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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

slow leak

4 replies

loupiots · 05/09/2021 15:34

Being in a relationship that isn’t necessarily bad but is also unfulfilling is a weird place to be.

We have been together for over 20 years, through thick and thin, but we’ve never really grown as a couple. We both come from fucked up backgrounds which accounts for much of our behaviour.

It struck me today as DH has been (overnight) at a sporting event that he has worked hard to complete and was a big deal for him, but our interaction about it was so tepid. He had to leave early and I got up to see him off and I said: ‘good luck’ and we fist bumped - ffs – the idea of a kiss or a hug seems ridiculous. He didn’t tell me when he finished and I didn’t contact him either. He facetimed to say g’night to the children but we didn’t talk as a couple.

I feel like we’re business partners – do you know what I mean? Our children are the capital and we’re both committed to making sure they are ok and it grows. That’s fine and I understand that this is it – we don’t have enough of a reason to break up and devastate the kids. It’s just so perfunctory.

Sorry, no real reason for this thread – I’m not even particularly unhappy – maybe bemused that this is where I have ended up. We aren’t unkind to each other (for the most part), but I do feel like it’s a slow leak of happiness and purpose in my life, but that feels both selfish and unrealistic.

OP posts:
Mynextname · 05/09/2021 15:49

I can see where you are coming from. Like you both just don't appreciate each other like you used to. The spark and intimacy is lacking. You have both lost a bit of interest.

I know most people would say leave life is too short but actually of all the situations a long term relationship could be in this is definitely one of the better ones. Yes, you both need to spend quality time together not just once but regularly. No you don't need to endlessly talk about what is wrong and missing. This will make it worse. You just need to make REGULAR and SUSTAINED time to enjoy each other again. Plus you both need time for you aside from the kids.

It won't make things better over night but it will help.

I think many people would love to have your relationship to work on rather than their own. You aren't doing as bad as you think x

NatashaRf · 05/09/2021 16:10

I think it's great you're seeing this and wanting it to change.

Maybe chat to your DH about it.

I'm sure most long term relationships have similar periods - you can't stay in the honeymoon period forever and life gets in the way so often.

I do think often there needs to be some "fake it til you make it" moments too. I know I need to remind myself with sex that I do really enjoy it, but often life gets in the way and then a couple of weeks have passed and we've gotten into the habit of no intimacy. So then it seems a big effort to fit it back in, but we're both so glad when we do.

We notice the cycle ourselves now rather than it being an unspoken one and also now DC are older make time for us to go on dates too. As for so many years we didn't.

loupiots · 05/09/2021 23:15

Writing it down and seeing your responses made me initiate a talk and boy, we both had a lot to say!

I feel a lot more hopeful tonight.

Thank you :)

OP posts:
Soozikinzi · 05/09/2021 23:21

Aww that's brilliant isn't it . Well done for that !

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