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Original poster

Thinking of ending things with my husband.......

13 replies

McMummy · 03/12/2007 10:31

We have had quite a few problems lately, and we had been trying to sort things out. Well, except that he tried for awhile, and now things are back to "normal". He is not a terrible person. We got together when he was only 21 - by the time he was 24 we were married and had a baby. I just feel that he is wanting to live a single man's life - that he missed out on alot.
He generally goes on a boys holiday, and always promised me he wouldn't go if i didn't want him to..last year we promised each other we would sort our finances out, and he agreed not to go. Well, he went. I barely spoke to him for ages, it caused alot of bad feelings. Then in the summer, i found out he had made a deposit to go again next time. Cue alot of heart to hearts, and talk of going to Relate. I found out he had run up alot of debt. I just feel/ felt i could not trust him.
Just lately he got all pissed off when it looked like he MAY have to miss a workmates leaving do because of family commitments. He gets annoyed when we do anything as a family (which is always me pushing for), he can't cope with our dd, and is always shouting at her, he never seems to WANT to do anything with the kids, or as a family.
Then on saturday, he was out with some friends during the day. This was planned for ages, and I was fine with it. Our ds was quite ill, and I asked dh to please not get too drunk - just in case he gets worse. DH got back to town at 6, he said he would just finish his drink, and he would be home. He rolls in at 11, absolutely pissed.

Like I said, he really is not terrible, but I feel like more and more, his social life is more important. I feel like myself and the kids are a huge PITA to him.
I am very confused. Is this enough to end a marriage for? - the feeling that our relationship, our family is increasingly more of an annoyance to him than a pleasure?
I was thinking maybe of a trial seperation.

I am very confused!!!

PS -thanks for reading a very long, rambly post

OP posts:
mumblechum · 03/12/2007 10:36

McMummy, sorry things are so crap for you at the moment.

Not the most original of advice, but I think you need to let him know that if he isn't prepared to put you and the children first at least some of the time, then you both go to relate and if he refuses, then that's it.

I'm a divorce lawyer and have written literally scores of divorce petitions which read almost exactly like your post.

He needs to know that he either changes his behaviour or he loses you.

Dior · 03/12/2007 10:40

Message withdrawn

Original poster
McMummy · 03/12/2007 14:50

bump

OP posts:
anorak · 03/12/2007 14:54

You deserve better. So do your kids. Perhaps if he knows you are serious he might realise the value of his family and remember the commitment he made. If he doesn't you're better off out of it anyway. I agree, he needs to know he has to change or lose you.

Tortington · 03/12/2007 14:58

the best advice i can give is to prepare - find out from CAB what you would be entitled to. find out what ssavings you have find out what debt is his - and make sure it gets put in his name - and not yours and make some spurious excuse as to why.

set up a secret bank account and squirrel away some money. make an inventory of things you might need.

whose name is the house in - how is that going to work - are you going to leave? will you need therefore to take clothes, tvs, curtains etc.

if you are going to split up - dont threaten it - its a bit like threatening a toddler with something and then not doing it all you are doing is breaking a promise.

so stop talking and start doing. I personally would ask people for money as a xmas present to me from them and save it in my secret bank account - change child benefit to your secret bank account.

eyesfront · 03/12/2007 14:59

but enough about him - what about you? when i read your thread it's all 'he does this' and 'he feels that' and 'i guess he's like this because'. Do you feel guilty because he settled down so young? did he want children at the time or did you push for it and feel guilty for that? how do you feel about him - do you want to live with him for the next 30 years, beyond the kids growing up? go and get some counselling on your own to start with so you get a bit of focus on you. Mumblechum is quite right (she always is) you really need to put your foot down and get yorself back on the playing field here

Original poster
McMummy · 03/12/2007 15:20

Thanks all. Eyesfront, yes, I do feel guilty about him settling down so young. I had a chance to travel, and had alot of experiences. He was in the army, and did things like go to Bosnia - experiences, but not really fun ones IYKWIM. ds was not planned, but wanted. It was a shock, but he has always been a good dad to our son. Our daughter was not really planned either (obviously we were not great on the contraceptive front), but not as much as a shock. We just got on with it really. That said, he was VERY keen to get the snip, did it all on his own (not like him to take such a decisive and quick action). His relationship with her (she is 5) is not great. Very rarely will he willingly do anything with just her. All too often he ends up shouting, she cries etc etc. She is a good girl, but she is a girl, she is 5 and she is much more emotional than ds.

I would not, could not leave, but neither of us have family close by to go to. I am a sahm at the moment, but will complete training in a few months which should get me a decent job.

He is the kind of guy who is always eager to help others out. He has a good job and is bright and personable. I have been told so often how lucky I am. But i hate the feeling that we are an inconvenience to him. He says we are not, but his actions say different. Maybe I just expect too much?

OP posts:
Original poster
McMummy · 03/12/2007 15:23

btw custardo, the house is in both our names. Our main account is joint. The credit cards he has gotten out, and puts loads on (without me knowing) is in his name. There is one credit card in my name, but there is no balance.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 03/12/2007 15:26

you expect a husband and the kids need a father, what you have is a rent-paying live in boyfriend...

ivykaty44 · 03/12/2007 15:33

What about your individual life? What do you like to go out and do? What do you do with the children at the weekends? What hobbies do you have?

Perhaps if you sort you and the children out at the weekend and go of and do family things then leaving your other half to get on with whatever it is he does.

You have done the talking take a different stance and just get on with building a life for you and you children - doing all the things that you want to do.

Freckle · 03/12/2007 15:54

Are you very much older than he is? The way you write, it sounds like you are and feel guilty that he got bogged down with commitments at such a young age.

However, whatever you have done has been a joint decision - OK the babies were not planned, but you weren't the only one involved in their conception. It sounds like he needs to grow up and accept his responsibilities, not carry on living as though he's a single lad with no one else to worry about.

Original poster
McMummy · 03/12/2007 16:10

44, thanks, that sounds good

Freckle - No (lol) i am not very much older - well, 5 years, does that count as very?

OP posts:
Original poster
McMummy · 03/12/2007 16:14

oh yeah...meant to say - He actually always has been quite responsible, and grown up. The last few years though, he seems to be more and more discontented, and his commitment to us getting less and less

OP posts:
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