Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friends won't accept new partner

30 replies

Lovelymonkeyninetynine · 05/09/2021 20:11

So STBXH and I were friends with a couple for years. We split amicably last year and both have new partners.
Out friends won't talk about or show any interest in our new love interests. I don't understand, I'm really hurt that i can't share this part of my life with them. My ex feels the same!
Has anyone had this? I know I don't need their approval but it's weird pretending I don't have this part of mr life when I see them!

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 05/09/2021 20:14

Ask them why. If they feel uncomfortable, fine - at least you know.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/09/2021 20:16

That’s very odd. What reasons have they given as to why?

bamboocat · 05/09/2021 20:23

Mutual friends do sometimes get a bit funny when people split up. Introducing new partners into the mix changes the whole dynamic.

Original poster
Lovelymonkeyninetynine · 05/09/2021 20:23

All they've said is it feels strange that it's someone new. It's such a big change and maybe too soon? But that's not their call to make! They are not big fans of change

OP posts:
dovesandroses · 05/09/2021 20:24

Maybe because it's a new relationship there're not expecting it to last, even if they thought that they should still show interest and wish you well.

AudreyTattoo · 05/09/2021 20:24

Really weird they won't even let you talk about your new partner...I'd get it if you wanted him / her to be like a replacement in the group immediately, going out for big nights out or on holiday or whatever, but to not even want to talk about them is quite odd I think?

GertietheGherkin · 05/09/2021 20:30

I guess they were friends with you and your STBXH, but don't want to be friends with your new partners. It means they've gone from being friends with 2 people, to now be expected to being friends with 4 people. They probably also don't feel happy about arranging social meetups with 4 extra people. Before it was two couples, it changes the dynamics.

Original poster
Lovelymonkeyninetynine · 05/09/2021 20:33

Thanks for your insights. I guess I would arrange a meet up now and then in a year but certainly not all the time! I just wanted to be able to tell them about him is all! It's a big part of my life and we normally share everything including information about relationships etc

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 06/09/2021 00:39

I think sometimes people can feel a bit unsettled when long-term partners in their friendship group split and they can then project this onto you. They might feel annoyed that you've unsettled them like this or even feel like this has made them think about their relationships. There could be some envy that you were able to make the break and move on if they feel stuck on their relationships.

Good friends with reasonable self awareness would recognise that they are doing this are risking pushing you away but not everyone will.

KylieKoKo · 06/09/2021 00:41

@Lovelymonkeyninetynine

All they've said is it feels strange that it's someone new. It's such a big change and maybe too soon? But that's not their call to make! They are not big fans of change
There's a level of weird entitlement in this. Almost like they feel you have let them down by making a decision about your own life.
HeddaGarbled · 06/09/2021 00:58

I do have a bit of sympathy with them. You were couple friends for years. That will have built up over time, not happened instantly. Now, just because you’ve moved on quickly, you’re expecting them to do so too.

They’ve lost something that was important to them.

You’re all excited because you’ve got your exciting new lover. They’re not. They’re wary and a bit bereft.

New couples, especially when those couples have emerged from the ashes of a bomb going off, can be a bit oblivious to the fact that not everyone is as thrilled about it all as they are.

Give it time.

QueenBee52 · 06/09/2021 01:46

do you need them accept your new partners ?

does it affect the relationship? are these genuine friends.. or perhaps not..

I'd consider a new friendship group if they persist in this exclusion of your partner.. 🌸

OurMamInHavianas · 06/09/2021 08:24

@Lovelymonkeyninetynine

Thanks for your insights. I guess I would arrange a meet up now and then in a year but certainly not all the time! I just wanted to be able to tell them about him is all! It's a big part of my life and we normally share everything including information about relationships etc
If you all have been sharing information about your relationships, maybe they are uncomfortable that you might now be sharing that information with your new partners, who are essentially strangers to them.
SeriouslyISuppose · 06/09/2021 08:33

I don’t see why you find this confusing. They were longterm friends with you and your ex as a couple. Now not only do they have to see you separately, which was presumably not the previous dynamic, but you’ve introduced two strangers into the mix, so they’re dealing with two different sets of social occasions rather than one, both involving people they don’t know and may not necessarily like.

