Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don’t know how Boyfriend feels about me, should I just outright ask?

27 replies

Ididit83 · 04/09/2021 09:23

I don’t know whether to just outright text my boyfriend to ask him whether he actually has any feeling towards me.

It’s been a year and daily I get texts about what he is doing, going to do, what he ate etc but I never know how he feels about me. I’m starting to feel awkward when I send vulnerable texts like I love you or miss you today. He will reply with a “you to” or a “do you” or an “awww”. He will never send anything to me first.

I started a thread about his behaviour in that I thought maybe he has some traits of autism etc. He does appear to and I’m not sure if he maybe doesn’t understand his feelings or how to articulate them. It’s confusing me greatly and making me question my own like should I even be wanting some loving texts from him.

OP posts:
happytoday73 · 04/09/2021 09:24

If you are going to ask... Ask in person

Original poster
Ididit83 · 04/09/2021 09:25

@happytoday73 when I have approached on the past anything about feelings he becomes
extremely anxious in person.

OP posts:
Teatimes2 · 04/09/2021 09:33

I asked my ex because after 5 years together I really wasn't sure how he felt about me because he could never open up to me emotionally. He told me he'd never been in love with me. Needless to say, that was the end of our relationship. I think you're so right to ask now. I'd never leave it this long again. I told him I loved him after a year and his response was 'I'm not very good at saying that', but I thought as time went on he wouldn't be with me if he didn't love me. This came as a great shock to me.

Original poster
Ididit83 · 04/09/2021 09:42

I hate feeling like this, not knowing but the other person seems absolutely fine. I also know the response I will get ….”don’t be daft”!

OP posts:
Polkadots2021 · 04/09/2021 09:50

@Ididit83

I don’t know whether to just outright text my boyfriend to ask him whether he actually has any feeling towards me.

It’s been a year and daily I get texts about what he is doing, going to do, what he ate etc but I never know how he feels about me. I’m starting to feel awkward when I send vulnerable texts like I love you or miss you today. He will reply with a “you to” or a “do you” or an “awww”. He will never send anything to me first.

I started a thread about his behaviour in that I thought maybe he has some traits of autism etc. He does appear to and I’m not sure if he maybe doesn’t understand his feelings or how to articulate them. It’s confusing me greatly and making me question my own like should I even be wanting some loving texts from him.

I swear in the 90s it was he's not that into you, and now it's 'he has traits of autism'. Whatever the reason OP, I don't think it's a good path to take to start with the mental health labels!
Hld40s · 04/09/2021 09:56

I understand this, it’s tough isn’t it. Mine would message he loved me, missed me etc but wasn’t very good face to face.
How is he when he is with you? Some men just find it hard to talk like that? I’m not a huge ‘I love you’ person but I am affectionate

user1471457751 · 04/09/2021 10:00

@Polkadots2021 autism isn't a mental health condition

MistyFrequencies · 04/09/2021 10:04

If after a year you don't know how he feels about you, that's your answer already, he's not that into you. Sorry it sounds harsh but I believe it's true; if he loved you, you would know.
And the trope that autistic people can't feel/adequately express emotion is outdated and offensive. Don't excuse his not expressing love in this way.

WonderWoman1234 · 04/09/2021 10:40

I recognise this too. Similar with a man I am dating. Perfectly lovely, nice times together, he is thoughtful and someone I am very happy to spend time with… but no romantic declarations. We are both older, maybe I am a little jaded with the romantic words anyway, they don’t always mean that much in my experience.

With the lack of responses, I would stop declaring my feelings as I have the fear of being needy. If you keep doing that and hoping for different response by text, I think it’s unlikely to be what you get. An in person conversation might be better. But I don’t think they will suddenly result in a big declaration of love either.

I’d just back off a bit and make a bit more space in my life for other stuff. Try and be at peace with the idea that he may not have big romantic feelings for you and if he doesn’t it’s not because there is any you can change. Sometimes that’s just how it is. It also doesn’t necessarily mean you have to stop spending time together.

You can read up about love languages too, not everyone shows they care in the same way.

