How to move on from emotionally abusive/narcissistic relationship?

[PolarSmile]

Over the course of a few months I've become more and more 'enlightened' that my partner is emotionally abusive and a narcissist. We don't live together so in theory moving on is easy...but would love to hear how others did it/experiences?

Over the past couple of years he's lied about money, his job prospects (as in pretended to have similar income to me and that we'd buy a house, actually he has debt). I caught him cheating (once) he begged me back (his world was ending if he lost me ) soon enough he was back to gaslighting, triangulation with his ex etc. He always makes various promises about the future that never happen, eg that we will book a holiday together, then he will claim the next few months are 'too busy'.

I earn more than him and his life can be a bit chaotic, but he treats me with disrespect often. Of course, all the selfish behaviour is interspersed with him being very loving, attentive, future faking etc which is why I fell for him originally. It's just taken me a long time to see the lies, manipulation, silent treatment etc.

Others who have moved on - did you just 'slow fade', find yourself busy etc? I don't think telling him it's over is a good idea, it would probably trigger a big emotional fallout and him trying to manipulate me to stay.

I actually think it can be relatively easy to end a relationship with someone narcissistic if they show the typical IDD cycles (which it sounds like yours does). If you can wait it out until he does the next inevitable discard and just let him go, then refuse to answer any messages from him (block if you need to), it will create less rage than if you start with the discard yourself.

Obviously if you want to end it and walk away then do so, but generally I think with these types of people it's a case of letting the trash take itself out.

Thanks @GreyPaw I'm probably just being devalued atm, he rarely discards as I think he sees me as a good insurance/security. I suppose I am best just being quiet and letting him find someone new, which he may have already, I've lost the will to be interested in whether 'friends' he mentions are likely love interests or he's just triangulating.

I laughed at 'let the trash take itself out'! It's been a very soul destroying and draining experience being with him.

I've been there, it's awful. And the problem is that with the hot/cold behaviour there's a chance you'll be trauma bonded and find it harder to pick yourself up afterwards.

How long have you been with him? He's likely to go for a discard in time, when he senses there is someone 'higher value' around.

Thanks, been together two years. Yes pretty sure I'm trauma bonded. It took me a long time to see his pattern of behaviour. I suspect I'm quite good 'value' to him as I've always been very kind and compassionate, plus stable financially. I've realised though that he has no intention of a committed future (plus having seen through his behaviour, nor should I want it).

I don't think telling him it's over is a good idea, it would probably trigger a big emotional fallout and him trying to manipulate me to stay.

Ah, see, this is the crux of your problem. You feel a sense of compassion for and obligation to take responsibility for the drama he creates around his feelings, but the fact that he can't take deal with his own feelings in the way healthy people do is why he's emotionally abusing you in the first place. And the fact that you take too much responsibility for managing other people's feelings is how you ended up in a relationship with a manipulative fucker like this in the first place - take it from someone who has been there.

You need to understand that the breakup drama is just another form of his emotional abuse, and you are 100 percent entitled to say NO to it. It does not make you mean or cold-hearted or responsible for him throwing himself off a bridge if it comes to that. You are not his saviour from the bad feelings that arise in him when you tell him you no longer want to be with him because he lies to you, future fakes, treats you with disrespect and otherwise shows himself of being in a healthy mutual relationship. You're just not, no matter how much he insists you are.

I know it's hard to get your head around because you have a lot of empathy and would hate to be dumped and cut off, but the truth is you are dealing with a psychologically unhealthy person and you are not responsible for his wellbeing. You are responsible for one person's wellbeing and that person is YOU. The fact that he can't see his own problems is NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO SOLVE.

You are fully entitled to end the relationship if you're not happy, which you know you're not. You don't owe him a relationship. You don't owe him a relationship if he promises to change. You don't owe him a relationship if he says he can't live without you. You don't owe him a relationship because he's got mental health problems that he thinks can only be fixed by the love of a good woman. You don't owe him a relationship full stop.

My advice would be to get super-clear in your head about the reasons you want to leave. Organise to meet him somewhere that you can leave when you need to (a cafe or public place, certainly not his house or yours) and prepare a short speech, like, "Bob, I need to talk to you. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've realised I'm not happy in our relationship, and I don't believe I ever will be. We've had a lot of issues (insert reasons if you want) that you're well aware of, and I've decided I just can't move past them. So I would like to break up. I'm sorry, I know you will be disappointed, but I have to do what is best for me."

That's it! That's literally all you have to say. If the manipulations and promises to change and accusations that you're heartless and uncaring and all the rest of it commence, keep these phrases in mind.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is what I want and I'm not going to change my mind."
"I do care about you but I don't want to stay in this relationship."
"I know you feel you can change but I'm not prepared to give the relationship another try."
"I'm not going to argue with you... I've told you how I feel and I would like you to respect that."

You may have to repeat these a lot, and when you do, keep in mind that the reason you need to repeat them is his inability to accept your feelings and desires as valid – the exact problem that is is at the heart of your relationship issues. The more he goes on, it's just more evidence of his issues. Remember that he's not saying it out of love – his actions have clearly shown that he doesn't really know what love is – he's saying whatever he's saying because he can't stand not being in control of you.

