Struggling in marriage

[S12M]

Hi,

I have been with my partner for 13 years married for 10 and have 2 small children. We have had some great times together, he is very hands on with the kids and does a lot around the house. However, our issues are that we are so different and want such different things from our relationship, I just can’t see how to make it work. I am emotional, sensitive and love spending time with my family and friends. He is logical, practical and removed from his feelings. He has a difficult relationship with his dad and lost his mum when he was young. He can be cold and shut down and is also very good at arguing, as in he’ll argue a point, however petty, for ages till I back down. I believe there have been elements of emotional abuse from him that I’ve recognised from posts on here - stonewalling and gaslighting. He also complains about everyone and everything which drives me mad.

He has a ridiculously strong sense of being a ‘good man’ which at the moment is all about providing for our family and being a good dad. He does nothing but work and spend time with the children, not seeing anyone else or doing anything by himself away from us. I try to encourage him to take up a hobby or meet a friend for a drink but he refuses. He has admitted that our relationship is not a priority to him - our family (ie the kids) come first and he doesn’t have the time or energy to work on our marriage. He does not like to make decisions with me - either he makes them on his own or leaves me to the things he’s not affected by, e.g. childcare when I return to work.

I arranged a couple of nights out recently for some time together but he was still pretty distant on them and nothing changed after. I have asked him to have counselling and he said he’ll look into it but nothing has come of it.

I am in a real emotional muddle - am
I just a fantasist and too impractical, is he right? Or is it possible to have a loving marriage with good communication while raising 2 small children and keeping a roof over your head? Should I just accept that my emotional needs will not be met in this marriage and give up trying? He would not give up on the marriage without a real battle that exhausts me even to think about.

Thanks for reading!

You can do much better than this crap. Of course this is not normal. A marriage takes two to participate and he's not in it.

It's completely possible to have a family AND a loving relationship. Leave him.

Hi, if none of your emotional needs are being met, I’m afraid you will begin dying from the inside out. Your H comes across as fundamentally a good man but cold emotionally, and controlling. He seems driven by duty and is unable to recognise or certainly handle in any way, not only his own feelings but yours as well. Emotions for some men are irrelevant or too hard to understand or deal with. If you decide to ‘box on’…..crickey that’s sounds pretty grim doesn’t it? But if you do, then building a social life separate from his to give you some lightness?

He does come across as lacking both in understanding and empathy, both of which of course are emotions. I don’t see him as your soft place to fall, and don’t we all need that at times? Good luck, try and get him to agree to couples counseling, it just might be the answer.

He would not give up on the marriage without a real battle that exhausts me even to think about.

It only takes one person to end a relationship.

I would look at the practical ways to separate and tell him when you have your plans made.

He WOULD give up because unless you've never told him how you feel then he sort of HAS given up hasn't he?

It's not up to him.

If you've had enough then that's that. There doesn't have to be a battle...even if he's looking for one.

If he's been emotionally abusing you, Women's Aid will advise you on getting a non-molestation order which means he'll have to leave the property....by law.

Call Women's Aid OP.

Look at this link. It explains Non Molestation orders and Occupation Orders.
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/domestic-violence-injunctions/

Have you said to him being a good family man is about how you treat the children's mother as well as everything else?

He lost his mum young, so won't have the same memories of family times together. If you could get him to look at this one issue to start with might things progress for the better?

He has a sense of duty which is a start but sounds so stunted emotionally, perhaps the teachings you would get from a mum, could you write him a kind letter saying, when you said X it affected me Y.

Tell him that you see a dutiful man and with a bit of trust and perhaps counselling you can see an amazing family man and husband who would enjoy life much more.

I know it's not your job to fix him, but he doesn't sound like the biggest cock in the world either, just wondering if you could find your happy ever after, but it seems he needs to address losing his mum young for this to happen.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/books/2021/aug/07/on-earth-4000-weeks-so-why-lose-time-online-distraction-oliver-burkeman

Above is a link to a new book that has come out I haven't got it yet but it looks inspiring.

This article is how we get distracted by the internet (hands up guilty here) but the rest of the book looks more balanced over all aspects of our lives.

Might be good for you and/or him to think about how you want to live.

Sounds a bit like my husband. He's a good man and a brilliant father etc but I wouldn't go to him in a crisis. He'd never be on my page emotionally or even on my team, he's far to practical and just focuses on a solution rather than showing empathy.
He spends so much time with the children and with the practical things in the home, I feel bad complaining but he has no time left for me and I often feel emotionally alone.

If something is too hard emotionally he will ignore it. Such as anything to do with talking about our autistic daughter. He will talk about practicalities but won't acknowledge my emotions around this and often says things like "its fine dont worry" etc when its not fine at all.

The emotional side of parenting is left to me. For example I do all the childcare finding, hed just go to the nearest and cheapest provider instead to thinking about our child's needs being met properly. He never considered that our youngest will need wrap around care or that uniforms need buying and labeling and these jobs are left to me, but he will remember to pay the bills and sort the mots for example as these are obvious and in his face.

I don't have any advice but I'm with you op.
I lost my fire and passion in this marriage a long time ago. I will leave over it eventually. Which is sad as he's actually a good person.

We have had some great times together

Early on? What changed?

He has admitted that our relationship is not a priority to him - our family (ie the kids) come first and he doesn’t have the time or energy to work on our marriage.

Or even the interest? It sounds like he sees you as a vessel to bear his children.

