My 'condition' is really starting to get me down!!

[Sarz1991]

So I've posted on this before about having genital herpes with the last 8 years. But it's really been getting me down since I finished with the guy (5 months ago) who gave it to me 8 years ago.
Thankfully I got out of a sexless (from my side) trapped relationship but now I also feel trapped because it is starting to get serious with a guy I've been on 5 dates with, and I'm also seeing a guy who I've been on 2 dates with. He wants to see me again Tuesday for dinner and he also invited me down to his for a night next weekend for a few drinks and food.
So anyway what I'm trying to say is I fear telling the more serious guy in particular because if he doesn't accept it then I am just going to feel seriously down about it. On the other hand I feel extremely restricted in the sense that I can't just enjoy a night of sex with a guy I fancy and have been on a few dates with. Because who's to know if either of these potential relationships work out in the future regardless of whether I have an std or not. But yet I am still putting them at risk by sleeping with them. I just feel so trapped.
And I don't need people telling me it was my own fault. Actually I never knoew my partner had it but neither did he. I would just like some nice words of encouragement as to how I go about this torturous ordeal that I have myself in. To sum up I have not had sex with either of these guys yet but it just bothers me that I can't just have a bit of fun without worrying. Also I just know that the less serious guy that is 28 will not want to invite me up to his when I tell him I have HSV2 (maybe I could be wrong!) , o the other hand I do think the more serious 34 year old who is REALLY into me might accept me more so than the other guy, bit who knows😥

I personally wouldn’t go 5 dates without telling someone. Because at that point you start to build a connection and gain feelings and you might be more disappointed if he doesn’t want to continue dating. I would tell him sooner than later OP

As long as you are not having an outbreak atm and use protection I don't think it'll put them off tbh. Guys are rarely fussy about sex. It might make a long term relationship harder to find but I'm sure one of them at least will be up for helping you with a jolly good rodgering. Try not let it get you down too much op. Though I do think you should perhaps have told date 5 guy by now.

Personally I think you need to tell them, and before you get to the bedroom, and let them decide themselves.

And yes some guys will probably decline.

@JustAnother0ldMan

Personally I think you need to tell them, and before you get to the bedroom, and let them decide themselves.

And yes some guys will probably decline.

Then o hope they would also decline sex with any woman who’s EVER had a cold sore . Hsv1 ( usually on mouth abd affecting around 80peecntnof the populations ) and hsv2 ( usually on genitals ) can and do infect either area . I was reading recently that many herpes infections are caused by hsv1 People can shed the virus without symptoms so the fact is that anyone who’s ever had a cold sore could give them herpes on their genitals if oral sex is performed even without a cold sore present . People are just extremely ignorant about it abd there’s a stigma that’s so ridiculous with genital herpes which is ridiculous

If you just want some sexy without worrying about explaining then their are sites
Many people with hsv see it as a good screening tool for people who are serious about them . If a guy cares and wants a relationship he’s going to take the time to read up on it and understand it not just go off stigmas and assumptions
Is there a group or sexual health counsellor you could talk to

Hmm I’m not sure I agree with these comments, my sister has genital herpes and it’s definitely put most guys off, it’s been so bad that she now doesn’t want to tell anyone until they are “serious” because how many get put off after they find out, not saying I agree with her and I know she should tell them.

I'd wait until you've built some type of relationship with them before telling them. That means forgoing sex for awhile.
He's more likely to be receptive to the news if he's invested in you.
Then just explain and medication you take and precautions you take.

@RantyAunty

I'd wait until you've built some type of relationship with them before telling them. That means forgoing sex for awhile. He's more likely to be receptive to the news if he's invested in you. Then just explain and medication you take and precautions you take.