Original poster
Ididit83 · 04/09/2021 11:22

I can’t really live like this tho. I like to be mushy sometimes.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/09/2021 11:40

@Ididit83

I can’t really live like this tho. I like to be mushy sometimes.
That's your answer then OP. It's ok to not be compatible with someone. You need words of affirmation and more emotional openness than he can naturally give. Neither of you is right / wrong / good / bad - just different. He isn't going to authentically say the things you need to hear on a regular basis, unprompted, because that isn't how he expresses himself. Or he doesn't feel those things for you. Either way, you don't sound compatible and as someone who spent four years with an ex who didn't say they loved me, it's fucking painful if you are someone who needs words of affirmation. I'm so glad I left even though he was lovely in many ways. His anxiety about speaking about feelings made me miserable and also meant I wasn't 'allowed' to talk about feelings without feeling guilty or mean. It doesn't work.
Thingsdogetbetter · 04/09/2021 11:50

My dh's response to my first I love you a year in was "I'm very fond of you". Twat. Lol.
Together 10 years, married 4. Suspect he's on the spectrum - his son is and he has many stereotypical autistic traits. Once he got over the initial 'bump' he says it every morning when he leaves for work. It's part of his routine and I accept he won't say it spontaneously.

dovesandroses · 04/09/2021 11:52

If he hasn't said it to you by now, I don't think he is in love with you. If you're wanting a more emotional relationship this isn't the man for you.

Original poster
Ididit83 · 04/09/2021 11:53

That’s what I am unsure about does he not know how to express or does he just not have those feelings.

OP posts:
MorriseysGladioli · 04/09/2021 11:58

I never say the I love somebody until I'm 100 percent sure, and that can take 3 or 4 years.
I won't be pushed or rushed into it.
I see it as a positive; a sign of taking care of myself and the other person, and not jumping into something that will cause upset if I don't mean it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/09/2021 12:09

@Ididit83

That’s what I am unsure about does he not know how to express or does he just not have those feelings.
But as someone who needs to hear things like that out loud, does it matter? The fact is that he either feels stuff but can't express it or he doesn't feel it at all. Neither of those explanations meets your emotional needs and the absence of that need being fulfilled will over time erode your confidence and security.
Original poster
Ididit83 · 04/09/2021 12:31

Yep and I’ve gone and sent a msg which I really should no better at my age. I got the obvious response of I will say more things as you like to hear it. So now he will say things he doesn’t really just so I can read them, it will be fake and we both no it.

OP posts:
SpiceWeaselBAM · 04/09/2021 12:46

Life's too short for this nonsense. Look for a man who is expressive and makes you feel good about yourself, and vice versa.

Original poster
Ididit83 · 04/09/2021 12:55

Oh @SpiceWeaselBAM it really is too short. I spent over a decade in an abusive marriage and I feel like I’m in an immature relationship. I’m too worried to be mushy incase I look too needy. I’m always worried about what I say for fear of being too much. When in actual fact I shouldn’t give a shit whether I’m too much or not. If I’m too much then he can go.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 04/09/2021 13:00

He will reply with a “you to” or a “do you” or an “awww”. He will never send anything to me first

This is him expressing his emotions. When you asked and he got anxious, my assumption would be that he doesn't want to tell you...perhaps he isn't feeling it and afraid of the consequences. Would you leave him if he was honest and said "I'm fond of you, enjoy our time together but not sure if it's love".

If you need to hear genuine expressions then he isn't the man for you. I think you need to let him know that his feelings are valid and if he doesn't yet feel love, that's fine (but only if you are completely fine with it)

If you think he isn't being honest and you want more now then finish it. I think it depends on your life stage and if you want a deep relationship or happy with something less committed.

thoughtso · 04/09/2021 13:00

I'm in a similar situation.
I've just told my BF I love them (we've been dating 10 months) and no response.
We are very physically affectionate but I need vocal affection too.
I'm going to give it a couple of months then if he doesn't say it I'm going to finish it.
Life's too short to live with the uncertainty that the other person could take or leave you, or that the relationship is just a convenience.

ClaudiaWinkleHam · 04/09/2021 14:44

Sounds like your love language is words of affirmation and either he’s not feeling it or it’s simply that he doesn’t show his love with words. Either way you have to decide whether you want to accept this is how he is, communicate your needs & hope he can step up or attempt to change him but if you really do love him, it’s not the latter.

Also I agree with others… folks are too quick to say ‘autism’.

WonderWoman1234 · 04/09/2021 15:17

I hope you find it then, either in this relationship or a different one… it’s important your relationship gives you what you need.

Original poster
Ididit83 · 04/09/2021 16:34

Yeah I really don’t want to change someone into something they are not, that’s not fair on them. Like others have said there is nothing wrong with him only I just need to hear some things now and again. Perhaps it is a fault on my side. Like I said I was abused and at times feel quite vulnerable.

OP posts:
Polkadots2021 · 04/09/2021 17:31

[quote user1471457751]@Polkadots2021 autism isn't a mental health condition[/quote]
Sorry, you are very right about that. The concept about not labelling people as autistic/aspergic as a go-to holds, though.