Can this marriage last

[BadWife1]

Name changed, because I have no idea what I'm going to do long term, and don't want to be outed. Sorry for the length, don't want to drip feed.

I've been with my husband 6 years, married 3. Have two kids, 4 and 1.

DH is a good, kind man. I don't think he'd ever cheat, no abuse. I feel incredibly lucky in a lot of ways. And pre-kids I remember being happy, but maybe a touch concerned that we wanted different things out of life - but not hugely different. I like to travel, visit new places, try new things. I have alternative tastes and would experiment with things like house decoration and car choice. He's just a bit more vanilla, not a big deal - we're all different.

There has been many, many arguments over the 4 years since our first was born. I've been hugely resentful at taking on most of the responsibility of every day life (childcare, cooking, cleaning, shopping, admin) while not actually having much say over the stuff I am interested in/fun stuff (nights out, holidays, house decoration etc.) To be clear, he'd never stop me going out, but friends are mostly not local and he's not interested in meeting up with mine (his are hugely important to him and we I must attend their events). I've also never had a big friend group. But to do things together, he'd rather just stay in and will either talk me out of things or reluctantly go but not enjoy it. Night in the pub, fine. Anything else, almost never.

I feel I have little control over my own life. Things I want to do are shot down. Cost too much money (despite him spending a small fortune smoking), we'll 'talk about it later' etc - but later never happens.

He's lazy, but there have been small significant changes, especially over the last 6 months. It took a serious threat of leaving, and I still do much more than my fair share, but he's making improvements. I can't expect a complete overnight change.

Can I change things? Or are we destined to separate?

I earn enough to survive without him. It would be nasty break-up and we'd both be devastated. He would say hurtful things because he'd be hurting, and I'd feel awful separating the kids from their Dad.

When I think about separation there are a couple of things that put me off, and it's because I realise how awful and shallow these reasons are that I don't think there's much hope for us:
1 - I don't want to share the kids on birthdays/Christmas etc
2 - I love our house and don't want to move
3 - I don't want to have a different surname to our kids

Of course, there's a load of minor things that drive me mad day to day. The noise of him eating is almost enough to make me want to leave him daily - it's loud and I do mention it on occasion when it's too much for me to handle. Mostly I try to ignore or leave the room. He controls the TV and its ALWAYS on. I dream of leaving him and having no TV in the house, or at least not in the bedroom.

I'd like to try counselling and have suggested it before, but he refused. I'm sure he'd agree if I told him exactly what I'd written here, but I also don't think he'd ever forgive me.

I want to love him like a wife should, I want to be happy. I do love him, but I don't feel it's enough.
Is this just life in the toddler years when things are stressful and you don't have time to connect as a couple?

He would not recognise it in himself and would tell you I always get my own way, make all the decisions etc. Its something he'll say often and I think he actually believes it himself. I can't imagine why, and it makes me doubt myself.

He's a good liar. He's gaslighting you. That's why you're doubting yourself.

A lot of this is because he's anxious about money

Is he though? Or is he pretending to be so he has some control over your spending?

I've had a few friends he's not been keen on, but honestly he was right about them.

Was he really right about them or has he just succeeded in manipulating you to his way of thinking?

I'm not doubting any of what you're saying, far from it, but I've been where you are and was shocked to find out just how good a liar my then husband was and how controlling he was. He too had me well trained to accept so much, as did my upbringing.

Would rather not have a total breakdown every 6 months to achieve the changes

Been there too, I'll not bore you with the story. But you shouldn't have to have a breakdown to get him to 'help', he must have seen that you were struggling but he chose to let you carry on. I'm sorry you went through that, it's horrible

But does like to complain that I have all the money

Ever the victim.

I think he prioritises them more than he would me. That might actually make me sound awful.

No, lovely, it makes him sound awful. Again, I was in the same situation, his friends were more important to him than I was. It's heartbreaking to think the man who is supposed to love you above all others isn't really that fussed because you don't give him as much attention as his friends do.

I need to look at whether it's me that needs some help.

You've made a good start by posting here. It's probably not what you were hoping for, so many of us pointing out what looks like a pattern of behaviour, but it's easier to see from the outside, especially for those of us who have been there. As I've already said, it's shocking and horrible to learn that your husband is treating you so badly but it's often very difficult to see it when you're in the midst of the relationship and so busy with life and the little ones.

I think counselling would be a good idea, for you alone (very importantly), so that you can discuss anything that's troubling you and hopefully build up your self esteem a bit. Do keep posting though, we're always here

I think main reason you can't recognise that his behaviour is awful is because you are too bloody tired!!

Hi OP. Some of your comments resonated with me. My exH was very similar. He prioritised his large friendship group over our life and ultimately our marriage. We eventually split because at a time when we should have been starting a family he took a job on the other side of the country and in an area that I couldn't find employment. He also discussed deeply personal things with his friends. I realised how separately he viewed his relationship with this group when one of them repeated something directly from him. It was a grotesque lie and I realised how much he undermined me. He didn't stand up for me, ever when his friends were rude or abrasive. This was just 'banter'. He expected 100% commitment to his 'events' but couldn't support me at graduation. Too much trouble for him. I was also cook, maid, housekeeper. His mum passed away when he was leaving home for University but was a housewife and he never did anything for himself. When we split all of his friends disappeared overnight. Nine years and not a call or text. We did not have children so it was easier to leave but I would think very carefully about your future and what this may be with this man. Good luck.

It amazes me how few men will agree to counselling until the woman is pretty much completely done.

I'd say, personally, that you might have a chance simply because your children are so young - life is extremelydifficultand it does get easier as they get older. But he needs to take this seriously. Sit him down and say you need relationship counselling because you are feeling completely unheard in the relationship and taken dir granted.

Total sympathy re TV BTW. After I left my xh I don't think I turned the TV on for a year. At least if he's watching TV he's theoretically there for the kids? Go out without him, at least get a break.

I just spotted your username OP

[quote BadWife1]@Orgasmagorical as for the changes...I had to make overnight changes so I don't feel it's impossible - being a parent is nothing at all like my previous life. I don't resent that, I was ready for the change - and kids were his suggestion so I'd hope he was ready for it to.

But I'm sure it's a common story...Mum did absolutely everything for her son. He did nothing, not even change his own sheets. Dinner handed to him on a plate to take up to his bedroom. Never cleaned up after himself.

It's been quite a shock to him. And something I didn't really notice before we had kids, because he moved into mine and it didn't really change my life that much to cook for two instead of one etc. I also think he got worse during the first mat leave as I 'wasn't working' so he expected I'd do everything. And I did, because I kind of thought that's what you did. It took me a while to realise that wasn't right, and to understand the resentment.

So I'm seeing the small changes as positive steps forward. Would rather not have a total breakdown every 6 months to achieve the changes, but I'm glad things are improving even if it's slowly.[/quote]
Ah, the same old story. You were carrying all of the load BEFORE you had kids. But it's only now the load has got bigger that you've actually noticed.