When one of your parents had an affair?

[lbpie]

NC for this as some of the details might be identifying.....

If one your parents had an affair that ended the marriage what for you think about them and did it impact your relationship?

My exH had an affair when I was pregnant and it continued for the 1st year of her life before I found out.

Dd is now 8 and oblivious to what has happened. She's clearly way too young to know and in fact i don't know if I'll ever tell her the full truth.

However, we live in a small village where everyone knows as well as both sides of our families. Due to some of what happened it was quite a big scandal in our small village and there's not many people that don't know so it's hard to imagine that she will never find out!

Just now he's playing happy families with the OW and while I've never said a negative thing about either of them to my Dd, she's already asking why THEY don't like ME!!!!

Hopefully the details won't come out or if so she'll be much older but I'm really worried about how it would affect her if it does.

If you've grown up with this dynamic how did you feel when you found out?

I can imagine either:
A) it'll be so far in the past by which point she'll have a stable relationship with her dad and his partner. She'll see it as water under the bridge and not a big deal, just accept it and move on
B) think less of her dad and his partner (if still together) and would this potentially cause a rift?

I'm really really keen to limit the impact on her as much as possible

30 yrs ago and...

I found my mother a difficult character so don't know how my dad got on so well with her as long as he did. Not saying that my mother was to blame for the affair, just that I understand why there was marital breakdown.

My dad has been successfully married to someone else (not the OW) for 25 yrs now. Step-mum is a lot like my mother but hugely kinder, more cheerful.

@lljkk that's interesting! Hope she'll never see me that way!

Both of my parents had affairs. I don't think I took too much from their affairs, but to be honest that's probably because they were abusive and we grew up in care, and they died before I was a teenager. It put me off marriage a bit, but it faded over time and I am now married.

DH's dad had an affair. He refuses to talk to DH about it. It has affected their relationship. DH was 7 at the time of the affair, and only has a couple of memories of it... his parents don't reference it, they got back together and pretend it didn't happen. DH wanted to talk to his Dad about it before we got married, but his Dad point-blank ignored it. DH and his Dad get on fine, but don't hug or anything. There's definitely lost trust there... It has made DH feel very strongly about cheating, and not wanting our kids to feel like he does.

I don't think there's a way to guess how your DD will take it, though.

I am aware my Dad had an affair. It hasn't changed how i feel about him at all. I don't imagine my mum was a saint either. They were and still are unhappily married. If anything the fact my mum brought it to my attention and dragged me into it made me think less of her and not him. Or at least equal. I also don't think she is particularly easy to live with.

Marriage and relationships are complex. Shit happens. Parents aren't perfect or saints. They make mistakes. I have compassion for both of them. I dont think an affair makes him a bad person. They are a symptom of something. Happy people in fulfilled relationships don't generally have them.

I think it's important to teach kids compassion and empathy about themselves and others for mistakes. Its best for their mental health and resilience in life when things go wrong. That as long as they are sorry and try to do better next time-its ok. Dad got some stuff wrong at the end of the marriage-but Hes not a bad person. Dad wasnt a great husband but is a great Dad-and thats all that should matter to her. You were made out of love unfortunately that didnt last-but i got the best gift ever out of it.

My father had an affair when I was a child. I don't think anyone ever mentioned it to me except my mother and the ow dp. 20 years on and it has little impact on my life really. Small villages tend to move on to the next scandal pretty quick and you just end up being last weeks news.

I really struggle. I love my dad but I do go through periods of not wanting to talk to him ever again. I hate his wife. She is a truly horrible person and I’ll never forgive him for choosing her to over my mum.

@romdowa

My father had an affair when I was a child. I don't think anyone ever mentioned it to me except my mother and the ow dp. 20 years on and it has little impact on my life really. Small villages tend to move on to the next scandal pretty quick and you just end up being last weeks news.

That's good it's not had too much impact on you!

I'm not expecting everyone to still be gossiping about it in years to come, I'm pretty sure it's already yesterday's news but I was thinking it might be a bit naive to assume she'll never find out the truth?

@SheABitSpicyToday

I really struggle. I love my dad but I do go through periods of not wanting to talk to him ever again. I hate his wife. She is a truly horrible person and I’ll never forgive him for choosing her to over my mum.

So sorry to hear that @SheABitSpicyToday

I'd imagine this would be how I would feel myself but it's hard to know unless it's ever happened to you

Yep - my mum left to be with the OM and they’ve been married nearly 30 years now. It was hard at the time but with hindsight my dad wasn’t entirely blameless. It has no impact on my relationship with either of them now, at least not that I’m aware of! (I.e we have mostly great relationships!)