If he threatens to hurt himself, you can say
"I really don't want you to do that, and if you truly feel that way I think you should contact mental health services or a friend and get some support. I'm afraid I can't give you that support though."

At the point where you feel you've had enough of the conversation, you can say, "I know you're feeling very hurt and upset right now, but I don't think continuing to talk about this is helping. I'm going to leave now. It might be a good idea to call a friend or something if you need to. I think it would be best for us both to have some space to process, so I'm not going to answer my phone for the next few days."

Then, leave. (If you think he might try to follow you, you could organise to have a friend close by to meet.) Then that's it! You're done!

Of course, he's going to try to contact you afterwards. In that case, just reiterate your need for space, and keep remembering "I am not a bad person for expecting him to deal with his own feelings." I am pretty sure that at some point he will escalate to threats and more attempts to change your mind, at which point you can say, "We've broken up, I understand it's hard and you're upset but the way you're behaving is unhealthy and disrespectful. I've told you I am not going to change my mind, and I am not prepared to continue to speak to you unless you can respect that."

If he disrespects you, block him. And spend your time reading about self-love and overcoming co-dependency. A big part of your journey will be about learning healthy ways to take care of your own emotional wellbeing and see your needs and happiness as equally important as everyone else's – and how not to assume responsibility for taking care of someone else's emotional wellbeing.

@CheekyHobson wow that's so helpful, thank you! It makes sense that his protests about breaking up are from a panic that he's lost control of me/the situation. As if he genuinely loved me he wouldn't keep going through these cycles of intermittent 'love' and then devaluing me, belittling me etc. He may well have someone else he's seeing or lined up, so perhaps he won't pursue me much at all, I probably know far too much about him, whereas she will be new to his ways.

Yes, I think one of the biggest mindset shifts to make when exiting a relationship like this is to truly grasp that the person you have been with has a genuine mental health condition, where whenever they feel bad about themselves because they've made a mistake or done something wrong, or they feel anxious or not in control, they find it impossible to tolerate those feelings, so their mind automatically grasps for ways to 'eject' and 'project' those feelings by almost instantly inventing reasons that make you the 'bad person', or by resorting to lies, threats, evasions in order to get you, the person they see as responsible for making them feel better, to do whatever they feel will stop their anxious feelings.

It's a set of psychological defense mechanisms that are so ingrained they can basically not even really recognise that they are doing it at the time, which is why they seem so self-righteous and assured of their own position when they're doing it, even when the shit they're saying isn't logically coherent. They 'feel' self-righteous, so they act as though they must be right.

In days or weeks afterwards, when they have calmed down and gotten some distance, they can usually grasp to some degree that they've fucked up, even if they don't clearly understand how or why. But most narcissists are not prone to much self-reflection (also some literally have memory lapses and don't clearly remember what happened) so they never get to a stage where they're capable of recognising they need professional help and seeking it.

In fact, the one thing that most consistently helps them get to the point where they seek professional help to address their issues is when people they have manipulated into providing them with emotional support wake up, refuse to accommodate their toxic behaviours any longer, and they can't find willing replacements.

So in a very real way, the most compassionate thing you can do for this guy is to stand up for yourself, explain simply and clearly what his unacceptable behaviours have been and why they've ended your willingness to be in a relationship with him, despite his other good qualities, suggest he seeks help, and make him face real consequences for his actions. He will not see it that way, of course, but he's not mentally well, and you're not his therapist. Make yourself your priority. Not him.

Oh - also, don't bother explaining all that to him, of course, he won't accept it. Just stick to saying "I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm belittled and insulted and cheated on and lied to, and regardless of whether you feel or say you can change, I am not prepared to trust that you can or will. I've reached my limit. If you're serious about wanting to change, I think getting professional help would be very good for you, and I sincerely hope it will help you have a better relationship with someone in the future. But that person is not going to be me, I'm afraid."

Advice pls

Sorry I’m not sure how this works so may have posted on someone else’s

@CheekyHobson I have to say that's the best advice in response to this type of thread I've ever read on Mumsnet- I hope it helps you OP, it's certainly opened my eyes.

Thank you!

@frazzledd So happy to hear that! I was in an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship for a long time and for years felt confused and frustrated by the way that he often seemed to be selfish, demanding, inconsiderable and argumentative but whenever I objected or tried to address an issue (no matter how nicely), the conversation would become adversarial and increasingly chaotic, and would end with me being blamed for being 'too sensitive', anxious, impossible-to-please etc, or him saying 'Okay FINE, I'll try to do better' in a tone that conveyed he absolutely didn't think he needed to but just wanted me to shut up.

It took a loooot of writing down our arguments pretty much line-by-line, reading about relationship dynamics and reflecting on how the concepts showed up in regard to our interactions before I clearly got how it works and realised actually, I wasn't causing the problems at all (though by accommodating him and taking responsibility for things that weren't actually my responsibility, I was perpetuating them). Once you get it, it's life-changing.

*inconsiderate!