Police and sexual abuse

[octobersunshine]

After years of post-separation abuse and control, I've finally decided to contact the police about my son's father's behaviour. The police took a statement and I mentioned the fact that during our relationship, I used to wake up to him having sex with me whilst I was asleep. This was made as a comment to give them an understanding of his entitlement and historical behaviour. The police now want to pursue this as rape. I wanted to pursue the complaint as coercive and controlling behaviours but now this has been taken out my hands because they are pursuing it anyway. We haven't been together for four years and it took EMDR therapy two years ago to properly discuss the sex whilst asleep which uncovered a lot of unresolved trauma. I'm just now conflicted about whether the police should pursue this as I wasn't traumatised at the time (although confused, angry and in pain) but also feeling like it did happen and I now live with the consequences whilst he just gets to jettison that baggage. It's been such a long time and I can't decide whether to let sleeping dogs lie or to feel like "this happened and that's not ok and he should be accountable,"
I don't know what the right thing to do is. Any advice?

You deserve protection and justice, even retrospectively. It is grossly unfair that you are worrying about it, I feel for you so much and I have had similar experiences. It is a hard and difficult time, but he doesn't deserve to get away with this. You have lived with it since it happened and all the ensuing consequences, he needs to be accountable. I really am sorry that this has happened to you.

I can't say for a certainty that this will happen for you, but historic sexual abuse will raise its head and cause all sorts of emotional turmoil at some point (in my experience, I admit this is limited). For the majority of people I know that have dealt with sexusl abuse, they wish that they could have some validation or justice. For me, that's passed now and I sometimes feel squashed by that.

Don't do something to cause yourself pain, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's not as packed away as you want it to be.

As PP said, it's grossly unfair. Also, I doubt he jettisoned anything, it's entitled behaviour and I doubt he thinks he did anything wrong which is disgusting.

Do what you need to do to move on. I'm sorry that you're in that position though, it's not fair you have all this shit to deal with because of someone else's actions. Protect yourself.

He did rape you though. You didn’t consent to sex. It’s not coercion or controlling behaviour to have sex with someone in their sleep without their consent. It’s rape. I am so sorry this happened to you. Whatever you decide you need to take care of yourself and protect your own mental well-being.

Deffo call the police