Does anyone still think about their first love? I met mine fresh out of school at 18 on my gap year, meeting through mutual friends, there was instant chemistry, we would talk for hours. After another one of those evenings he walked me back to my student house, and after many hours talking inside, lent in and kissed me. I was pretty shocked not recognising the signs (I was pretty innocent!) that he was interested in me in that way, a few more meet-ups later and I’d lost my virginity to him, then ended up attending the same uni and dating for just under a year. He was my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend. He broke up with me, I don’t think he could deal with the emotions, I never saw or heard of him with another girl in a relationship capacity after. I was hurt, but moved on with new found confidence and had several boyfriends afterwards. He failed his course and left the uni, but we kept in touch and ended up hooking up as the years went by. He showed up at my 21st and after another evening kissing I asked what we were doing and he said he couldn’t give me what I wanted (I wasn’t even sure what that was myself). After I graduated he suggested via email I did some travel, at this point he was out in Africa. The last time we met up in person I was probably 24/25, I hadn’t seen him for probably a year and a half and it was like no time had past, I met his sister who acknowledged that I was “that” girl. We had a great night out in London, I don’t think either of us wanted it to end, and when it was time to say goodbye we hugged and he lent in and kissed me at Victoria station, this was the night before he flew back out to Africa to start a new life. When he was on the train he called and we talked, I said I couldn’t keep doing this, that it wasn’t fair (he was seeing someone at the time, as was I) that I felt the chemistry would always be there with us, and I didn’t want to be feeling this way and had to let go. He said he still thought about me and always probably would. Thinking back to it all now always makes me feel such strong emotions, like I’m back there in those moments and end up in tears. There’s so many things I wish I had the strength to say to him during those years, I was so carried away feeling all these emotions for the first time I never knew how to. He’s married now and looks really happy with 2 beautiful daughters, running a safari camp. I am also happily married, my husband has never once made me doubt his love for me, we have a son and hopefully another at some point, it’s been 16 years but I still think about him, wondering what life would be like now if I’d taken the chance to travel out there to visit him, and hate myself for it.
Can anyone relate? Any tips on how I can stop feeling this way?