I need to get out but am scared

[rageagainstbing]

My OH and I have a pretty rocky relationship, lots of arguments with no real resolution. If it weren't for the kids I'd have gone a long time ago.

I'm at the point now where I can't do it anymore, there's so many issues with us and I haven't got the energy any more to fight for us. I gave up trying to communicate as he talks over me and makes it all about me and what I do wrong.

What scares me is how angry he always is. He's made threats before to take the kids away and I've read enough threads on here to know that it's not an easy process to get them back. I've done 99% of all childcare and I worry that if he did do this they wouldn't be looked after and would be frightened.

I don't know how to do it. I don't want to leave the house, it's a rental but perfect for the kids. Plus I'm only PT working so it would be hard to find somewhere else. But I don't know where he'd go, there's nobody nearby who could take him in.

I just feel so stuck.

I empathize op as I have been in a similar situation and it does make you feel trapped as there is so much to think about with children involved and housing etc.

Have you any family you could temporarily spend some time with?

You should not at all worry about where he will go. Why are you wondering about where he would go at all?. Ask yourself that question. He deserves no such consideration from you, he has not ever given you any and furthermore behaves abusively towards you.

Threats to take the children away are often made by abusive men to keep their target i.e you here in line. It works and that is why he says it, he knows that they are your achilles heel. He does not give a toss about the kids either, let alone you who he also hates. Men like this too hate women, all of them.

It is for the children that you need to plan your exit now and with care and attention. They won't say thanks mum to you for remaining with him in such a toxic environment.

Can you contact Womens Aid here; you can actually go to Boots and contact them that way too.

He does hate women, he's made it very clear. I've had to remind him many times that he has daughters.

Even this morning he was yelling at our 2 year old son for not getting dressed. He hasn't a clue how to deal with them other than the Disney dad routine he puts on which would wear off pretty quickly once he had to deal with the actual parenting. But I worry that he's bitter enough to prove a point.

I can hope that he might go quietly but if not I'll have to go to my mums which is really a last resort but is there if really needed which I'm grateful for.

It's like he's an angry child sometimes, I can reason with my 3 year old better than him. It's baffling. He'll suddenly be ok again despite saying he wants to leave. But it's all my fault apparently even though I've had years of false accusations thrown at me for cheating and for not wanting to have sex with him.

I need to call his bluff this time and say that I want it to be over and mean it.

Ugh.

I know how you feel. Completely. I stayed with my ex way too long because of similar threats. My Dsis too. She contacted her local refuge and because they considered it domestic violence (the arguments and how he would throw his weight about) and coercive control (threats to take the kids away) they gave her a room there until a court agreed to contact only in a supervised contact centre because of his threats.

You've done the right thing posting on here. You will get moral and practical support and advice. Keep talking to us.

Have you sought any legal advice? Without telling your OH, talk to a solicitor to see what your position is. Tell them what you've told us about his abusive behaviour and his threats to take the children from you. Tell them you are frightened of him.

You don't have to tell your OH what you're doing until you have your plans all in place.

Are you able to get support from people in real life? Anyone who would help you through the tricky bits and help you deal with him?

You are doing the right thing, for you and your children. You will be much much happier without him.

Thanks all for the support, it means a lot.

He's turned again today after playing all nicely yesterday. I fell asleep after work while he was with the kids and he went mad. He needed me to change DD nappy but DS was asleep. So basic parenting that I have to do every day without help basically.

I had about 3 hours sleep last night between DD night terrors and DS early wake up this morning and am dead on my feet. He napped on the sofa this morning and did fuck all to help in the house while the kids were at nursery. Like I'm some kind of skivvy who is expected to do it for him.

He won't let me speak, he just shouts over me and repeats himself over and over in my face. He threw a cup across the kitchen which broke, luckily the kids were in the garden so didn't see it but they're clinging to me so they know something is up.

He's taken them out now for a drive - I tried to stop him but he's twice my weight and I don't want to scare the kids.

I'm so done 😭. He's going to find somewhere else to stay tonight thank god but this needs to be permanent.

I think it boils down to the fact that I'm away this weekend for the first time since the kids were here, he's never had to look after them alone before and he hates that I'm going to spend time with my friends and actually enjoy myself and not be responsible for the first time in over 3 years. Looking back he often does this if I'm meant to be going somewhere nice or celebrating.

@layladomino

You've done the right thing posting on here. You will get moral and practical support and advice. Keep talking to us.

Have you sought any legal advice? Without telling your OH, talk to a solicitor to see what your position is. Tell them what you've told us about his abusive behaviour and his threats to take the children from you. Tell them you are frightened of him.

You don't have to tell your OH what you're doing until you have your plans all in place.

Are you able to get support from people in real life? Anyone who would help you through the tricky bits and help you deal with him?

You are doing the right thing, for you and your children. You will be much much happier without him.

He's blocked most people from his life TBH, he's not speaking to lots of his family and his friends last a little while but not that long before they're out of favour for one reason or another.

He gets on well with my mum but I don't want to drag her into it.

I'll ring a solicitor when I get paid to see if there's anything they can suggest if he does threaten to take them. We don't own our home or are married so that's two things I won't have to deal with at least.

"I'll ring a solicitor when I get paid to see if there's anything they can suggest if he does threaten to take them."

There is such a thing as a prohibited steps order - more information is available at this link: www.simpsonmillar.co.uk/media/prohibited-steps-order-explained/

What does he know about the kids? If you're doing all the childcare there is no way he will get custody of the them - abusive men love to say that they'll convince authorities that you're 'crazy' and an unfit mum but their lies will unravel in a moment under scrutiny. I know the thought is terrifying but he's remarkably unlikely to get anywhere. How many Drs appointments has he taken them to? Does he know what their favourite food is? etc You have said yourself he wouldn't be able to look after them and I think that would be pretty easy to demonstrate.

Best of luck moving on - you can do it!

I would definitely contact Woman's Aid.
He has anger issues and is making it difficult for you to leave.
It's a horrible situation to be in, l hope you get much support and good.luck.