I need to talk to my Mum about how unsupportive she is. How do I stop it getting nasty.

[Oblomov]

I love my mum and have a close relationship with her.
But things have happened in the last year, that have come to a head.
I phoned her and told her that I neded to talk to her. I will take a day off work to drive the 1 hour to her house. It is that important.
She has been very unsupportive of me. She 'disses', criticises my husband, and our relationship, to my brother. He said things that could have only come form her.
I was due to take ds to visit her, she lives an hour way, two weeks ago. I was rushed into hospital (3 hrs away) the night before, diabetes mad, suspected miscarriage. She never even offered to take ds for the next day, when we were desperate, even though we were supposed to be with her ( dh could have easily dropped ds off, becasue her house if ont that far from dh's work).
helping out in anemergency ?
When I found out that I had miscarried, she said, ( she thinks a second child would kill my marriage, because I couldn't cope) that it was " for the best" - what an inappropriate comment. No one should ever say that. How can the loss of life, EVER be for the best ?
I have been and have told her that I have been very, very happy, even though quite a lot of shit has happened to us, in my marriage, for the last..... 2-3 yrs.9 and for the othe r-5 aswell, but very happy int eh last few years despite what life has thrown at us - weeker marriages might have crumbled. She has not been particulalry happy in her second marraige. She told me so and I cried. I feel like telling her to have a good look at her own marriage before criticising mine.
I am so livid.
I have written down a few points to guide me. To be honest I don't need to do that, becasue in my mind I have already practicised what I want to say.
But I feel this overwhelming urge to go in and rant, rant , rant, all the things off my chest.
Please offer me better advice as to how to handle this situation, so that I get the best out of it.

Sorry you are having these problems Oblomov

Unfortunately relationships with parents are not like work situations

There is no contract

Oh, Oblomov, sory you are having problems.

The only advice I can give is to try to say lots of 'I' statements

eg 'I feel hurt and upset because blah blah'
rather than 'you make me feel blah blah'.

This is supposed to stop the other person going straight into defensive mode, and thence onto the attack in return.

Good luck

don't hate me ..but...

are you sure you are in the right frame of mind (after your loss) to be doing this? is this the right time? ( for you to think about /rhetorical)you start with saying that you have good relationship

put yourself in her position

what is good for the goose most certainly isn't good for the gander as far as children are concerned

she is prepared to put up with unhappy marriage - but wants better for you - that understandable i think

also - i think its worth remembering - that if your going to your mum telling her what a huge cockhead your dp is that as your mum - its hard for her to remain impartial.

she is your mum

and you are a mum

and therefore you should think how as a mum she must be feeling.

this isn't to negate any of your current feelings - they are valid and real.

Thank you boys, I will try to do all the "I" ......
Custy, I think I have to do it now, becasue her handling of the miscarriage situation has bought things to a head and I was beside myself with anger at the phone call from my brother, whilst in hospital and some of the things she said and did? not did !
I have to tell her, that I am happy in my marriage and that I know that she loves me, and that her view of me not to have a second child, is her view, and that is fine.
But, if she loves me, she needs to see that I am happy. And if she loves me, she must see that I find her ...attitude/comments/ unsupportiveness - destructive.
And enough is enough.
I don't think she realises how strongly I feel and this must be explained to her.
She must understand, that I feel the eay I feel and if she is not careful, our relationship is going to ....
have a wedge, sour, dissintegrate somewhat.
I have to tell her how I feel.
No ?

I wouldn't, I would have little contact with her until I'd calmed down

But that's me and the way it would work best with my mother

Only you can decide

And I know it is hard, I do tell my mum when I am pissed off with dh. And thus it is hard for her to see through her rose-tinted spectacles, becasue she , as most mothersd o, only see the bad.
But we have talked about how happy I ma.
Dh says, well your mother never liked me.
That is not o.k. for me.

I am calm. I have wanted to tell her prior to miscarriage. Now, I have overwhelming urge, I have to tell her, soon.

oblomov- ao sorry about your miscarriage.x

Just wondered if you have had these issues with your mum before. Has it been just since your marriage?
Has she a tendency to be neagative at times or has this come like a bolt out of the blue?

No, what I am saying is that I feel she has always been quite unsupportive of my dh. He is very loving. Yes he is no saint. He was quite jealous, when ds was born and once I told him, I " was going to my mums" - God how she never forgets this. I think my mum thinks he is quite dominant. But then I am no wallflower. But all in all we have been together for nearly 8 yrs and I have been very happy, throughout.
But she is incapable of seeing this.
And she , when I really, really pushed her, did tell me, becasue I insisted, her views on having a second child.
But what she said to my brother - what he said to he during that phone call, and her actions of what she said " best thing" and not helping us, on that fri, - I was in Kings hospital for over a week, has made me really really mad.

ob- I think perhaps as op said you may need some time to reflect, but also take some time out to take care of 'you', rather than focussing on you mothers issues...which is exactly what they are 'her' issues.

But if you feel this is not an option and you have to discuss it then I guess it depends on what you want to achieve. You need to be clear about that before you see her.
If its just to get it out there, then you've already done the right thing i.e writing down the points you want to discuss, and as boys said earlier translating the points in your list to use plenty of 'I feel' statements.

On the other hand if you want resolution over the main sticking point which seems to be your mothers views of your husband, your marriage, Im not sure wether you will get it that easily IYSWIM and you might come away feeling all the more frustrated.

smithfield, old wise one. Yes, I want resolution. Will I get it ? probably not. But I have to tell her. I will try and be calm and not too much about her, more about me.

btw- that doesnt mean you should let her off the hook either. You have every right to feel hurt and angry with her, just difficult expressing those emotions sometimes (especially with someone so close to us like our mothers)without it escalating.
Good luck let us know how you get on.

why not write it all down in a letter? that way you can be absolutely sure about what you are saying and you won't be caught up in the heat of the moment into a row. she'll have time to absorb it. give it a few days and then meet up to talk.

I will tell her. I will let you know. Thanks alot.

Perhaps it will help to get these things off your chest. I'd think about why you are telling her how you feel, and what you want to gain from it. But if I were you I wouldn't get my hopes up you might not get the response you want. I would think carefully how you handle closing the conversation. It's easy to get into an exchange that is less constructive, and people generally tend to be defensive, speaking before thinking. I would say what you want to say as calmly as you can and leave her to digest it. Talk again when she has had chance to think. And have a plan how you will handle things if it doesn't fair well.

I agree with Warthog that a letter might be better. That way you can get it all down without saying anything you don't really mean in the heat of the moment.

Even better would be to write the letter. Leave it for a week or two and then rewrite it. You might find that you'll want to tone it down before sending it.