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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New BF lied about ex GF

23 replies

TotallyTally · 02/09/2021 21:29

Hi everyone. I’m a new poster but not new to MN. I’m looking for some advice.

I left an emotionally abusive relationship 18 months ago, and I’m wondering if my experiences are clouding my current judgement.

I’ve been with my BF for 7 months. He has been divorced for 5 years and when we met (online) he told me has only had casual relationships since his divorce.
The other week I snooped around his social media’s and found out he had a two year relationship since his divorce. Not casual at all - holidays, meeting his family etc. I shouldn’t have snooped, curiosity killed the cat etc, I was just genuinely curious.

Am I daft for feeling upset he has lied to me? I don’t need to know the ins and outs of his past but surely lying about an entire relationship isn’t normal? He has mentioned holidays they have been on and said he went with friends when it was with his ex. He has told me about holidays he’s been on with his ex wife openly and it’s not been a problem, we all have a past right! He is still incontact with his most recent ex GF as they work together.

I feel really upset that’s he’s lied and don’t know if I’m over reacting to feel uneasy/uncomfortable. After my last relationship I’m worried I can’t trust my own judgement etc.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

EspressoDoubleShot · 02/09/2021 22:19

Hi.you had misgivings your gut feeling was uneasy. Justifiably so as it seems he’s minimised a relationship. You don’t need to hang about foot does not feel ok. Give yourself permission to think I don’t need this aggro.it’s supposed to be fun.

Jesskir89 · 02/09/2021 22:24

He probably lied to save your insecurities as they work together. I would mention it though and see what he says

aurynne · 02/09/2021 22:32

He will probably hide your relationship the same way to his next fling.

saleorbouy · 02/09/2021 22:34

You should put your time and effort into your current relationship rather than worry about his past ones.
You could look at it positively and think that as he still has contact with past ex's that at least it shows he's not thought of as a complete wa#ker by them and he must have treated them reasonably.
I think it is normal to play down past relationships especially if you're giving off an air of being insecure.

Fallsballs · 02/09/2021 22:37

I see it as a reg flag - he lied to you.
And trust your gut feelings.

Regularsizedrudy · 02/09/2021 23:18

Are you sure she’s an ex?

seensome · 02/09/2021 23:21

I was just going to say are you sure she's an ex, very odd not to mention a two year relationship

spotcheck · 02/09/2021 23:26

Er, he lied.
Honestly. After being in so many relationships with people who told small lies at the beginning, then bigger ones as time went on, I would never entertain lies again. Instant deal breaker

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 02/09/2021 23:31

He is trying to imply you are the only one to have really caught his eye post divorce and make you feel you should be oh so grateful ..ltb op.

WheresZazu · 02/09/2021 23:47

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Yes I’m sure she is an ex I’ve seen that on social media.

I have no idea how I approach this with him. I will admit to snooping on his ex social media but I don’t even know what sort of response I’m looking for. I can’t see any reason to lie about it. I feel stupid for being vulnerable and allowing myself to get this close to someone again.

I’m glad I’m not over reacting from feeling a bit insecure about it.

LV2NY · 03/09/2021 01:00

Perhaps he is downplaying it for whatever reason but that doesn’t seem well thought out when he hasn’t removed the pictures from social media, not very clever of him.
It could be how different people define casual. I dated a guy for 18mths but was quite clear with everyone that he was just a bit of fun and it had no long term potential. We met each other’s parents. I will often tell my current partner stories that involved my late husband but leave the ex bf out of stories involving him as I don’t want to rub it in new partners face.
As long as everything else is going ok I would try to not worry about it. I actually really hate this aspect of social media and the anxiety it creates.

QueenBee52 · 03/09/2021 02:18

Nah... dishonesty is dishonesty... 🌸

Suzi888 · 03/09/2021 02:33

@Jesskir89

He probably lied to save your insecurities as they work together. I would mention it though and see what he says

^ this But he’s been dishonest from the outset.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2021 02:39

This should be a deal breaker. Your relationship has already started off on lies.

Sakurami · 03/09/2021 03:23

I would need to ask him. Two years should be more than casual but maybe in his mind he wasn't serious? I dated a guy for nearly a year but it wasn't serious whereas my current relationship was definitely serious from early on.

Catlover1970 · 03/09/2021 04:44

Has he lied or is he playing it down? It might have been a casual 2 year ‘thing’ tbh you have invaded his privacy and are questioning his integrity. He is entitled to a past as we all are. My husband doesn’t know the details of all my past relationships and vice versa. We don’t need to know it in the past. I think you need to let this go and respect his boundaries. I can imagine you have trust issues due to your abusive relationship but don’t put your insecurities on this guy it’s not fair

minatrina · 03/09/2021 07:45

When you say snooped, do you mean you just had a look around his social media accounts from your own phone and came across his ex? If so I don't see why you "shouldn't" have done that at all. That seems like a perfectly normal thing to do to me.

I would definitely confront him and ask for the full story and most importantly, why he lied. I would certainly be very wary of this though, it seems an odd thing to lie about.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/09/2021 10:25

An ex of mine had a picture in his room of him and a girl and when I saw it (the first time I stayed at his) I asked if it was an ex, he said no just a mate. Turned out she was an ex and it set the tone for our relationship aka he lied easily and often!

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 03/09/2021 10:51

I have a previous relationship that felt serious at the time, but I was dumped on Christmas Eve and left feeling very lost. I had met his family and daughter but I would describe that as nothing serious now if people asked me, since the other person obviously didn't view it that way. Also I want to forget about it.

Original poster

TotallyTally · 03/09/2021 11:50

Thanks so much for everyone’s replies.

To reply to a question by snooping I mean I looked at his ex Instagram page that’s all and saw lots of photos/information etc. I would obviously never invade his privacy by looking at his phone etc.

I have since spoken to him and he said they were just friends with benefits and they will meet for dinner etc if they are in the same city.
I feel ok with this, but I’m very upset he didn’t tell me, that feels like a breach of trust.

I’ve also asked how he can say he is serious about our relationship etc when he was more serious/put more effort into his FWB, if that makes sense. All he said was he understands exactly how bad it looks and he is sorry for not being more transparent.

OP posts:

Original poster

TotallyTally · 03/09/2021 11:57

To reply to peoples messages about my insecurities influencing my feelings, I totally see what you mean. But I don’t feel insecure about his ex wife, his best friend is a woman who he lives with and that’s not a problem. If I knew he was still friends with his ex I’d have been ok with it, but the lying about it and pretending she doesn’t exist has whats made me feel worried. I hope that makes sense.

OP posts:

Crikeyalmighty · 03/09/2021 12:03

I think he downplayed it to make you feel special. Rather stupid admittedly—but I don’t think it’s a leaving offence

5128gap · 03/09/2021 14:01

Maybe the relationship wasn't open because she was married, or there was some other reason it needed to be kept secret and he was just keeping to that.

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