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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

People with ADHD partners, help!

26 replies

MissConventionality · 05/09/2021 21:07

Oh man. What to do. I am so so pissed off this time. He's not always like this but when he is, it's ALWAYS a massive mess because he can't organise anything but won't accept this!

I've been waiting for DH to build a stud wall. For months. All he did was buy the expensive big saw and feel like he'd done enough towards it for now. I said I'd employ someone. Oh no, he was going to do it. All weekend, he's been fucking around, but today he decided he would crack on when I was out with the kids. Naturally granting himself half hour breaks after every pieces of wood he drilled into place, I've got a frame built in 8 hours which has taken 11 pieces of wood.

BUT!!! My massive kitchen cupboards have been dragged away from the wall and discarded in the middle of the kitchen. My clean laundry has been whisked off the table onto the floor and everything from the shelves that came off the old wall has been shoved onto the table, breaking several pieces, including the centrepiece from our wedding. Also, a massive mishmash of tools is mixed in with it all- Stanley blades, screws, you name it. Not just there. All over the kitchen floor, all over the cooker! And I can't even get to the cooker now, there are massive sheets of plasterboard in front of it. He's cut all this wood in the utility room with his fancy saw which is still in the middle of the floor. All the surfaces are covered in sawdust, all the kids clean uniforms for tomorrow are covered in sawdust. And when he tried wedging a piece of plasterboard into a small section just after we got home and broke it, he turned around and savagely bollocked DD for "pissing him off"
and making him break it! Actually screamed at her to fuck off out of his sight!! I was livid. I still am. She was in bits over it- all she wanted was to know if she could get a biscuit from the cupboard! Our other DC were staring at him in shock and I was just boiling more and more with rage when I looked at the absolute fucking destruction.

Because I told him he was way out of line and needed to apologise immediately to DD and clear some of this away so we could move safely around, he totally lost all enthusiasm for the wall, and has left EVERYTHING and sulked off to bed. Said he's overwhelmed and needs to clear his head. I said he broke precious things by slinging them to one side, threw all the laundry down on the floor, messed up the kids school uniforms and has left me with an absolutely impossible situation to manage tomorrow when I need to get three children and their lunches ready for school! He snapped "oh, so there's no 'well done' for me then?"

No there damn well isn't!!! Well done for refusing to let me hire someone, considering absolutely nobody in the house, making our home unliveable, upsetting DD, upsetting me, refusing to take ownership of it and leaving a huge fucking mess!!!!! Well done for getting round to hammering eleven bits of wood into a frame after six fucking months of having wood waiting for it.

I'm so angry. So, so angry and so fucked off with him and his inconsiderate ways and how he thinks he can just say "I'm overwhelmed" and he gets to completely bin off anything he doesn't want to do.

OP posts:
shapes1 · 05/09/2021 21:11

F

Wombat96 · 05/09/2021 21:12

Not the partner but...

I'm banned from DIY.

It's the only way not to end up living in a permanent building site. That said, I still have a destroyed cloakroom.

I feel your pain.

pecanmix · 05/09/2021 21:16

Op I have an adhd husband, but the rage doesn't compute for me. I don't think that's the adhd, I think that's just him being a knob. The disorganisation and chaos and faffing, yes.

violetbunny · 05/09/2021 21:16

I have an ADHD partner, but I can't imagine him ever behaving like this. The issue doesn't seem to be his disorganisation so much as his behaviour - taking out his frustration by screaming abuse at people isn't on. It's not an ADHD issue, it's an asshole issue.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 05/09/2021 21:16

Hire a professional.. He doesn't get to decide imo.
And go dump the dc's uniform on his head..
Then go take a shower /bath /walk and clear your head....
Similar boat op.. Always their feelings that take priority...

Doifollowrule · 05/09/2021 21:18

You're completely right to be annoyed, most people I know with ADHD (including me) know they are walking disasters and feel terrible about it. And I wouldn't attempt a task like that anyway, any kind of project is probably not going to get finished, so why start and about myself and everyone around me?! He's being a knob. Unfortunately he might need the clean up/repair breaking in to smaller steps... But you're married to him, you're not his mum, so not sure what the answer is.

HosannainExcelSheets · 05/09/2021 21:19

Leave him. I was living in a similar situation and I cannot tell you how much happier I am having left. My DC are happier too.

Your DH is using his ADHD to be a controlling, aggressive dick. He blamed a child for his own error. He can't accept responsibility. He undoes your hard work. He won't let you get on and get things done...

Unless he's willing to seriously work on his behaviour, and really change things, then you can't have a functional relationship with someone like that.

