Never got truth about affair

[Oldaffairinhead]

Three years ago I caught DH with a game empty condom packet after I had been away with work. We had been married for 9 years and have 2 DC.

Things hasn’t been great as I was very ill, sex life was non existent then I lost my job.

DJ was very aggressive and defensive to being questioned at the time. I admit I stayed with him because of DC and because I loved him.

He never admitted anything although I worked out it would have been a married colleague of his. I confronted her and she was also aggressive and denied. Due to all other shut in my life, I let it go. I begged Dh to pick me, he stayed.

Skip to now, we are in much better place but I would say every 4-5 weeks, I have all consuming thoughts about the “affair”. I think largely as I was never given the truth, so could t choose to forgive or make my own decisions based on fact.

How can I move on from this in my head.
.

Some typos, sorry

I think you need to let it go now after this long.

He won’t admit it and you will just keep feeling this way.

I would leave him. You let him stay with you...the least he could do is tell you the truth!

The problem is, it isn't in the past.

Its still going on now, because he is still lying to you about a huge relationship impacting event.

Not sure how you can move on when the situation has never been resolved.

To me a relationship is built on trust, honesty and good communication. It sounds to me that your husband has broken all those parts of your relationship by his actions and refusal to discuss them.
Once that trust has been broken no matter how you try and move on it will never be the same. Whether things are now good enough that you can accept that and choose to stay, that is up to you. Relationship therapy may be helpful, or individual therapy for you to see how you process those recurrent feelings.

You can't heal from it as the cognitive dissonance of knowing but not knowing is too much of a mind fuck.

And basically he shouted you down until you STFU. So disrespectful

He never admitted anything although I worked out it would have been a married colleague of his. I confronted her and she was also aggressive and denied.

Ofcourse she was agressive. If a woman came up to me accusing me of having an affair with her husband without any proof, Id have reacted the same way. She didnt even have to get defensive, as she doesnt owe you an explanation. Youre projecting the anger you have towards your husband but couldnt let out on her, because if you had actually left him you would have been stuck with two kids and no job. I dont see this relationship working out for you in the long term because you will always be looking over your shoulder trying to catch him cheating, he on the other hand knows hes gotten away with it and probably will again so why should he change?

You have rug swept this. There is no way this won’t eat away at you.

If you are in a better place in the marriage, you need to bring this up with him. You need to calmly tell him that this eats away at you. You need to say that you can not heal until you know the full truth of what happened.

If you get hold of ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ you’ll see the steps he needs to take to become a safer partner and you’ll understand the way your mind is working.

Right now he is not safe and will continue to be while he knows he has had an affair he’s never owned.

Do not feel shame for staying. You did what was right for you and your children at the time. But the fact you’re on here shows that you’re ready to start hearing the truth. Don’t feel shame if you continue to stay. You will choose to do what is right for you. You’ll know when or if to pull the plug.

But I would start to try and uncover this or it will have huge implications for you both moving forward.

I think you probably need to do this, but maybe in a counselling setting. My marriage feel apart due to porn addiction and one of the key steps in trying to salvage things is getting full disclosure, but in a safe environment. I don't think you need hurtful details but you need to know the truth, and then you need to experience your emotions from that and see where you are after that.

Can you ask him to do this for you? Otherwise I think it's going to chip away at you.

Yes you need full disclosure before you can decide what you want to do next. The not knowing eats away at you and you'll spend the rest of your marriage resenting him. To properly move on you need the truth otherwise he's still lying to you which is nearly as bad as the affair itself.
If he can't accept this then I really would consider ending things

Unfortunately your never going to get to the truth regarding this. Clearly your husband realised doesn't want to lose his domestic nest and will lie and continue to dodge what he's done.
Getting angry about having an empty condom packet in his pocket says it all. What was the excuse and how did it get there? Posh wank or a someone planted it to get him in to trouble? Those are the ones blokes roll out usually.
He can continue to live a lie the question is can you?
My ex was a serial cheater and did so in all her previous relationships before me. I thought in her mid 40's after losing the beautiful homes and everything she may have changed but no, I subsequently became another name on the list.
On the whole people don't change and are likely to continue their selfish behaviour. Only you can choose to ignore it and continue to let it eat away at you and let the resentment build or you can end it and find happiness again.