Husband won't talk to me (or anyone) about his anxiety - what next?

[ilovelamp2]

Feeling stuck right now as husband has finally acknowledged tonight that he is not in a good place mentally. He feels anxious and on the edge about everything and what seem like minor things are making him angry. I'm trying to be strong and understand but he's not able to explain exactly why he feels this way. I tentatively suggested that he might be more comfortable talking to a friend or professional if that was easier but he is adamant that he will not 'talk to a random person.' For context, he suffered from depression after our daughter was born 10 years ago and does not have a great relationship with his own parents. He isn't enjoying his job at all right now. Mid 40s, limited qualifications so struggling to see a way out. We're talked all this through over the years but feels like we're just going round in circles ..... Feeling very sad for him, and for us. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did you overcome it?

There’s nothing you can do until he seeks help. He knows it’s having an impact on you, he knows it’s wearing you down, and he is continuing to do nothing about it. It won’t be easy for him, but it sounds like he isn’t going to get better on his own.

Sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds very difficult for you both.

What's helped me in the past (I went through a bad patch recently, although nothing like your OH is going through) was this guide, which explains anxiety and offers some coping strategies.

https://www.mcgill.ca/counselling/files/counselling/anxietymoodjuiceeselfhelppguide.pdf

I was with someone for a few years who had depression and anxiety but didn’t want to seek help. There was a loooooot of talking but no meaningful change. In the end I realised it had become all about his moods and crappy behaviour being acceptable because of his depression AND that I was essentially just his one-woman emotional sponge - putting all his bad moods, down feelings and dissatisfaction into me by the constant taking about it and moaning.

That was enough for him to get him through the day. But he had no intention of actually changing anything that was getting him down like his family relationships or his job.

I tried everything - so many long talks, listening to his problems over and over, suggesting solutions, encouraging him. Nothing worked because he was simply not willing or ready to seek help and it worked for him to have someone there to just sound off to and bear the brunt of his bad mood.

Sounds a lot like your situation. And if you have a daughter i’m guessing he is not exactly being as engaged as he could be?

Thank you both. Confirmed what I was thinking ... That guide looks really good too. I've downloaded it and will pick my moment to share it or bits of it with him. Thanks.

Thanks LastGirlStanding. That sounds really difficult. Sorry you experienced that. The bit about not seeking help is definitely striking a chord. He just doesn't open up to me at all really about why he thinks he feels so low (perhaps he doesn't know?) and when we do talk about it it's always me who initiates it and it's like getting blood out of a stone. Thankfully, going to the gym and doing things with family are his good things so it's not that he's not engaged but I can tell sometimes that the smallest thing is about to set him off and I'm always feeling like I need to be alert, if that makes sense? I can see how over time though, this could get worse. I don't think I even know where to suggest he should go - would it be a GP appointment first? Thanks

I'd say 'heres the thing hubby,you are part of a relationship now. Which means your mental health influences my life too. So you dont just get to say no to help. I love you and want to support you but I love myself too an will not stay with someone who puts my mental health at risk without a care. So either you talk with a professional of your choosing or a divorce lawyer. The choice is yours'.

Seriously op, dont take any bs. You matter. And its not up to you to carry his burden whilst ge6in turn does nothing to lighten it.

*he in turn

Hey. That’s really good he is engaging in family time and has a de stress thing like the gym. But it’s less good you are managing his moods and being on high alert, because at the end of the day he needs to be the one on alert for how to manage how he feels.

Honestly i’d make it very very clear to him the toll living with someone who is not getting help takes on a marriage. He needs to know his MH will
impact you and his daughter - not in a guilt trip way but so he can access the help he needs. Of course you are going to be supportive as he’s your husband but you can’t be his only or main support, it’ll suck the life out of you. I think GP is a good first port of call.

And ah thanks it was fine in the end as I left but would hate for you to get to the same stage!!!

Thanks PinkBonbon. That's a good point about being burdened. Right now, I'm in a good place and generally am pretty grounded and resilient but it would be so good to know that he could 'catch me' if something happened in the future to change this.

Glad you are in a good place now LastGirlStanding. He is actually at gym now so I think I am going to take the opportunity when he's feeling good to tell him to make an appointment with the GP. Will need to wait until Monday of course but at least I will have made it clear what needs to happen next.

Thanks for everyone's advice.

Really sorry to hear of your situation. He could see his GP, he could self refer to IAPT (Google IAPT and your city) or if his work has an Employee Assistance Program they may offer free counseling.

I really understand the need to do something but if he's only told you last night then give him a few days for the dust to settle. He needs time to notice that telling someone (i.e you) hasn't made things worse. It could give him the confidence to open up a little more to others.

In a sense it doesn't matter why he feels like he does. My partner has anxiety and sometimes we can work out why and others times we don't. If we don't know we still talk about things he can do, meditation, exercise, yoga, arranging to meet friends, going back on medication etc.

I often find myself anticipating things to try and stop his distress but I've learned to distance myself a bit. I will tell him if he needs my support he needs to ask for it and if he hasn't asked then I take a step back. Its his responsibility to ask something from me rather than me giving him 100% of my attention because it's not sustainable. We both understand the importance of not relying on the other exclusively, part of seeing a professional is sharing that burden for the benefit of the relationship not just the individual.

I really hope he agrees to see his GP etc and things improve for you both soon.

It sounds like he (and you) are using his MH to justify why he's treating you badly - but it's not good enough.

He needs to take responsibility for his MH and his behaviour, not have you tiptoeing around him trying not to set him off - because, (big reveal here) - that sounds exactly what it's like to be in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Don't pander to his bad behaviour. He needs to seek help himself, you cannot do it for him - sure signpost him, but you can't do the work for him. Taking on that responsibility for him is enabling him and supporting the underlying feeling of entitlement where he believes (and apparently you believe) that women are emotional punchbags and rehab centres for men.

@Pinkbonbon

I'd say 'heres the thing hubby,you are part of a relationship now. Which means your mental health influences my life too. So you dont just get to say no to help. I love you and want to support you but I love myself too an will not stay with someone who puts my mental health at risk without a care. So either you talk with a professional of your choosing or a divorce lawyer. The choice is yours'.

Seriously op, dont take any bs. You matter. And its not up to you to carry his burden whilst ge6in turn does nothing to lighten it.

I’m not sure this is what you should say to someone with MH problems. You can’t address stress and anxiety with an ultimatum about breaking up. If that’s what you want to do.

OP there is plenty of support for someone in your position. Sometimes people won’t ever seek help. That’s when you need to decide if you want to stay. However people will eventually come round to getting help. It’s best to start with a visit to a GP. Talking therapy can be part of treatment but he needs a medical approach for a medical problem.

Often it’s best to start with medication to stabilise what are out of control emotions before someone can face therapies. But let him decide with his GP what he wants to do.

It will be small steps before things get better. Take the focus away from work. Create opportunities for walks, exercise and healthy eating that you can do together.

He needs to see his GP and tell them how he feels. An anti depressant could change his life so much for the better.
Like others say, feeling anxious is not a reason to be rude to your partner, to say hurtful things, to ignore them, not answer them when asked a question, to shout at them, not help around the house, give them the silent treatment, let them do all the childcare etc etc.
Also he doesn't get to offload to you about how much he hates his job for hours and hours.
Having a very 'sensitive' person in the house means you put your own needs aside, you have no one to go to for support because the 'fragile' one cannot take any more stress.
It's like having another child in the house. Tell him to go to the GP or you won't listen to it anymore.