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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and MIL problem

17 replies

pinkroses · 09/11/2004 19:11

Long story short, MIL hates me. Dh's brother and family hate me. Now dh has had a falling out with his mum over her attitude towards him.

Now, I want nothing to do with his family ever again. I feel that we should cut ties and forget them. MIL is nasty, is not interested in our kids, so why bother anymore. But dh thinks he will still be talking to her....which means I have to still allow her to visit and treat us like crap, etc.

I don't think I can live like this anymore. I never wanted to tell dh to choose between us, but his mum has pushed for this for a long time. I want NOTHING to do with his family....they are all nasty to me. I really don't know what to do!!!

OP posts:
codswallop · 09/11/2004 19:11

why?

codswallop · 09/11/2004 19:11

I woudl leave it up to him
its his mother
leave him to sort it out

Original poster
pinkroses · 09/11/2004 19:13

it's his choice over his mum.......I just couldn't face her again after what she has done. I think I just know I'm throwing my marriage away because I can't compromise again.

OP posts:
codswallop · 09/11/2004 19:14

his choice o ver hius mum
you are making him choose between you?
have you a ds?

Original poster
pinkroses · 09/11/2004 19:16

It's complicated over what she ahs done....and the rest of his family.

Yes...I have a dh....and I WOULD NEVER do this to any person he brought home. I would never make his life hell until he left the person I didn't like.

OP posts:
codswallop · 09/11/2004 19:16

sorry cant advise on that detail!
hoiope it works out

Original poster
pinkroses · 09/11/2004 19:17

oops. Sorry, 'ds'

OP posts:
nutcracker · 09/11/2004 19:20

Oooh this is the eact situation i was in a while ago.

I put up with years of abuse from dp's MIL and snide comments from the rest of his family.

Now his FIL and MIL are not allowed anywhere near me or the kids or the house. If dp wants to see them he has to go to them (he hasn't though).

His brother still occasionally comes round but the rest of the family aren't bothered.

If he still wants to see them then that is fair enough, but tell him he has to do it elsewhere.

hmb · 09/11/2004 19:20

A friend of mine had major probelms with her MIL. She felt that MIL hated and resented her and made her life hell. Her Dh had a good relationship with his mother. The compromise was that the dh and the kids would visit the parents in their house and the DIL didn't have to put up with the MIL.

I think that you have the right to decide who you see or don't see. If you don't want to see her that is up to you. But your dh should make his own decision. If he wants to visit her, that is up to him. I wouldn't make him choose between the two of you, it might not be a healthy thing long term.

lou33 · 09/11/2004 19:21

is there any way he could see his mum without you and the kids having to?

My mil is banned from having any contact with us btw.

nutcracker · 09/11/2004 19:22

Have to say though without knowing exactly what she has done it is hard to advise.

My MIL used physical violence towards me on two occasions which is why she is no longer in our lives.

Original poster
pinkroses · 09/11/2004 19:23

It's not really me making him choose.....his mum is.

Thing is I know he is choosing her as he seems to revert back to a child when i speaks to her or his brother.

OP posts:
collision · 09/11/2004 19:23

I have the same problem PR, but fortunately she lives in Amsterdam and we dont see her v much. DO NOT MAKE DH CHOOSE OVER HIS MUM AND YOU.

If you know she is coming to see the family then make plans to be in and say hello and then go out. When I was PG with ds she was coming to stay for a week....not to help or anything but to stay for free and sponge off us with everything. I had arranged to go to the North to stay with my parents and not see her. Plans went wrong and I ended up in hosp with pre-eclampsia due, I think, to the stress of her! She is horrid. I was kept in for 2 weeks til ds was born and she didnt come to see either of us in hosp. She flew back to Amsterdam the day after ds was born without even looking at her 1st grandchild.

The only thing DH and I row about is her but not anymore. I have cried too many tears over her and I will not allow it to come between us again.

She is due over next week which I am dreading but on the basis I will be 39 weeks PG I can do what I like and not see her!!

I would honestly not let your MIL dictate what happens with your marriage. Avoid the family but be polite and be out a lot. Sorry you are so down about this and that I have gone on for so long!!

lou33 · 09/11/2004 19:28

I agree making him choose would be a big mistake, he needs to come to a decision on his own, with neither his mother or yourself asking him to choose. It must be v difficult for you.

Chandra · 17/11/2004 00:58

Well, not enough info for an accurate advise but I would say... don't make him choose between you and her, he will decide to be with you but he will always resent that, and these sort of things can also ruin the marriage, not only MIL.

I can only send you a lot of hugs and all my sympathy. You are not the alone in this, be sure of that.

Original poster
pinkroses · 17/11/2004 01:40

Things have come to a head this evening....I have had abuse off dh's brother. Really nastly insults about not having a job and how he is paying for me and my scummy children. Also how I am very hated by everyone and why don't I p*ss off and kill myself....or am I just playing on my depression!

Nice family eh!! Dh is having nothing more to do with them from now on and it is their choosing. He actually doesn't seem too worried. I think he just wants a peaceful life.....besides, he loves his kids too much to leave.

OP posts:
Tortington · 17/11/2004 21:12

"our family" is dh, children and me. we both know - its an understanding that "our family" is more important than any external factors. family in general are a pain in the arse to a lot of people. i know dh loves his mum and dad he knows i love my mum and nan - would any of their needs come above that of "our family" never.

i am glad you have a resolution pinkroses ezpecially in such shitty circumstances, but i must say i think there is something wrong in the uncertainty you originally felt over your position as his wife over his mother.

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