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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Thoughts on this behaviour please

17 replies

Loveabitofrain · 02/09/2021 23:48

Hey I could do with some other perspectives please!

My partner and I decided we needed some space so he moved out. We had issues which largely boiled down to him contacting other women or making sexual comments on social media platforms. It’s an addiction. A bad one!

It was agreed space was needed so we could work on things and see if we could salvage the relationship - sounds crazy I know after what he’s done.

He has been off of fb due to past issues. Literally within days he was back on it. But telling me his active status was off!

Well I snooped and discovered that it was off sometimes but also on sometimes.

He has been staying here for a couple of nights a week but I really felt like I was the only one working on any issues we had.

When I raised the fb issue his answer was always “we are having space and in that these questions shouldn’t be asked”.

I was starting to get uncomfortable with this as I felt he was getting the best of both worlds!!

I’ve admitted that checking up on him is unhealthy and toxic but by the same token I feel him being on fb hardly helps and add to that lying about being active!!

So I’ve put a stop to the whole thing and he’s no longer coming round.

We spoke this evening and again he’s raised that he shouldn’t have to do anything I want him to ie come off fb. I didn’t even suggest that btw but I did say it doesn’t help with trust.

He has a good way of twisting what I say as my suggestion gets turned into “just because it doesn’t sit right with you” or “is this what you call having space” or “just because I don’t meet your expectations”.

Tbh I’m done. He cannot have a 2 way civil conversation but I just wanted to get that off of my chest and seek thoughts on it please.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 03/09/2021 00:27

He isn’t going to stop, he will just be more sneaky so you don’t catch him.
I couldn’t be bothered, the trust is broken now.

Lightlady · 03/09/2021 01:04

He sounds like a manipulative prick . It’s unlikely he’ll stop . Being away from you just gives him more excuses for his narcissistic, women judging behaviour.
He thinks women are decorations and body parts .
There are some men who don’t think like that . You’d be much better off waiting to meet one of them if a relationship is what you want or staying single if not I think

GertietheGherkin · 03/09/2021 01:23

He definitely wants the best of both Worlds!

Chuck this one back

He'll lead through a life of insecurity, trust issues and cheating if you stick with him. You deserve so much more!

QueenBee52 · 03/09/2021 02:00

@GertietheGherkin

He definitely wants the best of both Worlds!

Chuck this one back

He'll lead through a life of insecurity, trust issues and cheating if you stick with him. You deserve so much more!

yip ..

end it 🌸

Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc · 03/09/2021 02:10

If you’re ‘on a break’ you should’ve discussed the terms of that before doing it

However he’s right, he doesn’t ‘have’ to do anything you ask/want

If he wants to fix his marriage he would choose to do those things though, given they are very reasonable and realistic things to request.

He’s showing you how much work he’s willing to put in, so take the message.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2021 02:25

My only thought is why in the fuck are you still even talking to this cheating, gaslighting arsehole? What a waste of time.

FlowerArranger · 03/09/2021 02:33

Sigh.
Anyone remember the old saying....... a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle...
The older I get, the more shitty entitled obnoxious abusive behaviour from the male of the species I hear about, the truer it seems.

Catlover1970 · 03/09/2021 04:20

Not sure what can be salvaged when your partner Is disrespecting you and addicted to other women. Time for you to find somebody decent to start a new future with. I admire the fact you’re trying. He isn’t invested in trying. The trust has gone

Loveabitofrain · 03/09/2021 07:35

Thanks all!! Yep I’ve led the majority of 5 years in a very insecure relationship! Time to just put a final end to it me thinks!!

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 03/09/2021 12:59

@Loveabitofrain

Thanks all!! Yep I’ve led the majority of 5 years in a very insecure relationship! Time to just put a final end to it me thinks!!

good on you ... you know you deserve better than this crap 🌸

category12 · 03/09/2021 13:03

You'll be happier without the guy in your life.

BlancheB · 03/09/2021 13:12

Ah poor you it sounds rubbish and you deserve better.

You've pretty much summed it up "Tbh I’m done." That answers your question, just get rid as you will be happier in the long run.

Loveabitofrain · 03/09/2021 19:37

Again thanks all.

I’m sat here Friday night about to have a gin and he’s NOT here!! Strange feeling but my word I’m so less anxious than I’d normally be! He’s apologised for his behaviour last night; likely because he thought he’d get an invite here tonight!! No chance my self respect is coming back!

OP posts:
AudTheDeepMinded · 03/09/2021 19:40

Go you! Seriously, life is to short to believe you deserve such shitty behaviour, you can do much, much better!

Cliffordthebigreddog · 03/09/2021 20:01

Get rid of him. He sounds like a complete prick. I bet you have anxiety but you’ll find that your anxiety disappears when this prick is no longer around.
I hate guys like this, absolute wastes of space, just get rid, he literally adds no benefit at all to your life!

layladomino · 06/09/2021 19:48

I am so happy for you @Loveabitofrain

You can see your realisation in your few short posts. He is SO not worth it. Why would you want to be with someone makes sexual comments to other women?? And when you're on a break in order for him to work on his 'issues' continues to do it, and then accuses you of being in the wrong for having expectations of him?

He is a creep and a gaslighter. He can't be trusted. He isn't showing you any respect. If you went back with him you would always be wondering who he's in touch with, is he having an affair, can you trust him?

Why would you want that? You deserve so much better than him.

You will be so much better off happily single, without him making you doubt your own mind. And once single, if you want, you'll be available to pursue other relationships - and to find a decent, respectful, loving man who deserves you.

lettgomoveon · 07/09/2021 05:32

@Loveabitofrain, I've been with someone like this unfortunately. It's all about control, he wants to keep you these, he is gaslighting and has no respect for you. Its very hard to get out of but you must just rip the plaster off and commit to getting over it. No contact. I'm 4 months down the line now and feeling more like myself. He made me feel worthless and depressed and played games. He told me he slept with someone else whilst 'on a break' .. no, they aren't worth it. Salvage and self esteem you have and run. Work on yourself and you will then make space for someone who will respect you, when you are ready and if you want it. He's a waste of space. He won't like being rejected either as these folk are entitled and it will bruise his ego

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