MissConventionality · 05/09/2021 21:22

Exactly what I've said to him this evening- I am
not his mother! I shouldn't have to be marching into an adults room and pointing out to them why they should say sorry to their own child and to their other children who had to hear their dad suddenly swear at their sister! Still sulking. So I sent him a screenshot of why the silent treatment is emotional abuse and another about why it's not as embarrassing to say sorry as it is to have everyone think you're an arsehole, but he's still totally huffing and sulking. I've told him, I will not have it turned around so someone else is in the wrong just because it will make him feel better. If he feels like a twat it's because he is one

OP posts:
MissConventionality · 05/09/2021 21:25

@HosannainExcelSheets

Leave him. I was living in a similar situation and I cannot tell you how much happier I am having left. My DC are happier too.

Your DH is using his ADHD to be a controlling, aggressive dick. He blamed a child for his own error. He can't accept responsibility. He undoes your hard work. He won't let you get on and get things done...

Unless he's willing to seriously work on his behaviour, and really change things, then you can't have a functional relationship with someone like that.

The thing that pisses me off about this is that he will apologise- not in words, but in gestures and not until it's done some damage. He's never gone off screaming like this before, but he's snapped at me when he's got himself in knots with something he insisted he could do and instead of saying "I'm sorry, it's not your fault, I'm just not coping with this thing I'm trying to do" he will leave it for days and then turn up with my favourite wine or a book and be extra loving and helpful. It's like he cannot bring himself to say the word sorry. His mum says his dad was the same. Learned behaviour I expect, but I don't want our children learning it!
OP posts:
HosannainExcelSheets · 05/09/2021 21:51

He's not apologising. He's exerting control again and reeling you back in. It's another pattern of abusive behaviour, using gifts to try to excuse what they did rather than own up to it, admit it and deal with the reason for the mistake. He just wants forgiveness without any repentance.

BabyRace · 05/09/2021 21:56

I disagree with the previous comment about exerting control. I experience real periods of rage that I find it very difficult to control. My DH pulls me up and I rarely apologise but I do change my behaviour once its been brought to my attention.

Get someone to build the wall ASAP. Adhd and DIY do not mix. And once he's out of his sulk, sit him down and explain your feelings about why he must apologise to the DC.

MySqueeHasBeenSeverelyHarshed · 05/09/2021 22:10

People with ADHD tend to be extra sensitive to rejection, so instead of thinking your problem with what he's done is "she's angry that I messed up" his reaction is "she's angry because she thinks I'm a terrible person". He knows he needs to apologise but apologising means bringing up that 'terrible person' feeling and it's easier to avoid that by tiptoeing around it.

Ultimately he needs to take responsibility for how he copes with the task, with fitting the task into the running of the house and with his reaction to fucking it up. I have that same tendency to let projects take over the house, avoiding things I really need to get done because I just 'freeze' and being blind to things that aren't current-project-related but I have done my own research into managing these and I have systems that work for me (mostly involves corkboards, sticky notes and multiple alarms and timers). What he's doing isn't working and he needs to find a better system instead of thinking it's going to be different on its own. They do say the definition of madness is doing the same thing expecting different results.

Mrstwiddle · 05/09/2021 22:15

Just wanted to empathise.we bought a house that needed major renovations. Should never ever done that with a partner who had ADHD, the amount of stress has been unbelievable. Over 3 years later, still nowhere near finished.

MissConventionality · 05/09/2021 22:26

@Mrstwiddle

Just wanted to empathise.we bought a house that needed major renovations. Should never ever done that with a partner who had ADHD, the amount of stress has been unbelievable. Over 3 years later, still nowhere near finished.
😭😭

Years here too!

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/09/2021 22:29

And when he tried wedging a piece of plasterboard into a small section just after we got home and broke it, he turned around and savagely bollocked DD for "pissing him off"
and making him break it! Actually screamed at her to fuck off out of his sight!

I have ADHD. This isn't ADHD. It's being a cunt who bullies kids.

CanICelebrate · 05/09/2021 22:35

I have ADHD. This isn't ADHD. It's being a cunt who bullies kids.

Flowers I genuinely feel for the OP’s situation but this thread is actually a little offensive as adhd=dickhead/aggressive etc is strongly implied.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/09/2021 22:37

@CanICelebrate

I have ADHD. This isn't ADHD. It's being a cunt who bullies kids.

Flowers I genuinely feel for the OP’s situation but this thread is actually a little offensive as adhd=dickhead/aggressive etc is strongly implied.

