and you're basically propping him up. He could well go onto lose everything and everyone around him and could still choose to drink afterwards. You have choices to make and you need to make better ones re him than what you have chosen to date.

Why do you feel guilty here?. This may be all a part of you being in such a codependent and dysfunctional relationship. I doubt he feels guilty as to how he has treated you. Do you really have a good life with him; I doubt it very much. He spends probably most of his day drunk or on a comedown from alcohol.

The only person who can help him here is him. He got some help but these efforts of his were not maintained. You've also told him you were going to leave but have not followed through with this and you are still there for your own reasons. You are really as caught up in his alcoholism as he is and you're still there playing out the usual roles associated with such people. Your roles here are enabler, codependent partner and provoker (because you never forget). Being like this neither helps you or he and you enabling him gives you a false sense of control. You also need to get off this merry go around named denial before he continues to drag you further down with him. You do not mention children thankfully; do not ever have a child by him.

Getting support from Al-anon for your own self is a must do; at the very least you need to read their literature. I would also suggest you read a lot more about codependency in relationships because that is really doing you no favours either. His needs are not more important than yours.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for your reply. No I never grew up around alcoholism or heavy drinking. When we got together it wasn’t a co dependent relationship. I didn’t know he had an issue. By 6 months we were living together and cracks started to show. By this point I loved him and had started a life with him. And the fact he did get help and stopped drinking made me want to stay and give him a chance. He is high functioning so I do get something out of this relationship otherwise I wouldn’t be here. We get on great, he supports me in things too, we do normal coupley things. But the drink is a poison dripping into our relationship which is why I’ve said I have had enough.

It is a codependent relationship and an unhealthy one. The best thing for you indeed here would be to end this relationship altogether.

This is further going one way now - downhill.

Do not get bogged down further in your sunk costs; it was a sunk cost fallacy that kept you in this relationship in the first place. You decided to continue with him despite the fact he is an alcoholic because you had invested both time and effort. .

It should not be a concern of yours how he will manage going forward; he managed before you met him. You are not responsible for him and his choices, only your own.

Do you really get on great and do normal "coupley" things; I cannot see how this is really possible when he is more often than not drunk or on a comedown from alcohol. You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship because neither approach works.

You must not feel guilty for walking away. That is never a good reason to stay in a relationship.

He is a grown adult with a drink problem (and by the way, it is likely much bigger than you think it is - I've been there). If he wants, he can seek professional help in overcoming it. If he doesn't want, then he will remain an alcoholic - no matter whether you are there or not - and it will likely get worse.

Why on earth should you feel guilty for not wanting that for a relationship?

Only he is responsible for whether or not he gets help. If you think that he'll suddenly start drinking more if you leave, then a) that's his decision not yours and b) you could look on it that by staying you are enabling his current relationship with drink / covering up for him, and that by leaving you might force him to seek some help.

Is he feeling guilty for all he's putting you through? I suspect not. Or if he is, he's still not doing anything about it. So why should you - the one who hasn't created the problem - feel guilty?

Please do what's right for you. It's so sad when alcohol ruins lives. Don't let yours become collateral damage.

@layladomino thank you for your message. I guess I do feel guilty that if I leave he will drink even more. When you say you’ve been there, do you mean with yourself and drink or a partner and drink? He has previously attended AA but said that going there made him feel like he was nowhere near as bad as others, there were stories of people going missing or waking up in bus stops and he’s high functioning so he can maintain a seemingly normal life.

I've been in the same place as you. I know it's a difficult decision to make, but I know it was the right one. I had DCs too, and I needed to leave for their sake as much as mine. It had got to the point where it was starting to affect my own health / wellbeing, and I needed to get back 'me' for our DC.

I thought I would feel more guilty than I actually did in the event. I know that sounds harsh, as this was someone I had loved for many years and had some great times with. But I also knew I had done everything I could to encourage them to stop drinking, and that I would never succeed.

I was not in control of his drinking and never would be. I was not responsible for his drink problem and couldn't be the one to stop it.

@layladomino is he still drinking do you know? We don’t have kids together but do have ties.

I can't say too much as it may be outing, but I can say that me leaving didn't change his habits either way. And he didn't blame me.

Great advice above.

He is ruining his life.

Don't ruin yours.

You will if you stay.