Non contact with parent at age 40??

[Tcht888]

My father has always been a difficult man. Even as a child I had the distinct feeling that I didn't like to be looked after by him. He's one of those creepy leery men, although not directed to me, he would make comments to women even if I was in his company as a small child. He was also unpredictable, would fly off in temper easily or be completely indifferent to us which confusing and unsettling to me as a child. There are other negative such as persistent lying, inappropriate behaviour (basically acting like a twat in company).

As an adult, he will mostly ignore me. I am now married and have children and when we would visit my parents (my mum is super lovely). He would often completely blank us and just walk out of the room!

On occasion, he will talk to us but not for very long. Unfortunately, I am usually relieved as my relationship with him is very awkward - I just cannot think of anything to say to him.

My parents relationship is difficult - they spend the whole time bickering and it is uncomfortable company. Dm has tried to leave a few times but he has threatened suicide and he seems obsessed with her despite their destructive relationship. He has fallen out with some of my mums family - so they keep away which is sad.

He flew off the handle a few weeks ago in front of my children about something small, his usual shouting and swearing and I just though "enough".

I do have an older sister who has no children and lives a large distance away - she seldom visits which upsets dm. I know she keeps away due to the same reasons as I have written.

I have decided to go NC and have gently explained this to my lovely dm. This means not visiting their home anymore (they live a short drive away) but she still visits us frequently which we love and enthuse a genuine strong welcome to her.

However, she would love the children to stay and I sense a sadness from her that I have decided this.

Have I over reacted with the NC or should I endure him for the benefit of my kind gentle mum? She acknowledges how his behaviour is, but just tells me to ignore him.

She knows whst he's like and has a difficult relationship with him herself. There is no reason for you to put up with him for yourself and even less to expose your dc to him.

If your mum is sad because she would like to look after them for a weekend could she sleep at your house while you go away for a night. It doesn't have to be far or overly expensive but a chance to have a nice meal and a few drinks, with a stay at the hotel and a bit of a lie in. She gets to look after her grandkids and gets a break from the pain she's married to.

Have you ever had a conversation with your mum where you've asked her why she chose (and continues to choose) staying with him and letting him abuse and neglect you and your siblings?

She can't have the children to stay because you can't trust your dad not to be awful around them - what he did in your childhood, he is doing in theirs.

Yes, your mum is going to be sad about it, but you have to do better for your children.

Personally I wouldn't trust her not to have him turn up there even if you did agree to have her babysit at your place. What's she going to say to him if he was on the doorstep? Nope.

You have to put your children's welfare ahead of your mum's emotions on this one. She didn't protect you from him when you were a child, and I don't see how you could possibly trust her to look after her grandchildren any better. Sorry.

@bamboocat

You have to put your children's welfare ahead of your mum's emotions on this one. She didn't protect you from him when you were a child, and I don't see how you could possibly trust her to look after her grandchildren any better. Sorry.

This with bells on it.

You have boundaries to protect your children , your mum had and has none to protect her child.

You are doing the right thing. Your mum sounds like s reasonable person so she will understand.