Yeah it does feel that way. It's not an excuse for abusive behaviour and is misrepresented as people being angry / intolerant / impatient too much. Manifests differently in everyone. I've known absolute cunts who happen to have ADHD. But they aren't cunts because of it, they're just both.
HellonHeels · 05/09/2021 22:43

How dare he swear at your daughter! He is abusive and it's not because he has ADHD. Your poor children should not be exposed to his abuse.

What will happen if they go to school and report that daddy screamed at them to fuck off? That is terrible

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 05/09/2021 23:06

OP yes there are things about a project like this that could be difficult for someone with ADHD. That's not the same as saying his behaviour was because he has ADHD. He behaved like this because he's abusive and feels he has every right to take out his feelings on his family. That's not a trait of ADHD and if it was all because of his ADHD, surely as a half decent person he would now be horrified by his actions, be genuinely apologetic, taking full responsibility and have rung his GP for an urgent appointment to be referred to an anger management course or therapy. Whereas I expect what he's actually doing is still blaming everyone else and if he did apologize it would be the type of apology that goes, but actually it's all X fault because they made me angry/disrespected me insert whatever inane excuse he gave.

Think about it OP, if you behaved like this would you be appalled at what you'd done and seeking help? I know I would be. He's like this because he's an dickhead not because he has ADHD. My non ADHD H has done similar, not as bad, and it's done a lot of damage to us all. Your DC are going to be worried this will happen again and you won't be able to even tell them it won't, because he's not going to even try to fix his behaviour.

Jarnss · 05/09/2021 23:34

Ok, we can all agree that ADHD and DIY don't mix.

OP, take control and tell him tough shit, the wall is being done by a tradesman. End of.

People need to chill reading this. Some pp are going a bit too far. Yes him telling DD to fuck off out his sight is bang out of order, no excuse. He needs to say sorry and explain to DD that he was not angry at her and he was wrong to take his anger out on her. But to call him abusive and tell OP to leave him? Over 1 fuck off to DD?

It's horrible, but he is human and was frustrated. If he swore at his DC all the time then yes, leave him. But one time, during a stressful time?

I once told my DS to fuck off to bed. Yes, I did said sorry to him after.

Gosh, I heard a mother tell her son he was pissing her off the other day in Sainsbury's. Maybe I should have called the police.

Sometimes this place can be bloody stupid. Meanwhile, a mother screamed in her babies face on here and was given nothing but support in the comments.

OP, YANBU to be angry at him. Yes, I know this is not AIBU.
The kitchen can be tidied up.
The washing rewashed.
The School uniforms can be put through a few rinse cycles and dried.
I know it seems out of control at the minute, but calm down, get him to say sorry to DD and then do the above to sort the mess out.

He needs to sort this out, but the blame game will get you nowhere. He knows it's his fault. Give him the tools to fix it. No, you should not have to, but he clearly needs you to.

MissConventionality · 05/09/2021 23:49

He doesn't bully kids. That suggests a pattern of behaviour. He's never done this before. I've been married to him for years, I'd have been divorced from him if he was a bully to anyone at all. He's not. He was obviously in way over his head and not wanting to admit that he was. He's been talking to me for the last hour about how he doesn't want to have to bring in tradesmen, he should be able to do all of this stuff and his father was recently saying to DH that he'd never manage to do anything DIY wise in the lovely way FIL does, which is basically to imply you're stupid and a disappointment to him. I have said that's all very understandable BUT that's no excuse for the way you went off at our child! I can't let go of the annoyance of what he's done to our house yet- I'm too annoyed, but I will calm down and help him solve it by tomorrow night I'm sure. I will
not back down over how he needs to apologise to his daughter and his sons and explain to them all how it's not right to treat someone as he did and how it's not right to think you can either treat or be treated like that. Simply telling me that he feels awful about it won't solve the issue he created. Respect goes both ways and if he would expect an apology from our children if they were horrid to him, he can certainly give one when he's been deliberately horrible to his daughter!

OP posts:
Jobsharenightmare · 06/09/2021 00:25

People who can't say sorry and then change their behaviour for future are very emotionally as stunted I think. Not apologising is because he doesn't want to admit to himself what an arse he was!

TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 06/09/2021 02:59

Sorry, but ”not in words but in gestures” isn’t actually saying sorry - it’s being extra nicely-nice to make you stop being mad at him, so you’ll forget all about it and let the bad behaviour pass. He’s not actually taking responsibility, is he?

CanICelebrate · 06/09/2021 06:30

@Jarnss

That’s such a sensible response Smile

Shoxfordian · 06/09/2021 07:02

Tell him you’re hiring someone to fix it today, and discourage any other projects like this he might be thinking about doing. Has he apologised yet to your daughter? He’s acted like a knob

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