DP doesn't love me anymore.

[imjustsoworried]

DP told me that she doesn't love me anymore (both women for context).

I'll admit I begged last night but I was overtired and upset. Ironically I then spent the night comforting her because she's 'confused'.

I'm feeling a lot more pragmatic this morning. I've made a rough draft of a five year plan just to prove I can do it without her. I've been on rightmove to check out rentals. I've looked at my finances. It's over and that's that, there's no coming back from the feeling of being told someone doesn't love you anymore. And I was fine before I was in a relationship - I'm not the type who feels the need to be in one.

But fuck. Years down the drain. I'm hurting so, so, so badly. We're engaged, we were looking at wedding photographers the other day. We had so many plans for the future. And it's all gone with just a few words. I'm furious that she didn't tell me earlier, that I invested so much just to be totally fucking unloved.

I haven't told any of my friends yet. Weirdly I feel ashamed. And I can't stop shaking and I'm not sure what I'd say. I just needed to write this out and acknowledge that it's over.

Great result OP.

All sounds very sensible and it’s practical too. I hope you can both recover from this awful time and everything gets back to something you’re both happy with.

Perhaps you could do mindfulness or relaxation or something together to help with any tension that arises when getting ready to move house. It’s a stressful time too!

How old are you OP?

I'm so sorry. You had a life mapped out and that has all changed. You are going to feel a multitude of emotions.

I admire your strength in accepting the situation. You had a life before her and you will have another without her. And who knows what wonderful things that will entail.

You have nothing to feel ashamed about. Confide in your friends and let them support you. Take care

@Windmillwhirl

Fear not, you can’t have seen the latest update, they’re giving it another go and making some changes to make things better in future.

Yikes, my apologies. I should have read the full thread.

All the best, op. X

By the way don’t think of it as years down the drain. You don’t think that way when you change job or buy a different house. If you enjoyed those years, you still had those years, they didn’t go away.

Hi OP,

I think from what you've posted it's definitely worth trying to work on the relationship.

You're idea to relocate to where you both have more support seems very sensible.

A couple of additional practical suggestions.

Would employing a dog walker a couple of times a week be an option?

Also have you considered subscribing to a food service like HelloFresh or Gousto for example? I did this during lockdown when the kids were off school, DH was working from home and I was providing 3 exams a day (I felt like I was a professional caterer!). It was a game changer. Fresh "proper" food rather than ready meals, but it saved so much mental load in thinking about what to cook and shipping for ingredients (just knowing everything is in the box is brilliant). It's not cheap, but it's cheaper than expensive ready meals and more healthy.

A final point though.

It does seem to me that before your injury you we're definitely pulling more than your weight in the relationship wrt household chores.

Your partner has certainly had a rude awaking in this regard that might not have been as intense if she'd been participating more equitably in the first place.

With this "reset" and you move I would encourage you to engage in how your contributions in the future need to be more balanced as you recover.

Meals not exams!!!

The thing that would make me feel resentful, OP (if I were in your shoes) is that she's just demonstrated that when you need her to be there for you, or in difficult times, she won't be.

That would be a deal breaker for me.

Fwiw, DH had a really bad accident a couple of years ago and was unable to walk (or work) or do anything for almost a year. He relied entirely on me to do everything. And it was tough, but I didn't stop loving him, for God's sake. He'd had an accident, that wasn't his fault.

I've had long Covid and chronic fatigue for almost a year now, and he has stepped up and done everything for me, cheerfully, lovingly and without complaining.

That's what you need to do in a relationship. I agree with pp saying you've done it all for her in the past and she's spoilt. You're not a team - and it feels like once you need her (for a very brief time, let's be honest) that she resents it.

Moving closer to have support definitely sounds like a good move. Especially if it's less rural and you can get takeout delivered 😂

I do think you'd benefit from counselling. If sounds like you were taking all the mental load before your injury. That's unfair and unbalanced, and potentially infantalising for her - which won't help her career progress. Yes adhd is a hurdle, but if she has ambition then she needs to find coping strategies, and taking on household responsibilities is a good way to develop them.

Also, you've been injured for 3 months. Yeah, that's hard for both you and her. But you're supposed to be a team. You're planning (or were) to marry "in sickness and in health, for better or worse". I would not consider any further commitment until she has had some individual counselling/coaching to learn to manage her adhd and accept that she has adult responsibilities.

I hope things work out for you 💐

Very glad to see your update OP. Best of luck to you.