Compatibility and Lifestyle

[Lomita277]

I have just started dating a second person (the first was nice, but no spark and he was a bit needy).

This new person is relatively young, took an early retirement, and informed me in a text after the first date that he has a condition which prevents him from driving (although he seems to be doing some other strenuous DIY stuff etc). He seems very nice (only dated twice, lots of texting) and is soft spoken, polite and respectful.

I know I'm totally overanalysing everything too early but I really enjoy my own home and my own company and I am not planning on taking down any of my boundaries for a new person. The thing is: I am independent and work long hours. He is free every day all day. He is close to a few friends none of whom have partners or are married and they do loads of travelling.

Also, the driving thing: he was very good about making his own way to meet up and refused when I offered to drop him home. But, some of my girl-friends pointed out, maybe he was put off the road or his license confiscated. I have no reason to believe that apart from his talking about partying and drinking when he was much younger.

I am willing to give it a chance and I know that after the second date I am not going to find the answers to all the mystery. But I am a little worried because I am a person who can be a bit too forthcoming with information and sharing and I feel that I really need to hold back here.

did anyone have a similar experience to this ?

I'm not quite sure what you're asking here OP, are you asking if the lack of a driving licence is a red flag?

I can only speak from previous experience, tread very carefully with someone who mentions they partied hard when they were younger and now doesn't drive if they used to drive before (I'm not sure if he used similar phrasing to "partied hard" but an ex of mine used to use it as a euphemism for coke and alcohol binges which subsequently got him disqualified from driving as a result of a DUI).

Also do you think he has enough to keep him occupied during his early retirement, if you mention he's free all day every day?

I think I was a bit vague with what I was asking, Timetable99 but your answer did clarify the DUI issue. I was a bit taken aback that he didn't address the driving issue in person (it's pretty significant here where I live). To be honest, and it's my fault for not freely expressing my lack of approval, I didn't like the stories about partying and drinking. I don't approve of that lifestyle although I am willing to believe that it's something he no longer does. My ex used to talk about that all the time too.

Secondly I wonder how well a relationship will work when he is free and I am not. I can't be texting and communicating during the day when I'm working. I'll probably need to tell him that more clearly (I have been reading the baggage reclaim posts recommended to me on mumsnet and they are great at identifying and setting boundaries). I was mostly interested to see if there are any couples here who have a similar lifestyle and how it works for them.

I think it's useful to know what you are and are not willing to accept about a potential partner before you get in too deep with someone and risk clouding your judgement, so great that you're exploring your boundaries now at this early stage.

I would suggest you express about your texting frequency first, and continue to get a feel for any other issues which may come to light a bit later, and try not to get too invested straightaway. I'm quite biased when I say this, as my ex only revealed the DUI and previous coke addiction a year in (he was very open about most other things), but it's an example of how very nice and gentle people can still hide issues from their past because they feel shame/fear of how they'll be perceived.

First off I would ask him to specify what the condition is. If he has a condition that causes fits or for him to pass out his license would have been revoked on medical grounds.

He could have a medical condition that prevents him from driving , eg diabetes or epilepsy . Might not have anything to do with alcohol?

I hope my DS having epilepsy and not being able to drive doesn’t put off too many potential partners.

It could also mean his eyesight has deteriorated and isn’t good enough to drive. This happened to a doctor friend of mine - she just gets the bus now.

You sound very suspicious op, why is that?

If he's good at sex then I'd keep him on as a FWB, but a partner who can't/refuses to drive is always going to be a burden.

I think it would be tough for a working person to date a retired person. It seems like the retired person would want to date another retired person, so they could do retired people things.

This is very strange. Why don’t you go on some dates and see what happens. I imagine at some point you will find out why he has no license and whether you are compatible
It seems like you have already invented a story in your head of why this won’t work and therefore won’t even give it a chance. Poor guy. Maybe he has seizures. Maybe he has a really rich and full life and is off on adventures and isn’t just waiting around for your calls