He also complains about everyone and everything

IME that's common in emotionally abusive men.

I am in a real emotional muddle - am I just a fantasist and too impractical, is he right?

This is what he said to you? Putting the blame on you. No, he's not right, he's taking no responsibility for any of his behaviour which, again, is one of their 'rules'.

I agree with the PP who said losing his mother at a young age may well have had a bearing on his personality but he knows right from wrong.

It must be bad for you to have posted, S12M, and from what you say it does sound like not only will you have to accept that your emotional needs will not be met with this man but he doesn't care enough to even try. You don't have to live with that. Women's Aid are excellent to help you process the EA, they won't rush or force you end the relationship but if that's what you end up wanting to do they will help with any advice you might need, and recommendations for a SHL

Also my husband hardly ever goes out other than to work or with us as a family. He has 1 friend and has socialized probably 4 times in our whole marriage. He has no hobby other than house renovation and the kids. I encourage him. I get that some people are more introverted but he has no outlet. I'm an amateur actress, I love socializing and meeting people, I have many friends, I have a couple of other hobbies. He says I'm so wild especially with my appearance and keep changing (he was not being mean) and I was like yes I'm not boring and love to experiment with things and experiences. Except my relationship is so flat.

Wow sorry I have never admitted any of this to even myself before. Taking over you thread there op sorry.

Goldenfan, that's a big step, to say write it out loud

I wonder, do we sometimes expect too much of husbands on the emotional side, generally speaking? (apologies for generalising).

Would it be a better idea for most women in this kind of situation to stop looking to a husband for emotional support, which so many men are not good at providing it? How about having a female friend or two for close emotional support, and being happy about the things that your husband can do and does well.
If a man is genuinely a 'good man' (i.e. honest, basically kind, not lazy or selfish, takes responsibility, etc. etc.), then why leave him just because he is not also your emotional support?
It is nice if a husband is also your best friend - but do you believe that is a requirement of a relationship?

It is never a good strategy to put all one's eggs in a single basket, so expecting a life-partner to be everything you need is not sensible. It is against-the-odds that any one person can be and do everything you want.
The question is, does he tick 'enough' boxes? Is there a real deal-breaker here?

@Beancounter1 that is interesting and makes a lot of sense.

He can 'not give up' on the marriage all he likes but it really isn't up to him. As pp said, it only takes one person to end the relationship. And I think you probably should.

I wouldnt raise my kids in a household where they are taught that it's ok for a man to treat his wife coldly, to turn everything into an argument and to basically, ignore her needs.

Thanks for all the replies - very balanced and a lot to think about!

@Goldenfan I’m really glad to hear from you and yes your situation sounds very familiar! Sometimes reading about someone’s relationship makes you realise things about your own.

@Beancounter1 I understand your point of view - I’ve done this for over 10 years! I have lots of friends, good family and a good social life. I don’t rely on my husband that much emotionally as I have support elsewhere. But when he is cold towards me out of the blue it makes me want to give up .

@frozendaisy I agree with all your points! I do think he ‘means well’ most of the time and does care in his way. I think there is deep set fear from him about losing what he has and deep down I feel sorry for him. But we have had this conversation/argument so many times I suppose you have to just give up at some point 🤷🏻‍♀️

And thanks to those that suggested Women’s Aid. That feels like a scary step to take but talking to someone neutral would be a great help for my muddled brain.

He would not give up on the marriage without a real battle that exhausts me even to think about

He has given up on the marriage. He just wants you to keep living with him.

From experience. don't persuade him to get therapy. To have any chance of working HE needs to have decided he has issues he needs help with. If you 'make' him go he will just use the therapy to support his own narrative and point of view.

You are clearly unhappy. You need to decide if you want to remain unhappy.

@S12M

And thanks to those that suggested Women’s Aid. That feels like a scary step to take but talking to someone neutral would be a great help for my muddled brain.

My solicitor suggested it, I only went to be seen to be doing the right thing. The first thing I said to my support worker was "I don't think I should be here". She said everyone says that and in 99.9% of cases they should.

I did find my first visit a bit scary (fear of the unknown but also the thought that you need such an organisation ) but they are so lovely and understanding, definitely worth giving them a call, S12M.

@Beancounter1

I wonder, do we sometimes expect too much of husbands on the emotional side, generally speaking? (apologies for generalising).

Would it be a better idea for most women in this kind of situation to stop looking to a husband for emotional support, which so many men are not good at providing it? How about having a female friend or two for close emotional support, and being happy about the things that your husband can do and does well.
If a man is genuinely a 'good man' (i.e. honest, basically kind, not lazy or selfish, takes responsibility, etc. etc.), then why leave him just because he is not also your emotional support?
It is nice if a husband is also your best friend - but do you believe that is a requirement of a relationship?

It is never a good strategy to put all one's eggs in a single basket, so expecting a life-partner to be everything you need is not sensible. It is against-the-odds that any one person can be and do everything you want.
The question is, does he tick 'enough' boxes? Is there a real deal-breaker here?

I used to think this. And because I thought this I stayed in a bad marriage. A marriage where, over the years, I felt more and more invisible.

If someone cannot provide basis emotional support then this is because they cannot really see you as a person. And who wants to stay in a relationship like that?

What the poster above is basically saying is that marriages can be practical arrangements only. Most people will find that inadequate and it can become intensely lonely, alongside the slowly eroding effect of not really being seen or known by the person you share your life with. Please don't underestimate the destructive effect of that.