I agree with the last 2 comments. And just to update about the 2 date guy who wanted to meet me this Tuesday for dinner and also invited me up to his house for dinner and drinks next weekend (obviously with the intention of sex afterwards). Well I just had to message him and say that sounds good but I have to be honest and say bla bla bla. So that was 10pm last night when I disclosed to him. He was out with his friends in the pub having a few drinks so maybe not the best time to tell him. And he hasn't replied...yet. Now I'm not too bothered but I was still hoping he might accept it. Maybe he just still has to mull it over. It's more yhe 5 date guy I'm shitting it about!! He is seriously into me but he's the shy type of guy that I think might wait to ask me to be his girlfriend before we have sex. But maybe not, he might ask me up to house before that. However although I am into him, I do need to go on 1 or 2 more dates to really see am I as into him as he is into me, and obviously before disclosing to him. Oh and another thing that bugs me too is the fact that if he's ok with my disclosure but it turns out he's not great in bed!! Oh it's just all a big ordeal that I can't handle at the moment 😔

Let's face it, most men are shit in bed the first time round. Some of them can take direction though. If he's the sort of man who seems attentive and listens to you then that's a good start. And if he isn't pushy 5 dates in then that's another good sign.

@Pinkbonbon

Let's face it, most men are shit in bed the first time round. Some of them can take direction though. If he's the sort of man who seems attentive and listens to you then that's a good start. And if he isn't pushy 5 dates in then that's another good sign.

Wow!!!! A big update! I was shaking before opening date 2 guys message which I just received a few mins ago

"Hey sorry didn't get back to you last night.. how about we go for a meal Tuesday and we can have a chat about it then if you feel comy doing that?" I am actually super shocked like but pleasantly surprised 😮

That should say "comfortable" not "comy"

OP, I think you need to have a disclosure speech planned. And do it in person ideally, rather than by text.

Talk about how common it is, transmission stats and how you can protect them.

1 in 10 has hsv2.
6/10 has hsv1.
4/5 are asymptomatic or have symptoms so mild they go undiagnosed.
FtM transmission of 2% using condoms and/or antivirals.
Nhs doesn't test for hsv as standard (so you can talk about whether he knows his status).
Private blood testing not being v accurate and returning a 3 in 10 false negative (to show that you can do everything right and still not know).

You could talk about 'genital cold sores'. It might be less scary terminology, and isn't disingenuous, especially given 70% of new genital infections in the UK are now caused by hsv1 (that is transmission through oral sex).

You could ask whether they have ever had a facial cold sore, then explain you get them in a different place.

Speak to the herpes viruses association. They will be able to give you lots of advice and information.

Just saw your latest post. That's good news and shows he is open to learning about hsv.

That’s a great update! I imagine he may have thought about it, done a bit of research and decided you’re worth pursuing a little more.

Op many many women with this meet people marry have kids etc
If you meet someone who’s concerned and doesn’t care to learn about it they were not serious about you - no loss

There is a massive stigma about herpes
I just got a friction related OB
Problem is when you say it , it sounds so awful
Yet I never gave to my ex
My friend has never caught from husband

Two options are to get on the antivirals full time
And don’t laugh but coconut oil
It’s got antiviral properties and is a fantastic lube
When did you last have an outbreak ?

Coconut oil applied on the outbreak? Or as a preventative?

Both
So I use as lube and when cycling
I forgot to take on vacation and my bad !

And I use when I have an outbreak
This last one is abating and I’ve taken no meds
Just the oil and drying it out x

Stupid me thought I had thrush
Denial , but there we are

Update on the 3rd date with 2 date guy who I disclosed to and he was willing to see me again.
Unfortunately the date didn't go great, I felt quite awkward because of the disclosing and we didn't end up talking about it at all! Now there wasn't as much of a spark there as the last time and not because of my status. We don't have much similar interests, he didn't dress up nice like he did for our last date; he was a bit scruffy looking and the conversation just didn't flow like the last time. I am also going through a spell of not feeling attractive the last few days and I felt self conscious thinking that he didn't think I looked as nice as I did on our last date. But silly thoughts aside I just feel really bad that he drove out forcan hour to meet me abd he got a drab date in return, purely because I didn't have the guts to discuss my status as we had planned. I did think that he would say something like "Hey so do you want to talk about what you mentioned to me?" , but he never did, maybe because the date was drab from start to finish so he didn't see the point! Any thoughts on this as I'm not feeling great again about this and now I feel that saying it in person is more necessary than through text🙈

Research Magnesium and outbreaks. Try taking 400 mg daily of “Doctor’s Best” elemental magnesium glycinate. Don't take magnesium that's not bioavailable eg magnesium oxide. Waste of time and money. Best of luck!

L lycine is also your friend and should help prevent outbreaks.