I have terrible fear of abandonment, I don’t know what to do.

[Ididit83]

I was abused for over a decade. I intellectually understand a lot and have read loads but I can’t help but have this feeling.

I understand when I met him he created lots of situations and shame in me and over the years he made me hate myself as much as he hated me. I guess this is why I couldn’t leave. Now I understand there was nothing wrong with me and my needs were part of me and I ignored and hated them.

I am in a relationship and I still have this feeling like if i say I’m not happy about something he will hate me. Then it’s a slippery slope to why would he even like me, then perhaps I should end it to stop this feeling. I’m sabotaging a good thing because I need reassurance that he likes me when this should just be a natural thing. Im scared if I tell him and he sees me he will not like it. I have created a brilliant facade but it’s not the real me.

What should I do?

Sorry you've been through this.

Can you afford therapy?

Definitely therapy.

Is there nothing I can do in the meantime to confront this. I know where it has come from, my mum. When I am triggered I feel so lost.

There's a great book called "Love me don't Leave Me" by Michelle Skeen that I bought a few years ago when my fear of abandonment was ruining my new relationship. It really helped me to understand those feelings and I was able to start the process of moving past them.

@Ididit83 hugs, I’m exactly the same. I sympathise, it’s a hard thing to deal with.
Pm me if you want to talk x

I know I post this link a lot but it is very relevant to your situation;

www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

It will give you a start, but I agree with other posters - therapy would be very helpful.

It was just that you said you've done a lot of reading and intellectualising, so the self-help stuff has only gone so far?

EMDR is supposed to be good for PTSD triggers and trauma responses, so it might be worth looking into that, whether you can get onto a waiting list for it or go privately?

You could also try to get support/signposting from NAPAC?napac.org.uk/

For your current situation in your relationship, you need to try to believe that it's OK to have needs and not just smile through if there's an issue.

What sort of things are you afraid to say you're not happy about with him?

If you're pretending to be something you're not, that is unsustainable.

Attachment disorders are common in people who have had a primary career who is unreliable or abusive. Talk to your GP or if you can self refer into MH services, and talk to your partner about your feelings, even though you know they aren't rational it is important to acknowledge what's going on in your head so that you as a couple have a chance of dealing with it.

It’s so embarrassing I’m 38 not a child. Me ex husband has made this so much worse.

Just think - you could have this sorted by the time you're 40. Wouldn't that be amazing?!