My dad had an affair, with my mums best friend of all people (her daughter was my best friend, her son my sisters best friend and her youngest was godchild of my parents) when I was about 10. Also small village setting, everyone knew. I’m probably not best placed to answer as the hurt and upset caused by the affair was very much secondary to how abusive he was to us anyway, both physical and emotional, but I will try and separate the two!
He put her first, initially by abandoning us, of course, but he did nothing to reassure or make us feel better in the aftermath. He jumped straight into playing happy families with her and her children and if we had any negative reaction to that at all, he was vile.. or just sent us home. I think had he have been more accepting of those negative emotions, the affair itself wouldn’t necessarily have caused too much emotional distress for us, especially as my mum handled it like a queen and never had a negative word to say about either of them, she’d even say hello in the supermarket to the (truly horrible) OW.
Not that it mattered in the end. They broke up within a year because, surprise surprise, he scared her children too. Weird that, given how he was with his own 🙄
It’ll all be long since passed for your daughter, i expect she’ll just accept it as what it is, so all you can really do is listen and be open to what she is saying and feeling.

My Dad had multiple affairs during my life. Mum was often only told a long time after it ended and was so downtrodden it took her years to leave. The last affair he told me about as he needed to be 'understood'. I was 16.
He's a weak abusive man who doesn't take responsibility for his actions and that, rather than the affairs per se is why I am LC. I would be NC but I have other family connections through him which means it's easier to maintain light contact than none.

My mum had an affair. She should have left as she was miserable but I don’t blame her at all. Dad drank too much, was addicted to work and she was lonely. The OM didn’t leave his wife in the end.

I’m extremely close to mum. Dad met someone 6 months later and has been married to her decades. He’s still hard work, drinks too much, is retired now and replaced work with endless other obligations. I think he still loves my mum.

After 7 years your ex isn’t playing happily families, he’s just with his partner now. Your DD’s step mum has been in her life as long as she’ll remember, longer. If someone wants to try and upset her by bringing up her dad’s affair they’ll be acting out of spite against her interests.

My dad had affairs all the time, even after he ran off with OW he still had affairs.... he used to call my mum an old witch when i went to visit and I found it very difficult. My mum had been left a single mum with three kids when she was 22 , she wasnt nice either when I was little but on reflection she had to put up with an abusive man who treated her like shit and left her with young kids. She was happier when she met someone else and got re married, i however went no contact with my dad as he was only interested in himself, i dont think i ever received a birthday card from that man ever...

She more than likely will in the future, which is probably a lot better than being told like I was at 9. She will probably ask you or him in her teens what happened and I think that might be the best way for her to find out. So that the news is delivered gently and factually, instead of arms and legs being added.

I was going to add that your DD asking why they dont like you is an issue for me. That is odd...if they are happy as a couple their is no need for your DD to be made aware of any issues they may with you. That is shit parenting by her father....maybe they feel the need to create a narrative so that your the bad guy when your DD finds out her dad was having an affair when you were pregnant...

@AnneLovesGilbert

My mum had an affair. She should have left as she was miserable but I don’t blame her at all. Dad drank too much, was addicted to work and she was lonely. The OM didn’t leave his wife in the end.

I’m extremely close to mum. Dad met someone 6 months later and has been married to her decades. He’s still hard work, drinks too much, is retired now and replaced work with endless other obligations. I think he still loves my mum.

After 7 years your ex isn’t playing happily families, he’s just with his partner now. Your DD’s step mum has been in her life as long as she’ll remember, longer. If someone wants to try and upset her by bringing up her dad’s affair they’ll be acting out of spite against her interests.

@AnneLovesGilbert that sounds tough!

My exH and the OW didn't get together officially until 18 months ago and my Dd has known her less than a year. She was also married and originally stayed her her husband and got with my Dds dad when they eventually split (there are rumours they were having the affair the whole time - personally i have no interest in that part as I was no longer with my ex at that point)

@mynameisbrian

I was going to add that your DD asking why they dont like you is an issue for me. That is odd...if they are happy as a couple their is no need for your DD to be made aware of any issues they may with you. That is shit parenting by her father....maybe they feel the need to create a narrative so that your the bad guy when your DD finds out her dad was having an affair when you were pregnant...

His partner seems to have a real issue with me in general. Doesn't like my DD talking about me, doesn't like her taking toys or clothes to their house if I've bought them etc. No idea why they both hate me so much. I guess that's why I'm wondering how she'll feel about it in the future. For now I feel like I'm being made out to be the bad one

My brother's wife had an affair and left him for the OM when their son was about 3. My brother told my nephew when he was about 12, as he was asking why he didn't like his stepdad. I was shocked that he told him. Nephew still lives with his Mum and Stepdad and seems to have a good relationship with all the adults in his life.

My husband's Das had an affair while his Mum was pregnant with him and left for the OW. She was horrible to my husband and his sister when they were children and visiting their Dad. She eventually had another affair and left my FIL after about 25 years. My husband's relationship with his Dad is very superficial. There is a load of unspoken resentment and anger about how he behaved. I don't know when my husband found out, it isn't something he likes to talk about.