Viddy2021 · 06/09/2021 09:53

Real friends are happy to see you both happy and they adapt. People who have gone through divorce know how hard it is to handle these things with their children - having to deal with friends' reactions as well is an additional burden and immature on their part - this isn't secondary school. Id be happy at the chance to meet a friend's new partner. Another explanation, however, could be that they dislike the BF and are cloaking it otherwise to not upset.

AudreyTattoo · 06/09/2021 09:57

@Viddy2021

Real friends are happy to see you both happy and they adapt. People who have gone through divorce know how hard it is to handle these things with their children - having to deal with friends' reactions as well is an additional burden and immature on their part - this isn't secondary school. Id be happy at the chance to meet a friend's new partner. Another explanation, however, could be that they dislike the BF and are cloaking it otherwise to not upset.
I also wondered this. It's the only thing I can think of which halfway explains it. I get them not wanting a ready made new best mate they have no choice in selecting. But that isn't what op is suggesting. She just wants to talk about him / her and have the chance to go out together as a couple.

Could it be they've made up their minds about him already op?

layladomino · 06/09/2021 10:01

It's their problem, not yours. IME good friends are happy to see their friends happy. And will make efforts to get to know new partners.

It's possible that they are having their own problems, and seeing you and your ex separate, move on and now be happily in love with someone new is an uncomfortable reminder that they aren't as happy as they should be. They would rather you had styed unhappily together - misery loves company.

Of course that is pure speculation and could be nonsense - I'm just trying to consider this could be about something you know nothing about.

If they just don't like change (and think you should have stayed unhappily together??) then that's on them. Just avoid for a while.

JoanOgden · 06/09/2021 10:01

They may be feeling rather bruised by your divorce (did you lean on them for support?) and not entirely in the mood to listen to you gushing about your new partners? As someone else said, give it time.

AudreyTattoo · 06/09/2021 10:05

It's possible that they are having their own problems, and seeing you and your ex separate, move on and now be happily in love with someone new is an uncomfortable reminder that they aren't as happy as they should be. They would rather you had styed unhappily together - misery loves company.

Oh that's a point. Could be that? Bit harsh of them if it is.

Could also be Joan's theory and they're struggling to keep up if you went from leaning on them for support to blissfully happy overnight. But since it was a friendly divorce, this seems less likely.

Clearly all speculation though and maybe you need to talk to them or else maybe they aren't the friends you thought they were and it's time to move on or see a bit less of them, sadly.

Original poster
Lovelymonkeyninetynine · 06/09/2021 19:16

This is really helpful. The theory that they dislike bf can't be true though as they know nothing of him! Certainly never met him as I can't even talk about him in front of them! They only know his first name.
I think it makes sense that we were all a close friendship group and they are grieving this. I get that but tbh no one has grieved that more than me Sad

OP posts:
SeriouslyISuppose · 06/09/2021 19:19

@Lovelymonkeyninetynine

This is really helpful. The theory that they dislike bf can't be true though as they know nothing of him! Certainly never met him as I can't even talk about him in front of them! They only know his first name. I think it makes sense that we were all a close friendship group and they are grieving this. I get that but tbh no one has grieved that more than me Sad
How do they stop you talking about him? Do they literally say ‘Stop talking about New Boyfriend?’ How do you respond?
QueenBee52 · 06/09/2021 20:19

@Lovelymonkeyninetynine

This is really helpful. The theory that they dislike bf can't be true though as they know nothing of him! Certainly never met him as I can't even talk about him in front of them! They only know his first name. I think it makes sense that we were all a close friendship group and they are grieving this. I get that but tbh no one has grieved that more than me Sad

then these are not friends....

friends don't treat friends like this ..

Original poster
Lovelymonkeyninetynine · 06/09/2021 20:24

So they have never asked anything about him which is weird as they are very interested in others and at rne weekend we spent ages speaking with another friend about her new relationship with them.
If I mention his name it's literally silence!

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 06/09/2021 20:38

@Lovelymonkeyninetynine

So they have never asked anything about him which is weird as they are very interested in others and at rne weekend we spent ages speaking with another friend about her new relationship with them. If I mention his name it's literally silence!

Honestly...

sounds like YOU have been ostracised from the group.. you just haven't noticed 🌸

AudreyTattoo · 06/09/2021 21:01

Tbh op, it seems to me as if they're more focused on keeping their group the way they like it than they are focused on your feelings and being a good friend to you.

Basically, they don't sound like great friends, sadly.